Struggling with boundaries with (recently separated) stbexh please help!

[Jadetreesbringluck]

It was my decision to separate and its been a year. Living in different houses about 7 mths. He has taken it badly but has put a lot of work into changing and is doing well in lots of ways... however, is struggling to make the break from me.

Now I am part to blame because I dont hate him (but DO NO want to get back together) and have been worried about his mental health. His Mother passed away not long after we broke up and he has no other family. We moved nearer to my family about 2 yrs ago which means that he has no friends or support network here and his original home is a hell of a drive (5hours). So I feel guilty because I made the decision to separate and Im living where I have friends and family. I have wanted to co parent positively but think I have put in poor boundaries. Letting him come on days out, having dinner in my house once a week or going to his when he has the kids for sunday dinner for instance.

The trouble is it is really getting me down now as he is always ringing me/texting me...just normal day to day stuff. Also leaning on me for emotional support re the break up and his mothers death, his feelings of guilt for his part of the marriage breakdown.

As I said he is dealing with things now that I never thought he would. He has cut down on alcohol is doing exercise and looking after his mental health and a long term physical problem. I am genuinely proud of the progress he has made and was really happy that we could still be friends and co parent the children well but I cant be the first person he calls about everything in his life and he is telling me so much heavy emotional stuff I am feeling drained.

I told him today that I am finding it too much and he was upset. I am genuinely concerned about him and want him to be happy but I cant be the support he needs? Its mentally draining and Im getting annoyed with him which is not fair on anyone. I am also concerned that it might be confusing for the kids? Obviously co parenting with us getting on well and being on good terms is good for them but is this level of involvement crossing a line?

I said I would talk to him properly about it tomorrow and I was hoping for some help in how to handle this? Im finding it hard to articulate and it sounds really petty when I think about particular instances - like if I say stop texting me so much he will say well Im only asking how you are/telling you what the kids are up too etc....

Any advice?

Im sorry to see that no-one has commented here. It sounds like a horrible situation, and one I can say I have been the DHs shoes with to some degree.
I think honesty is the best policy here, Sum up all you have said here and tell him. The guilt, the hurt all of it. He should appreciate the position, and hopefully appreciate your support to get him off stabilizers rather than you being them

Thank you for replying!! Felt like I was making a big deal of nothing but its actually pretty difficult! I did talk to him kindly but honestly and he seems to have taken it on board and apologised for his behaviour. So that's good and I'm feeling better about it.

It's just hard because I don't want to hurt him and as I said I don't hate him or anything!! Anyway I appreciate you taking the time. Thank you!

Was just hoping to hear from people in a similar situation to see how they handled co parenting and remaining friends with the exdh.....but maybe its not very common!!

It’s great he’s doing so well.

Would he go to counselling? If he could do that then it would give him an outlet other than you.

That way you could wean him off you.

With things opening up he may try a new hobby? That would keep him occupied?

This is really hard for you - I know, I've been in a similar position (although my XDH was less nice). I found it very hard to put my foot down with him and as a result he had far too much control over me for years after we separated.

You want different things, and unfortunately it's going to be impossible for you to get what you need without making him unhappy. Once you can accept that however you do it he's going to be hurt/distressed/angry it then you might find it easier to act.

What I wish I'd done was put aside some time to work out what I would and would not accept, think about how he might respond, work out how to respond to his responses, tell him what the deal was, and stick to my decisions. Good luck.

Sorry, I wanted to respond but I was mulling my situation over. Ex moved out at the start of the year. We grew apart and then he messed up so the dynamics are a bit weird. But no matter what's happened we're amicable and coparenting well.

There are texts most days, mine are more functional but his can be more conversationsl, hoping with is going well etc.

I was worried, but I'm going to just keep an eye on it, as we move out of lockdiwn and keep adjusting, I guess this will settle down a bit. A friend did say about establishing boundaries when the time is right. Sounds bloody awkward mind you!

Can't offer advice as I'm a step behind you. We're separating, but still in the same house. It was my decision after an unhappy 30 years together. My four children are older, and we still do, and plan to do, some family things together. I don't hate him, so I really identify with your feelings. I anticipate some problems setting boundaries.