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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can People Change

19 replies

Jessiejuju · 19/04/2021 04:57

So me and my OH have been together for a while now and we did rush in to things at the beginning we had only been together for 2.5 months when we found out I was pregnant and now our son is turning 3 in August
OH has always been a bit of a man child however our relationship has drastically changed to a point where I'm not sure it is salvageable our son is very behind on his development and is currently going through the hassle of many appointments which is very stressful and emotionally taxing and I am his main point of contact, plus we are currently on benefits however we are mostly ok with money as long as we a smart I have managed to work out a budget that allows us to pay all our bills do food shopping save up for a holiday at the end of the year and still have some left over for the occasional treat however OH seems to think I can pull money out of thin air and I am left trying to find money to pay bills after he decides he is ordering a takeaway, he also does very little around the house and what little he does do he does sloppily and so badly that I end up doing it myself and then after I have done cleaning, cooking, shopping, budgeting and trying to encourage my child to just say one word he complains that have the nerve to get upset with him when I have to redo the one job that I asked him to do or when I say I'm tired and I finely told him that if he wants to have a chance of saving this relationship then he needs to step up and become someone that I can depend on and then once we get to that point and I feel like he is working with me and not against me I will probably be less emotional and irritable. But can people really change that much?

OP posts:

Perching · 19/04/2021 05:02

I don’t believe people change. Love is not always enough to keep a marriage going esp if you have extra challenges. Not having the same attitude to money/work ethic is a killer.
Could you go it alone? Sound like you do it all alone anyway...

TwoStepsAhead34 · 19/04/2021 05:05

Seems like you are doing it alone and a fine job without him already. Leave.
Life's too short.

starrynight21 · 19/04/2021 05:08

In my humble opinion, no they can't change that much.

Your OH sounds pretty hopeless, and to be honest I'd say he is dragging you down instead of being a team player. YOU are doing a fantastic jog by the way - juggling all those needs at once and managing the money so well.

If I was in your shoes I'd make some plans to get out of this relationship, he isn't adding any value to your life or the life of your son.

Give him a chance if you want to, but don't hold your breath waiting for him to change. In my experience, when a man child gets given an ultimatum, they usually behave even worse than before. I'm sure he'll soon start accusing you of nagging him , picking on him etc.

Good luck, but make some plans for life without him.

fallfallfall · 19/04/2021 05:50

a person can change and can step up. but if he really wanted to he would have shown good signs of it already. after all it's his child as well.

RachelRavenRoth · 19/04/2021 05:57

People can, if they want to and are motivated to do so. This one isnt. So wont.

You've set yourself up for dealing with his lazy half-arsed ways for a long time. Best to get your practical head on now.

RachelRavenRoth · 19/04/2021 05:58

Oh and if he did a shit job that needed to be done again, he would be the one doing it again in my house. I certainly wouldnt.

RulesDontApply2Me · 19/04/2021 08:08

He may be able to change. It’s just whether or not you have the patience.
He also needs to be showing signs of change.
It would help if you could make him see your POV. At the moment, he just doesn’t understand why everything you ask of him is necessary. He needs to understand the level of disrespect he is showing you. Once he understands that, then he can take the correct steps to change his ways.

If the link below has worked, ask him to read it. He needs to understand it, if he is going to change.

www-huffpost-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp?amp_js_v=0.1&usqp=mq331AQHKAFQArABIA%3D%3D#origin=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.co.uk&prerenderSize=1&visibilityState=prerender&paddingTop=32&p2r=0&csi=1&aoh=16188159610772&viewerUrl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.co.uk%2Famp%2Fs%2Fwww.huffpost.com%2Fentry%2Fshe-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288%2Famp&history=1&storage=1&cid=1&cap=navigateTo%2Ccid%2CfullReplaceHistory%2Cfragment%2CreplaceUrl%2CiframeScroll

Lozzerbmc · 19/04/2021 13:48

He will only change if he wants to, but why would he want to? I think you’d be better on your own

Dontcallmewifey · 19/04/2021 13:56

People can change but they have to be very internally motivated to do so.

Someone who does not think they have a problem won't change.

If his only motivation to change is so that you don't leave, he may (and it is only a may) manage to temporarily improve, but will revert once he feels comfortable again.

So basically, if he recognises he has a problem that it is a priority for him to fix to improve how he feels about himself and his life he may be prepared to put in the very hard and long term work to change his thinking and behaviour.

If he doesn't have all that motivation he won't.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 19/04/2021 13:59

In this case, no. You're no a hiding to nothing here.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/04/2021 18:19

People never ever change, get rid of him. I learnt this very early on.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/04/2021 18:23

If a man hasn't grown up in order to provide for his family and be a good father, he will never change. Run for your life

Dacquoise · 19/04/2021 19:43

We evolve as people over our lifetime. I am certainly not the same person I was as a teenager, or when I first married or had children. Experiences change you.

However, some people don't grow and mature in the same way. They have an attitude of entitlement or fixed views on what they will or won't do. If you are having to constantly point out things to someone else, they aren't or don't want to get it. You may also be unintentionally enabling his lack of participation by doing it for him. You can either have a serious discussion with consequences or get rid of the problem altogether. My experience with these sort of issues has been that agreements are very quickly 'forgotten' and so it carries on.

Onthedunes · 20/04/2021 01:31

Yes people can change sometimes for the better but in my experience it's usually for the worse.

NiceGerbil · 20/04/2021 02:09

What did he say when you said he had to step up?

Out of interest.

No I don't think people fundamentally change.

And where's his motivation to do so? Do you love him, does he love you?

How is he with your son? Doesn't sound like he's very interested from what you've said.

How old are you?

This will be controversial I'm sure but the older I get and the more people I meet etc. I really think that way too many men are stuck at about age 19. And also have a really deep down idea that stuff to do with house kids etc is not their problem.

I don't think he'll change, based on what you've said. Sorry.

sunshine789 · 20/04/2021 09:46

People can change if they want to change.
But your husband is quite comfortable with the situation of you working the finance and other things in the family, so why whould he change?

Is it something you've agreed at? That you bring money home and do all the choirs and he does nothing?

If not, that you'll need to discuss all of that, agree on who is doing what and move with it.

Its not really clear what relations do you have overall, so it might be a good idea to end these relations at all.

Original poster

Jessiejuju · 23/04/2021 02:02

So he said he will try and do better and I do sort of understand why he is struggling he lived with his mum until we met 4 years ago and he never had to do anything then we met and with in 2 months we were living together and I was pregnant he was 22 at the time although he is now 26 and I am 25. I expected that after 4 years he would gave learnt how to do things and look after himself. He is a good dad he just has a pretty laud back attitude to decision making but thats not because he doesn't care its just because he trusts me. As for weather or not I love him I must admit I don't really know I think I do or at least I did I don't really know what love is supposed to feel like but I enjoy spending time with him when we can be alone of when we go out we get on so well its just when we come home we start having problems.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jessiejuju · 23/04/2021 02:14

Firstly I would like to thank you all for giving me advise.
Secondly I know that after 4 years of being together it is rather unlikely that anything is going to change and maybe I would just be better off on my own however I don't think I am quite ready to give up on our relationship whatever it might be however I'm also not going to let myself be blinded by emotions anymore. I do think that I have maybe been to soft on him and since I last told him how I feel I have been a bit more firm with him and j have seen very small improvements and he really is a good dad he does not feel the need to nake decisions involving outr son because he trusts that I will do what is best for him and he is great with him and you can tell that our don loves him and of course I know that is nireason to keep him around but too be honest I don't know icim overly bothered about romance and stuff so ic ge can get better at things around the house then we could at least be comfortable living together at least tgats what I hope because truth be told I'm afraid to be alone.

OP posts:

Shelddd · 23/04/2021 05:48

He is at an age when people do change. I am quite different at 35 than I was at 25. Mid to late 20s is usually when people emotionally mature a lot.

Not saying he will mature/change but people do all the time around that age.

Is he working at all?

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