How to get on with my stuff when DP stays over?

[GhanaRi]

I struggle with getting anything done when my partner is with me eg on weekends or some week day evenings. I’m a very productive, driven, high achieving person but when I’m with him, I feel like I cannot concentrate on my stuff and block him out. We spend most of the time just talking etc, very 1:1 and it’s mostly my fault. I will distract myself and think up new things to talk about, ask him if he need anything, etc. I guess what I’m looking for is tips on how to reach the companionable silence stage - like, I am very independent and productive when I’m on my own but struggle with not even following him around the house chatting to me those days he’s with me.

Even when I’m using my phone when with him, if he says anything, I put the phone down and listen and respond to him whereas he can quite easily zone out and concentrate on his own tasks.

So I end up needing and wanting a lot of alone time to get stuff done.

Been with DP more than a year now

What sort of things are you trying to do?

Just reading books, focusing on newspaper articles, even watching a TV series

I'm exactly the same with my DP and my exDH of many years before him. I just couldn't get on with stuff. I felt like I had to consider them all the time, even though they didn't ask that of me.
I'm great being on my own as I can please myself, do what I want, randomly. Do nothing if I want.
I'm fine being around people if there's a time limited plan, ie - having a meal or drinks, watching a film chosen together. But I just can't relax if someone is just there.
I think it's just a quirk/mental block and glad I'm not alone! I can't seem to focus or concentrate. Sorry no help.

I have had this occasionally, especially with a partner who is a bit chatty or more extraverted than me. I find it useful to say out loud what I’m going to do or what I need, to manage expectations. “I’m going to read my book / spend some time painting / need to catch up on work.” Sometimes I have been even more blunt and said “I need some quiet time now” and the guy (current boyfriend) didn’t seem to mind.

I think you can also say this stuff in the context of planning other activities. “What time shall we have dinner, 8ish? OK, I’ll do a bit of work between now and then.” Or whatever it is you want to do. Presumably your partner has things they need to do or can entertain themselves with also.

Well, I think putting your phone down when asked a question is just good manners, isn't it?

But following him round talking at him sounds a bit smothering.

Or maybe I've misread that bit - who is following who?

I feel something similar. I can relax when BF is around but I can't get anything done - the problem is I want to! I feel restless to work, study, DIY - anything! But I don't, as it's "us" time. More than a night together (we often spend whole weekends together) and I start feeling claustrophobic and stressed about having all that time out.
My boyfriend is lovely but I start seeing him as something that stands in the way of me achieving things. It's not even rational but I feel I can't get anything done with him around.

I'm ambitious (starting own business now) but not a workaholic - I freely take hours out of my days to just relax, have a bath, shopping trip or anything else. Introduce another person though and I itch to get back to work! I'm starting to even consider asking my BF to just come round for sex and/or dates and then leave me to it. It's like I can't even have a relationship because I have "stuff" to do.

I'm not a fan of this feeling but it doesn't go away 🤷‍♂️

Ask for a bit of time to read or whatever?

Unless he is doing it on purpose like my ex used to whenever I picked up a book, eventually I just stopped trying to read... One of many reasons he is now an ex!

Stop spending time with someone when you would rather to be on your own?

It's not fair on him or you.

There is 'us' time when you should actually enjoy 1:1 time/chats/focus on each other. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more of your own time to get on with work/projects/hobbies too.

But if you're blaming/resenting him for not enough of the latter, it sounds as if this person or relationship may not be right for you.

I’ve been married 25 years and still feel
Like this- what I would say is when normality resumes is becwith someone with friends and interests- not just someone who seems to need ‘you ‘ to fill their time- it gets wearing

I'd say you could go either way - either move in together, so that you are both in your own home and not in a host/guest position, or meet up less, so that you have more free time.

As long as one of you is not in their own home, that person will always have less to do, and the other person will want to act the host.

Thanks everyone so far :)

Yes I agree with pp, I think it can get stressful when you are permanently in the guest/host situation. Can you just meet up for dates for set times instead?

Thanks for reply

I feel like others seem to manage it fine even if living apart to just turn up and do their own thing