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Original poster

He’s too involved with family

14 replies

Limeandlemon · 19/04/2021 16:25

Dh and I have been together 15 years. He’s always been a family guy and I’ve always admired that about him but I’m starting to get overwhelmed and frankly it’s pissing me off. I’ve had the conversation with him that it’s bothering me but nothings changed and it just makes me feel controlling even though I know it’s because I find it all too intrusive and down right irritating. We both work full time, the only time we get the full day together as a family is Sunday.
Every Saturday when I come in from work his brother is here. He’s always ferrying him about, he’s a nightmare to get rid off. He’s always doing him favours like running him to the shops, wanting lifts, visiting other family members together.
His gran sadly passed away and they live down the road. His grandad is sadly alone and I feel for him but he’s constantly on the phone to him for favours or wanting his company. Every other night he goes down to sit with him for drinks, but the whole night has been and gone and I’m left on my Todd. I could go with him but I’ve got things in the house that need done, the kids and after a day at work I don’t want to go visiting.
The funeral is on Thursday so we get to see all the family then. But he wants to go visiting family members tonight because they are over from abroad. I got quite shitty because every night is either him visiting people, doing favours and errands or ferrying family members around. I can never just get a night to ourselves.
He calls everyone on the way home from work, and in the house several times a night.
I’m just getting bloody pissed off with the level of involvement. I’m an introvert and like my space and I just feel smothered. He regularly invites family members on days out with us too. Everything nice needs to involve the whole family coming along.
When he cancels plans after I’ve kicked off I feel controlling. If he didn’t want to do these things he just wouldn’t. So when I say no and he cancels I feel like I’m just the controlling wife.
Am I controlling or is this just too much?

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 19/04/2021 16:32

Goodness if his Gran's funeral is this Saturday than she has not long been gone! Of course he wants to support his grandad. And of course he wants to see family members from overseas. I am also an introvert but can totally see why he would! I am beginning to wonder if you have posted a reverse it sounds so weird you complaining about him seeing his family when they are all grieving for his gran.

Holly60 · 19/04/2021 16:42

How about planning things specifically for ‘just the ‘x’ of us’ rather than asking him to cancel plans he has already made. Likewise plan at least x number of ‘cozy nights in’ where you PLAN to watch telly/have a takeaway together - so that you plan in time to do things how you want as well as him. You need to talk to him about your needs and then work out a compromise that pleases you both. If he is unwilling to find time to do things how you want you then need to consider if you have such different outlooks that you aren’t compatible. Just telling him to cancel his plans is a bit controlling I’m afraid.

Holly60 · 19/04/2021 16:43

It also makes it easier for him to let down family: ‘oh hi bro - I would love to help but me and DW have a takeaway and film night planned. I can do tomorrow?’

MichelleScarn · 19/04/2021 16:45

So he's been down at his recently bereaved grandfather keeping him company? That's being a supportive family, and of course if family are over for the funeral he'll want to see them!

autumnalrain · 19/04/2021 16:45

an introvert shouldn’t marry an extrovert if you don’t like his extroverted ways

saraclara · 19/04/2021 16:49

Well the funeral and having visiting relatives isn't the time for you to draw attention to this, obviously. You will just sound incredibly selfish.

When this is over, is the time for a peppery conversation about who are the priorities in his life. You and your DCs, or his brother/other relatives. It's ridiculous that he spends every night attending to them and is never home with you. He's not expected to cut these people off entirely, but it's the family that he's created that he should be spending the most time with.

NailsNeedDoing · 19/04/2021 16:49

His Gran has just died and you begrudge him going to spend the evening with his grandad, or visiting family that are here for the funeral?

Yes, you are controlling. This is not the time to be thinking of minor niggles like his brother coming over more than you’d like. Even then though, it’s his house too, if he wants his brother to visit when you’re at work, what’s the problem?

IbrahimaRedTwo · 19/04/2021 16:50

You picked the week his granny died to complain about this? Yes, you are controlling!

Bobbots · 19/04/2021 16:54

I agree the timing is bad and this isn’t the right time to bring anything up. You will look mean and uncaring, even if the issues date way back before his gran died. Leave the dust to settle for a few weeks, then have a conversation.

Also presumably he has only just resumed spending all his time with family; we have been in lockdown? So hasn’t he been with you and the kids for most of the past few months? Even if he’s in a bubble with someone (brother?) we haven’t been allowed to see anyone for months so there will naturally be a period where he wants to see family a lot. Unless he has been breaking the rules this whole time?!

gannett · 19/04/2021 18:27

I personally can't deal with that sort of suffocatingly close family model... the idea of them always being there, always invited etc would drive me nuts as well.

HOWEVER coming out of a year when they presumably haven't seen much of each other AND in the week of his gran's funeral is absolutely not the time to get shitty about it! And of course if relatives are visiting from overseas he's going to want to make the most of it.

OldEvilOwl · 19/04/2021 18:31

YABU. His family have come from abroad for the funeral and your moaning about him going to see them? And of course his grandad needs more support at the moment.

However the inviting people to join you all the time sounds irritating

Holly60 · 19/04/2021 19:53

@gannett

I personally can't deal with that sort of suffocatingly close family model... the idea of them always being there, always invited etc would drive me nuts as well.

But presumably in this case, you wouldn’t marry or be in a relationship with someone who does enjoy it? I can’t imagine how you would resolve such fundamental differences, and can only really see it ending in a split :(

denverRegina · 19/04/2021 20:07

Yep, bad timing. Shut up and put up for now and that's the first time I've ever considered giving that as advice!

CattingTime · 19/04/2021 20:43

I think you need to put up with it for now if they haven't even had the funeral yet.

But if he's calling/seeing other family members multiple times a week I would be seriously putting my foot down. Weekday evenings having people in the house would do my fucking head in.

But then that's why I married an introvert, and luckily not much family live nearby. I couldn't hack it. I can manage twice a month seeing family and that's it.

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