Regret leaving abusive exh due to kids

[Mumhelp1]

I need my head looking at but I don’t know what is wrong with me. He’s horrible, really nasty and now instead of bullying and abusing me, he is doing it to the children. My dc are 9 and 6. I hate him but I hate what he’s doing to my children more.

I hate what he used to do to me but another part of me then thinks maybe it wasn’t that bad so I should of stayed but I wanted to protect my babies from thinking it was normal.
I left 3 years ago and it’s just worse than ever.
I’m not even sure what to do.

I can’t even tell anyone because no one would understand

Can you tell their school what your concerns are?

So you left your kids with him?

The school are aware of some of it because the children have said so and the teachers have relayed this to me. He has a court order in place even thought the children have cried at the school date on his collection days. I can’t communicate with him

Have the school not reported this as safeguarding rather than speaking to you?

I would report to the GP, I would be asking for counselling for them.

You have absolutely done the best thing for your children. Never doubt that.
Please keep a diary of their behaviour if they are upset before/after contact.
People will understand how you feel. It must be so hard but you have obviously come so far. Contact woman's aid or a simulator organisation to get advice or just talk it through.
Hold on in there. Even if you don't feel it, you are doing brilliantly

@DDIJ he has them eow under a court order.

@Coriandersucks yes I he has a court order and has told the children that I will go to prison if I don’t let them go.

They are very up and down with access. They hate going most of the time but occasionally then he will take them shopping, let them buy anything they want and he’s great again for the next visit then it all goes back to being horrible again for a few months, they refuse to go in holidays because it the only time he’s not collecting from school and he’s back saying they can go shopping again

@RandomMess I’m not sure telling the gp would help, my brother is a gp and she’s not said that she would be able to help. But maybe hasn’t thought really
The whole situation is embarrassing and awful that I let myself get to this.

It's to have it on record and to get them a referral for counselling/play therapy.

Speak to NSPCC for advice on whether there is enough to go to social services.

What's his reaction when the DC refuse to go in the holidays?

As PP said, women's aid and then a solicitor. You normally get reviews of contact. Have you got any more court dates? If not you can take it back to court and say it's not working, the children are unhappy etc. at the least to reduce contact. The school might be able to provide support for your application.

Watching with interest and commenting to bump up. I left my ex for this reason. DD only young but concerned he might do the same to her

@RandomMess in the holidays he doesn’t want them because he knows I need to work so he’s quite happy not seeing them, he will message my oldest at tea time asking if she’s going for tea but she will be at my parents if I’m working. I normally ask him if he’s having them in the holidays as that’s the court order but he never reply’s. (He doesn’t work). I will speak to my brothers wife again about it and see what can be done about referrals etc. I don’t really want social services involved because I’m scared of them

Did you have a Cafcass report previously?

What is happening to the children when they are with their Dad?

My dc return very low after time with their Dad but generally will bounce back, they can have some good times if they go along with his choices. When they get back we discuss any coping strategies they can use.

Fyi, Courts and SS have a very high threshold for contact. They do not stop contact unless there is serious abuse or neglect. Once the children reach secondary school they can choose to stop going.

@Fireflygal yes we had a report before but it wasn’t that bad at the time. I also played down the abuse I went through because didn’t think it was relevant. I didn’t for one second think he would start like this with the children. I have been with my new partner for 2 years now and the children think the world of him but I think this is the reason my exh is being the way he is now.

He has told the children that they can’t choose to not go until they are 12 and that’s upset my oldest even more. I’m not 100% what’s happening there. From what they say, He picks on one more than the other, they have both told me. He tells them all sorts of horrible things about me. He’s hurt the oldest physically, he tells them they are stupid, when they’ve made things for him or chose him something with their pocket money, he throws it away infront of them, saying I don’t eat that or I already have something better.
When they ask to do something he always says no. They know he won’t communicate with me, my youngest even said don’t message him when they wanted to see him on his birthday because then he will think it’s me wanting a favor or babysitter for the night.
Iv had to buy them a phone because he won’t answer my phone calls from them and they know all this. I just don’t think a 9 and 6 year old should be having to deal with it and I don’t know what to do.
I don’t actually want to stop contact, I just want him to be a good dad to them

This is who he is, it will not stop.

Start reporting the emotional and physical abuse to everyone - SS, safeguarding at school, the GP.

You need to build a trail of evidence to support what your DC want. Perhaps they only want one day or one overnight EOW? Perhaps they don't want to see him at all or it needs to be in a contact centre.

They desperately need counselling and expert emotional support.

This is very disturbing

In your shoes I would refuse to let them go
Let him take you to court and you can detail your concerns

It will get worse
It is abuse from you too if you send them
Poor you I feel for you all

I left an abuser and I'm fighting to keep my child safe cxxxx