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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Children having contact with ex husbands parents.

27 replies

Justmeandme19 · 19/04/2021 00:51

It's a very long and boring story, but will try and keep it short and sweet! I really need some impartial advice about a rather difficult situation.
I have 2 primary school children who do not see their father. He was abusive towards the children and me, there is a court order for no contact. The children miss their father and also his side of the family. His parents would love to see the children, and are aware of how abusive he is as he also abuses them.
I would love the children to see his parents as I think it would be really good for them. As long as we establish ground rules and they are kept to, I don't really see it being an issue. I would of course also be there. But and this is a massive but. I know my ex will be very angry as he has already banned his family from seeing the children. He is also angry that the courts belived he is abusive. Even though I think it would be a really positive thing to do for the children I need to be realistic about the possible risk it could put us, but particularly me in.
I really really don't know what to do for the best. Anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
gutful · 19/04/2021 01:10

They aren't your "ex husband's parents"

They are the children's "grandparents"

They acknowledge their son is abusive

You have a court order in place instructing no contact.

He has no contact with his children

How will he find out the grandparents even saw the kids?

Him being angry will cause what kind of problems for you exactly?

I think the children should have a relationship with the grandparents if they are good people.

Jamboree01 · 19/04/2021 01:11

A child contact centre is an option thefma.co.uk/news/putting-children-first-how-a-child-contact-centre-may-help/

I obviously don’t know all of the details but it sounds like you need to be very, very cautious about this. If he has banned his family from seeing his own children, there is obviously a sandwich missing from his picnic. It does sound like his parents need to stand up to him. If they haven’t by this stage, then they could be very easily manipulated into him getting contact with you and the children.

It might be better to leave it until they are older and let them make their own choice- I think that is what I would do 💐

SherryPalmer · 19/04/2021 01:19

They aren't your "ex husband's parents"

They are the children's "grandparents"

The issue is that they are both! I think it would be wise to be wary. 1. Because you can’t truly know where their loyalties lie and 2. You can’t trust them to be strong enough to refuse him

Jamboree01 · 19/04/2021 01:23

I think OP was referring to them as ‘his parents’ to make it clear that they are the grandparents on his side of the family.

Regarding, court order, no contact and how he would find out- OP has stated that he is abusive towards her, the children and his own parents. Such people are very good at frightening other people, threatening them and manipulating them. There are all sorts of risks here and he could find out very easily. Have a little empathy.

caringcarer · 19/04/2021 01:32

I agree with other poster who suggested visit with paternal grandparents at visitation centre where they will be monitored throughout visit and you could go for a coffee whilst your children have supervised visits with grandparents. My son had to have visits with his Dad in a visitation centre. He had to show ID on arrival and there was a person in room with them throughout. If son needed bathroom they took him not his Dad. It would be a wonderful thing to do for both your children and their grandparents. Make it clear to them their Dad is not to be included or involved in any way.

SeaShoreGalore · 19/04/2021 02:31

I would give this a wide bearth.

It sounds like you’ve enough on your plate and this could open up a massive can of worms.

MangoSeason · 19/04/2021 02:41

I would strongly consider this on the following basis

  1. Never at their home, in case he turns up unexpectedly or bullies his parents into telling him about the meet up.
  2. Always with you present
  3. Always in a public place which you pick. Change the place every meet up.
  4. On the basis that if he ever turns up, meet ups will be suspended.
Original poster
Justmeandme19 · 19/04/2021 06:51

Thank you everyone who have posted.

Gutful
Pointing that out and "correcting me" was unnecessary. I wrote it this way so people would understand. I'm fully aware of who they are and their position in my children's lives hence this post.

I would have no worries about being the one who "led the contact". I would not allow it in their houses. The location would be my choice.
Using a contact centre would not be an option as the kids used it with their father for a bit. This would confuse them and raise their hopes that they would be seeing him. I think this would do more damage then good. Also I'm not really that conserned about "the contact". More about him finding out.
I'm aware that one of his parents is vulnerable and they would be easily manipulated.
He's still in some level of contact with his parents, be it him being totally vial to them. But it's not as if he has no contact so the possibility of him finding out is possible.
To be honest I hold so much guilt that the grandparents don't see their grand children, and I could obviously change this. But I carnt allow the guilt to override me and make us unsafe. I haven't worked so hard to protect the children to let this happen.
Thank you everyone for your responses.

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 19/04/2021 06:57

Have they asked to see the dgc or is this your idea? I'd be very wary tbh as it may lead back to your ex. If you don't think a contact centre would work can you meet them for a walk with the dc. I wouldn't ever leave them with their dgc in case your ex turns up.

midnightstar66 · 19/04/2021 07:11

Do you have someone else who can accompany you to the contact? Just another safety net and emotional support. If you're supervising the contact then I imagine it will be fine. Even if ex finds out it's taken place, I doubt they will tell him when and where so he can turn up. Is your number flagged to the police due to previous abuse? That might be another extra peace of mind. It does sound like contact will be beneficial for the DC in this case.

Allwokedup · 19/04/2021 07:17

I wouldn’t poke he bear. It’s a shame but this is your ex’s fault.

FelicityPike · 19/04/2021 07:24

I’ll be honest, I really wouldn’t.
Allowing them access could set a pattern and if you ever stopped it then they’d have proof enough to go to court and have you legally obligated to continue...which could in turn lead to dad manipulating his way to seeing the children.
I understand your guilt and your frustration, but I really wouldn’t.

PankhurstTastic · 19/04/2021 07:26

How about facetime or letter writing? I didn't see gp regularly as a child due to distance but still had a good relationship, so real world contact doesn't have to be the only type of contact. If the kids are old enough to chat they might all really enjoy a weekly facetime.

DoingItMyself · 19/04/2021 07:29

Facetime. Stay safe.

romdowa · 19/04/2021 07:30

What are the chances of your ex pressing his parents for the location/time of these meet ups and then turning up? How likely are they to cave.

PersonaNonGarter · 19/04/2021 07:35

Be careful not to put the grandparents in a position where they have to control exH from coming near the DC. They might not be as resolved as you.

CliffsofMohair · 19/04/2021 07:41

Be very wary about setting a precedent or initiating a situation which the courts may formalise down the line. If you know they can’t be trusted to stay away from ex then I wouldn’t put yourself or DC in that situation. If you really felt it was necessary then letters to start with and see how that pans out. At least you can vet content

Original poster
Justmeandme19 · 19/04/2021 08:19

Again thank you for all your replies. I really do appreciate it.

Tbh I think it's unlikely the courts would make me continue contact with GP down the line as they obviously don't have parental responsibility, so no legal standing
But I have considered this could be a option.
The gp have been in contact with me, they understand and hold no resentment towards me having to protect the children from their son. They understand his behaviour has left the children vunruable and why I have taken the course of action that I have.

I am not that worried about him turning up at contact, I think this is very unlikely. I would also leave strait away and call the police if necessary. The consern is his total unfounded hatred and blaim for me. He has taken no responsibility for his behaviour even with all professionals involved. He continues to believe its my fault. He has made threats to my life, how likely this is I'm unsure. I know he's already pressed and grilled his parents about when they last sew the kids. He becomes obsessed and I think he would be obsessed about his parents seeing them. This is the consern.
Letter writing is a no go as we are moving and I am very keen to not disclose my address.
I am very aware of the potential risk but tbh I'm struggling to weigh it up.
Yes i so have an allert on my home address, all other contact with him is blocked as he continued to send me abusive and threatening emails.
What makes it even worse is that socal services didn't do a very good job and really missed all the safeguardung conserns (I should really make a complaint). The other independent social worker assigned to the case totally got it and at a later date went against ss report. This means that the matter is a civel matter and not a public one. If I was to change my mind and agree contact that's my choice. My ex husband knows this and its added to his anger. Saying that I'm sure questions would be raised about my parenting if I did this as it would mean I wasn't keeping the children safe. Never the less this in it self intensified his hated towards me.

OP posts:
AuntyHope · 19/04/2021 09:47

My DC are in this situation and I am NC with ex and all his family for our safety. I was advised this by a few services, but also that's my risk assessment too. I can't open myself and my DC up to be vulnerable to him. Part of this decision was that having these grandparents who would always be distant, and might disappear again, or where there might be other issues and falling outs might be more damaging than NC, even if ex were to magically disappear in a puff of smoke.

It's really very sad for everyone in these situations. I do really feel for you, your DC and the paternal grandparents, but I think you need to be incredibly cautious, get advice from services, and be aware that any contact you do allow may need to be rescinded if it does become not in the DC best interests.

Tavannach · 19/04/2021 10:43

I wouldn’t.

As pp’s have suggested I’d go with a weekly facetime and letters for a year or two at least.

You say there’s an “alert” on your home. Presumably this is with the police. Why not discuss this with the person who manages “alerts”. They will understand the situation more fully

Original poster
Justmeandme19 · 19/04/2021 16:42

What a sad situation.
To be honest I think any contact and he would hate it. Its about him trying to control and manipulate people. I hate and I mean hate the fact he's still able to control us. But I think realistically the risk is too high.
There are so many other factors that make this dangerous and unprodictable. Mainly the fact that he takes drugs, is transient, has very poor mental health, his tenancy to domestic abuse and violence(with me and others). Not forgetting he has nothing to loose.
Very very sadly I think I will continue to decline contact and re visit this issue when the kids are at secondary school. One person's horrendous behaviour has the ability to rip a family apart and cause so much pain, horrible situation to be in. But protecting my children and my self has to come first.
Thank you all for your advise

OP posts:
minniemomo · 19/04/2021 16:52

I would suggest that you use a contact centre if you have concerns (at first at least) but otherwise they come to you or meet out somewhere rather than their house just in case

Original poster
Justmeandme19 · 19/04/2021 16:59

Thank you minnie
A contact centre would be distressing for the children as they used to go to one to see their father. They miss him so would be upsetting and confusing to go to. Also they cost, I can not afford to pay 50% which is what it is. Also doesn't really resolve anything as the consern is him finding out regardless of where contact is.

OP posts:
KindChick · 19/04/2021 18:12

Although you desperately feel it’s the right thing to do - as he has previously made threats to your life I think the risk is to great - for you, the kids and the grandparents.
I don’t think you should meet.
Perhaps zoom but other than that I think it’s too risky. X

Original poster
Justmeandme19 · 19/04/2021 20:48

KindChick
I agree, the risk is too high I shall not be facilitating contact any time soon. I'm sad about it but I need to remain focused and push forward with carving out a bright
future for the kids and me. Thank you everyone for your advise.
AuntyHope I PMed you, hope that's ok

OP posts:
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