Why don't I have the courage?

[lovethyself1991]

I know what I need to do to change my current situation, but I'm finding it difficult to stick to my decision.
I don't know if it's a character flaw or a lack of esteem, but I'm losing my mind over being constantly unhappy.

I've spoken to my partner a few times about me not being happy and not loving him, I've told him that it's in our best interest and our kids to separate, but he will not accept it.
Why can't he accept that I don't love him and move on?

I don't know if I'm scared of what the future holds or fear due to not knowing how difficult he'd make things for me if I was to move on.
One thing is sure, he won't let me go without a fight.

So my question is how can I build up the courage to do what's best for me? How do I stand my ground?

Know first that he doesn't need to accept it. It is entirely up to you if you want to remain in the relationship or not. It is not a negotiation. You do not have to persuade him to 'let you go'.

Is it possible that you are hoping he will be the one to take action? And that is why you are kicking your heels waiting?

Because I'm sorry but, the only reason he would leave would be if it benefits him in some way. Right now he is happy and he will never care that you are not.

You have every right to end something that no longer works for you. You should take a leaf out of his book and look to your own happiness above all else. Because if you dont pursue it, you'll never find it stuck in there with him.

You have to decide that it is over. Then no matter what fuss he kicks up, it doesn't matter. Because you've decided it's done and that's that. If you truly make the decision that it is over, then it is. Its that simple. Sure, he might throw a tantrum about it, but so what? Just keep plodding forwards with your steps towards freedom.

You stand your ground by deciding his opinion does not matter, is irrelevant. And by taking the steps you need to take to get free. One at a time.

Speak with the relevant bodies such as a solicitor about any property, womens aid about any abuse ect...

But you have to decide. No more negotiations. Just do what you want because its what you need to do.

Do you want to move out, or do you want him to move out?

What's worse: him making things difficult for you in the short-term or you being unhappy for the rest of your life?

@EscapeDragon

Do you want to move out, or do you want him to move out?

He's not willing to move out so I've decided to. I've found a bigger property for me and dc as we are overcrowded in our current home. He thinks that he'll be moving in with us. I've told him to look for a place to live for the past two months now and I know he hasn't.

Would writing out a time line help?
Roughly along lines of, separate finances, sort child care, divide joint property, agree Christmas sharing, dc birthday sharing.
Funding a new place and having dc needing duplicates of everything will need a lot of planning.
If you can write down your strategy and have answers in place for all his future objections, then I think you may feel stronger.

It sounds like you have made up your mind and you're telling him but he's not listening. What is the legal situation between you? It sounds like you're not married. Who owns the house or are you renting? Are the DC his?

@TeeBee

It sounds like you have made up your mind and you're telling him but he's not listening. What is the legal situation between you? It sounds like you're not married. Who owns the house or are you renting? Are the DC his?

Our current house is in my name, and he's an occupant. We are married but not legally, just a religious marriage. So we aren't tied to each other legally.

@willowmelangell

Would writing out a time line help? Roughly along lines of, separate finances, sort child care, divide joint property, agree Christmas sharing, dc birthday sharing. Funding a new place and having dc needing duplicates of everything will need a lot of planning. If you can write down your strategy and have answers in place for all his future objections, then I think you may feel stronger.

I wish that we would be able to communicate properly and discuss these things, but knowing him he will no cooperate, if anything he'll make things worse for me due to the fact that I've ended things with him.

He can't make things worse that you being perpetually miserable. Get some legal advice about how to get him out the house.

In what way do you think he will make things difficult?

@Wanderlusto
I want you to be my best friend.

I don't know the legal position but I'd speak to a lawyer before moving house yourself. You may be able to simply ask him to leave, change locks, get police to remove him. If he's not married to you & has no official tenancy with you.

I would speak to Women's Aid or similar kind of organisation. I'm sure they will be able to support and offer you help and advice. Many women have these worries and fears when trying to leave a relationship, don't be ashamed. I think the more knowledge you have as in regards your safe keeping, financial and legal matters the better.

@Wanderlusto

Know first that he doesn't need to accept it. It is entirely up to you if you want to remain in the relationship or not. It is not a negotiation. You do not have to persuade him to 'let you go'.

Is it possible that you are hoping he will be the one to take action? And that is why you are kicking your heels waiting?

Because I'm sorry but, the only reason he would leave would be if it benefits him in some way. Right now he is happy and he will never care that you are not.

You have every right to end something that no longer works for you. You should take a leaf out of his book and look to your own happiness above all else. Because if you dont pursue it, you'll never find it stuck in there with him.

You have to decide that it is over. Then no matter what fuss he kicks up, it doesn't matter. Because you've decided it's done and that's that. If you truly make the decision that it is over, then it is. Its that simple. Sure, he might throw a tantrum about it, but so what? Just keep plodding forwards with your steps towards freedom.

You stand your ground by deciding his opinion does not matter, is irrelevant. And by taking the steps you need to take to get free. One at a time.

Speak with the relevant bodies such as a solicitor about any property, womens aid about any abuse ect...

But you have to decide. No more negotiations. Just do what you want because its what you need to do.

Thank you sooo much, your words have given me a boost of strength. You're absolutely right, I've just NEVER made a decision to put myself first, but this will change!!

OMG, I did it! It happened. The opportunity presented itself and I took it.

I told my DH that I feel so sorry for everything that has happened to him, to us, and would like to stay together a little longer until we heal and are both back on our feet. However, I cannon be his intimate partner anymore, I really cannot. There is no connection between us anymore. I definitely think that he should be stay with us a little longer and in six months or a year that he should move. I told him, as calmly as I could, how I feel. That I feel exhausted by this relationship, how he makes me feel stressed, intimidated, uncomfortable. I can never talk to him about anything important he will start arguing, put me down, shut me up. All the while, he was just listening, which I appreciated, he was not arguing like he usually does, but he was not “listening” listening, because he did not once say, “I am sorry you feel that way”, “I am sorry this happened”, he just sat there. He asked if I did not want to work this out? But how, I asked, we have been together 25 years, if we have not figured it out by now, we never will. And what does he mean by “working things out”? Have sex. Because this is what would happen in past. He thinks that as long as we have sex our marriage is ok. OMG. That is what he thinks. He never really does anything different; he does not even try. He does not think that he is doing anything wrong.
So anyway, I think, that we will do that now, wait it out until he gets a proper job and the whole family heals from the loss we experienced, at least that is what I think. He has not said much. How do I feel? Better, not great, and at times just the same. But I am glad that I am over the hump. There is no going back now, just onwards and upwards.

I hope OP that you get your opportunity soon. If you wish you can contact me directly and we can correspond, perhaps help support each other.

@loveyourself2020

OMG, I did it! It happened. The opportunity presented itself and I took it.

I told my DH that I feel so sorry for everything that has happened to him, to us, and would like to stay together a little longer until we heal and are both back on our feet. However, I cannon be his intimate partner anymore, I really cannot. There is no connection between us anymore. I definitely think that he should be stay with us a little longer and in six months or a year that he should move. I told him, as calmly as I could, how I feel. That I feel exhausted by this relationship, how he makes me feel stressed, intimidated, uncomfortable. I can never talk to him about anything important he will start arguing, put me down, shut me up. All the while, he was just listening, which I appreciated, he was not arguing like he usually does, but he was not “listening” listening, because he did not once say, “I am sorry you feel that way”, “I am sorry this happened”, he just sat there. He asked if I did not want to work this out? But how, I asked, we have been together 25 years, if we have not figured it out by now, we never will. And what does he mean by “working things out”? Have sex. Because this is what would happen in past. He thinks that as long as we have sex our marriage is ok. OMG. That is what he thinks. He never really does anything different; he does not even try. He does not think that he is doing anything wrong.
So anyway, I think, that we will do that now, wait it out until he gets a proper job and the whole family heals from the loss we experienced, at least that is what I think. He has not said much. How do I feel? Better, not great, and at times just the same. But I am glad that I am over the hump. There is no going back now, just onwards and upwards.

I hope OP that you get your opportunity soon. If you wish you can contact me directly and we can correspond, perhaps help support each other.

Thank you very much for your response.

Well done for escaping and choosing you!!
Your story is very similar to mine, except I've been married for three years.

I can definitely relate to the sex part, he thinks that as long as he's getting some everything is fine, normally that would be the case I'd give in and still hold soo much resentment, he couldn't care less about how I feel or want to fix things.

But I guess when you allow soo much from someone they can see that there aren't any consequences to bad treatment, so they eventually don't care. Or they think you're not capable of going anywhere.
I'm soo happy that you've managed to leave, I'm currently in the process of leaving myself with two young DC. But I'll be the one moving! I can't wait to start fresh not be in his presence.
Last night we got into a full blown argument due to me refusing sex and telling him for the 1000x the reason why.
He belittled me told me I was nothing and that I was overweight and he could get women better looking than me. Bear in mind my youngest child is under one. I decided to sleep on the sofa and I will continue to do soo for at least two more weeks while I finish off the last touches in my flat.
I know it's going to be hard on my own but I have hope that things will get much easier x

Loveyourself2020

Sorry I forgot to ask, did you always feel like This? Instinctively we know when a situation is wrong for us. Deep down we can feel that something isn't right.
What made you stay for soo long?

@lovethyself1991
Dear OP, I just realized that we have the same MN name. Yours is lovethyself1991 and mine is loveyourself2020 and I gather that it comes from the same realization that we give some much more love to others then we do to ourselves. The first few years, I loved my DH so much I could not breath. He was everything to me and I did all I could to make him happy. I really wanted to have bunch of kids and so when the kids started coming, I focused on them. It was not easy as we are immigrants and did not have a lot of support. My DH was great in those days, equally sharing responsibilities with child raising, we both worked and did not have a lot of time together, so we cherished it.

But you are right, I always felt that something is wrong, that our relationship is not what it is supposed to be. However, it took me a long time, perhaps a decade, to admit to myself that he is not the husband I wanted him to be. I realized that he would often take on a responsibility just because he wanted to be in charge, to control the outcome. We were losing friends and ended up almost totally alone. Gradually my relationship with my only sister also became strained. I became anxious, fearful, uncomfortable in my own skin, my own home. Everything was always the way he wanted it. We never go out, never travel outside of the country, never got our own home, I could not dress up my house or my kids the way I wanted it, DH was always controlling it. Oh, dear, I could go on and on about this. Why it took me so long? Idk. You know how they say, the time will come and you will know it. This time it just came to me. Enough is enough. Last year I turned 50 and we were 25 years together and one day I told my self, this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. I want to be happy; I want to live my way not his, do what I want, buy what I want and most importantly, breathe, relax and be content in my own little world.

@lovethyself1991
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Being bullied by your own husband is hard. You see when we marry, we expect that our partner has our back always, so we blindly just put ourselves in their hands trusting that they will take care of us. Some do, but not all. Some always think of themselves and their needs first. By the time we realized that this person is not your best friend and that he is not doing his job, sometimes years go by and a lot of pain and hurt accumulates within ourselves.

Have you tried couple counselling? Maybe with it, your oh will understand.