How do you deal with fake/two faced family members??

[ragatutts]

Really need advice from someone that isn't DH and his 'just let it go and move on' type of advice.....

Due to being from a different country, DH's family is the only family I have over here. I have known from day 1 that they like to gossip (they're a big family) but unfortunately had to learn the hard way about how fake, spiteful and two faced they can actually be. I'm really struggling to come to terms with the fact that they will all talk about Me, DH and even our DD (who is 3) behind our backs, twist what we have said to make it sound 10x worse or even make up Lies to spread in order to cause unnecessary drama. DH doesn't want to hear about it at all, he said he's used to it and that's how they've always been so there's no point in calling them out on their bullshit because they will never change. I don't want anyone to change, all I want is to set clear boundaries that are not to be overstepped. When I tell DH that I want to minimise contact with them, he says I'm being dramatic and overreacting for no reason. Every time we see them and they're all nice to My face, I feel that by not saying anything and carrying on as if nothing's happened and everything is fine I'm stooping down to their level. I feel like a doormat and a pushover.

Any advice welcome.

Lower your expectations and give them as little to go on as possible. Either that or tell them outrageous things and get a kick out of it that way.
You can only control yourself, not them, unfortunately.

I live abroad and my husband's family is the only family I have here. I speak their language so it's not as bad, do u speak their language? I have always lived by the rule of never getting too close and being civil, visiting now and then and them us. Just keeping it light and friendly and it's worked for us. I think when your too involved and they know everything about your life, no matter who the family is or what they are like it's a recipe for diaster.

Tell them only dull and I exciting details about your life. Give them nothing to work with.

How do you know that they are talking about you behind your back?
As PPs said give them very limited information to work with and keep your relationship polite but distant. I can see your DH’s point of view (I have relatives like this) they won’t change, it’s true, but you can change the situation by limiting your contacts. And it’s better to do as soon as possible ime.
However I would call them out politely whenever possible, at least to correct the facts.
By the way do you need practical or emotional support from them?

By the way I wouldn't go the route of calling them out. It never works in your favour. Trust me. Better to take the high road and just limit contact and tell your DH to also not share personal info with them.

When I tell DH that I want to minimise contact with them, he says I'm being dramatic and overreacting for no reason.

Your husband does not get to dictate who you spend your time with. If he wants to see them, fine, but you don't have to.

Google gret rock technique.

Your dh cannot on the one hand tell you he knows they bullshit etc and on the other expect you to continue seeing them. He may be used to it, but you don't have to be.

Stand up to him and say you won't be bothering with his family much anymore. I would do genuinely important family events - turn up to weddings, funerals and so forth - but other stuff, nope.

And just give as little information and ammunition to them as possible when you do see them. Be boring and innocuous.

Focus on building yourself a social life unconnected with them.

Just don't spend time with them. Let DH take DC when he does. If they ever have the gall to ask you why you won't see them, tell them!

Use the time he spends with his family to see a friend, start a hobby, have done you time.

Who is telling them everything you say?

My extended family were like this when I was a kid, there is not really a lot you can do, but don’t join in the gossiping, keep contact to a minimum and just answer with platitudes.
Gossips gossip as they have nothing else in their lives worth talking about

I grew up with that, op, and sympathise with you. My mother was the worst unfortunately. She did however improve as she got older and always had many good points. I concentrate on her good points because there is no 'point' in trying to change her now, she would never admit anything anyway.

Regarding talking about you and your family, etc, those who do the gossiping really do need to be told it is unacceptable.

They are entrenched in a habit, a learned way of thinking that has never been challenged; no doubt they believe everyone does it but actually, they don't. I don't. If I needed to talk negatively about somebody, or vent, I would choose a confidante miles away who does not know nor is likely to know the people concerned. By the time I've sorted that, the need would have diminished :-).

If people realised how much hurt is caused by gossip, other than innocuous or pleasant subjects, they might not do it.

Simply put, you don’t need your husband’s permission to reduce the amount of contact you have with them.

That’s what I do with in laws I don’t like. Let DH have his own relationship with them and facilitate seeing him and our child if they like, be polite and civil and frankly dull when I do see them, and remember that whatever they decide to discuss about me is their business and as I expect it from them it doesn’t bother me.

Perfect being distant, cool, and breezy.

Reduce your emotional investment in them.

Ideally you'd limit your overall contact with them but when you can't, just grit your teeth and get through it, like a dentist's appointment. Don't give them any more information than is absolutely necessary, don't let them know how you're feeling, just be pleasant and civil to the point of boring. Then it's over.

And build up as much of a social circle as you can away from them. A good group of friends you actually like goes a long way to reducing the power unpleasant family members can have over you. What does it matter what they think or say, when you have people you actually like and trust in your life?

I think your DHs childhood was crap in so many ways and growing up within that dynamic was likely very difficult for him. People from such families too end up playing roles - what are his here?. Is he seen as the scapegoat or black sheep of the family?. I would think it a given sadly that they already talk about you all, you people get tarred with the same brush as he has been.

Your DHs own counsel of "just let it go and move on" type advice he has given you has not really worked out for him either. He is still mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re them and that together with his own inertia keeps him trapped too. He grew up seeing such from his family and indeed regards it as "normal" mainly because he knows no different. He is that conditioned by them and as a result he cannot and equally will not deal with them. He really does think the sky will fall in on him if he did say anything out of line (he wants you to all get along so that he does not have to do anything).

The being a "grey rock" technique is something you could try but that can be quite exhausting to keep up. These people will not like your boundaries and could therefore disregard and or otherwise ignore them.

You do not have to see them if you do not want to; your DH is not the arbiter of your relationship with them. Would you tolerate this from a friend, no you would not. Relations are no different.

I'd just move country xD

Seriously though, boundaries are not something you set for other peoples behaviour. They are something you set for yourself and how you allow other people to treat you.

If I think someone is an asshole, I dont keep them in my life. If my partner makes that a problem for me, then he can fuck off as well. No way in hell would I allow toxic people around my kid.