Ex husband talking nonsense to the kids

[Suewiththegreenlights]

We are very nearly divorced, the finances haven’t been sorted and my ex was and still is when he can be, financially abusive and obsessed with money. He moved an hours drive away when we broke up, but he tells our children, who live with me, that he can’t live nearer because he can’t afford it and mummy took all the money. This is so far from the truth it’s laughable. And frankly my life would be much easier if he lived closer, plus he could see the kids more, and pay less maintenance if he wanted. But he doesn’t.

So tonight I’ve had my primary age child crying about how sad and unfair it is that daddy has no money. He has had 2 solicitors letters about his not discussing adult issues with the children and about parental alienation but apparently said this tonight, I suspect after drinking.

I have explained as appropriately as I can what the actual situation is, and have been very clear with the children that I will always tell them the truth even if it’s not what they want to hear, but it’s plain they are buying his sob story, and I’m the baddie.

What do I do? He sees them EOW ish.

Congratulations on your impending divorce. I am fairly certain I remember this vile stbxh.

I actually think it is extremely important that you firmly correct the narrative here with your children.

I understand not wanting to involve them, but when the other parent already has, by not telling them your perspective, you're letting the narrative given by their father stand. If you're not refuting it, with facts, then it must be true. So tell them everything they need to know- how the finances are being split and why. Control the narrative yourself otherwise your children will believe him.

Keep being honest and as they get older show them proof too.

Remind them one of the reasons you are divorcing is because he tells lies about you and is obsessed by money and doesn't think he should share it with you and them. Also that he can afford to live near by but he chooses not to but he doesn't want to admit that to them so he can pretend money is the reason he doesn't see them during the week but really it's because it would make it easier for you to work and go out and he doesn't want that.

More importantly read "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" you could just say "Daddy is lying, he has enough money to live here why do you think he's doing that?"

Playing the victim is very common as well as running a smear campaign against you. Keep reiterating the same message calmly and over time the children will learn for themselves.

My dc have a similar situation and they don't believe their dad any more, given he has expensive toys, but they struggle to understand why he does it. I don't blame them, it's very difficult to understand a victim mindset.

Don't say "Daddy is lying". Children don't need to hear BOTH their parents badmouthing each other. You can tell/show the children the truth without explicitly calling their daddy names.

What @Daydrambeliever says.
I was an alienated child. Don’t tell them their dad is lying. Just love them. Think about what they want to hear and what they need from you. They need to know they’re safe at home that at least one of their parents has their back. They don’t need the burden of being brought into adult discussions.
You can tell them that grown up decisions are very complicated, that grown ups sometimes feel sad and angry too, that you and daddy both sometimes feel sad (just like they do) but the most important thing is we love you very very much.

I think I'd explain it along the lines of "Daddy's not poor; he's got the same amount of money as me. But he's annoyed, so he's making a fuss at the moment. He's not supposed to talk to you about grown-up things, though, because you are too young too understand and so it might be scary for you. Next time he talks to you about grown-up things, you can tell him 'I don't want to talk about that Daddy because it's scary'."

That is, you could give them some lines they can say when he comes out with this stuff, so that they feel prepared. Possibly even write a little note that they can hand him - something neutral simply reminding him that he is not meant to be talking about that subject with the children.

Thankyou, all. I think I’m on the right track and I go out of my way to tell them how much daddy loves them and it will all be ok.

@Helenahandbasket1 and @RandomMess you may well remember my old thread. I drove a red Ford back then. I’m happy to report apart from niggles like this, life is otherwise wonderful x x x

Please read and reread that book, they do need age appropriate truth and the skills to be able to identify when Daddy is bullshitting them and for them to not take us behaviour on as their fault - that he owns his flaws and they are not a reflection of them.

Yes you don't bad mouth him but neither do you gloss over things that he says that are causing them pain. He isn't going to be reasonable or put their emotional welfare first.

Read the book (or again if you already have) it may be just be "you wish Daddy had chosen to live nearer so you could see him more" or "you're worried Daddy will move further away because he says he doesn't have enough money?"

I don't think telling them that Daddy loves them very much is a good idea they'll form their own opinions about that & if they don't feel loved, but you're telling them they are..it just makes them unable to trust their own feelings /gut. It makes them very vulnerable to abusive relationships because they don't trust their own judgement.

Tell them the truth, don't let him guilt them & blame you. Daddy has enough money to live closer. Daddy gives mummy a little bit of money to pay a little bit if of the bills because there's one of him & 3 of us, so that's fair. But it's not a lot of money. Daddy still has plenty so no need to worry about that

Do not make Daddy out to be the 'pie Daddy who loves you'. It won't help them, & it won't help you.

This won't help you much now but I went through the same when I split with my ex 10 years ago - my daughter was 7 at the time. He badmouthed me for years - I took all his money, etc etc etc. Now she is almost an adult she totally sees him for what he is, and has done since her early teens.

You've had some really good advice already so I won't add to it but I struggled during those early years as well - it's horrible. Your kids will realise what a good mum you are.

I had this with my Exhusband. He played the woe is me card and smear campaign with everyone including our daughter. My family bought into it, no surprise or loss there, also school mums group and some of my other friends. I ended up quite alienated. I decided to ride it out, not counter attack and if they believed his lies that's their loss.

It was more difficult with my daughter as he is a very manipulative person. I decided again to turn the other cheek and bore the brunt of her anger whilst at the same time being the consistent reliable parent. I think they also use this as a way to get back at you for having the audacity to leave. I didn't want to give him any attention at all.

Eventually his selfishness became apparent to her so she came to the conclusion from her own experiences with him. He tried to pull her out of her school in final year of her A levels because he 'couldn't ' afford the fees. Didn't mention the big wedding and house move to bigger property, all done in secret. He genuinely couldn't understand why that would upset her! They have had no contact for the last six years.

Eventually his selfishness became apparent to her so she came to the conclusion from her own experiences with him. He tried to pull her out of her school in final year of her A levels because he 'couldn't ' afford the fees. Didn't mention the big wedding and house move to bigger property, all done in secret. He genuinely couldn't understand why that would upset her! They have had no contact for the last six years.

God there are some selfish pricks out there. That's appalling. Almost as bad as us finding out just after Christmas that my ex had been using our daughter's trust fund from his parents inheritance to pay her school fees and it's almost all gone.

You can also say "do you think the courts/judge would have allowed that?" In an enquiring way, let them say what they think about that. "Well the courts/judge look at what everyone needs and try to make it fair"

Letting your DC buy into his narrative that their Mum is xyz which conflicts with their opinion of you is harmful to them. How can a 9 year old deal with that conflict and work out the truth?

It may be that you can say "do you think Daddy is angry and wants to unkind things about me? Do you think your school friends sometimes says things because they are angry/hurt?"

@chocolatesaltyballs22, yep there are some real prizes out there. My abiding frustration is that other people just don't see it and they pull this crap on their own children. I suspect yours didn't want to affect his lifestyle by using his own funds for school fees. However, life without them is so much better isn't it.

OMG yes @Dacquoise. He still thinks he's dad of the century though and is completely mystified as to why she doesn't want to see him any more. Arse.

@chocolatesaltyballs22, it's disordered thinking that you will never be able to alter, which is why you HAVE to leave them for your sanity. Your DH cannot see it from someone else's point of view and therefore behaves like a complete dick. I feel sorry for the next victim. Mine dragged me through the courts to undo the original settlement with a complete fantasy in his head of what he would gain from it. He lost...badly and I ended up with a very good final settlement so no reason to ever deal with him ever again He went from total arrogance to grey skinned with worry.

Oh his next victim has already had a child with him. God help her.

This is so hard. My ExH was also full of BS. The only thing I can say, is that when they are adults they will know the truth. This has been the case for me.

I remember your old thread too. I’m so glad to see you’ve got to this point!

Hi op my stbxh is also like this Its to the point i cant leave him alone with them he spouts so much bullshit and paints me as the bad one in it all .
Told his new girlfriend I'm a psycho and will orib beat her up ,couldn't be further from the truth .
Let the kids know you are being honest with them otherwise they will take his side of the story as gospel
Good luck

We had similar with dsds mum when she was younger. She got married, moved house and dropped contact so dh didn't see her for months until he got a court order. Told dsd that dh had been in prison because hes a bad man and that's why she hadn't seen him. That was one of many lies, she was only 6. We did a lot of "oh mummy's got all mixed up" and "I think mummy was joking, what a silly joke" rather than out and out say her mums a liar, and just kept telling her the truth. She still thinks he's been in prison now and shes 11. She may or may not still think I'm a prostitute (that was another one).

Only time I've ever said anything bad back about her mum was when dsd aged about 8 told my dd her mum thought she was an ugly little slut. I said if your mum really said that then shes got something seriously wrong with her, we will have to try and get her some help because that's very sad to have a mum who says such disgusting things about children. Not my proudest moment but shes kept her nasty comments aimed at me and Dh since then and they don't bother us.

So many sympathies with all you ladies. How I'd love to know what my exh told everyone after I requested he haul his abusive ass out the door and not come back. Just when you think these guys can't stoop any lower, they always manage to outdo themselves.