Is it me?

[fluffball888]

I really cant believe I am writing this. It sounds so absurd. My online shopping arrived and there were toilet rolls which I hadn't ordered-the delivery man left them by mistake. My husband said why did you order these we don't need them, I said the man left them by mistake and he went bananas and said I was a liar, and really shouted and screamed. I tried to show him the receipt but he pushed it away and said you will have changed that because you are dishonest. He has not spoken for the last 7 days since this incident. Is he going mad or am I I feel I cant take this any longer. He always has done what ever he wanted and I have gone along for a quiet life, but this is too much. I have had enough. Has anyone else experienced things like this?

Hi big buttons,
Thank you , you are very kind. Yes, I think I should get half. However, he will refuse I know . I don't think he would care if I said its over, if he did he would not have subjected me to a life of abuse like this. I don't want to say it now as he will probably go mad again so I will go to citizens advice and get help and have it all planned and then tell him when I know everything is in place. He has never considered me ever, so I think he will only be concerned about losing his home and the fact that I work and he will have to start doing something for himself.

I’m glad you smiled. So there is still a little bit of happy in you. Time to grow it.

I’ll not lie. It is hard to leave. I left with nothing. Nothing.

But it is doable. And I’ve never felt as lonely being by myself as I felt within that relationship.

Along the way I found who I used to be. Complete with inner core of cow.

I wish you well. Life can be so different

Get your bitch head in op and have no more of his abusive shit .
Call a domestic abuse helpline if you can .
Good luck today is the first day of your new life

I wouldn't leave with nothing if it was my house to start with. How long have you been married, OP?

How long have you been married? It's not always a given that you would lose half the house if it was your originally. If it's a long marriage then it may be the case but don't just accept it without questioning. Hopefully the cab will be able to help you

Sorry - I wasn’t saying for the OP to leave with nothing. Just that I did.

It was your house OP. Fight for what is fair. It doesn’t necessarily have to be half and half. Don’t give up on it.

If it was mine before I married I’d be fighting hard for it.

My situation was totally different. It was better for me to disappear.

You need to speak to a solicitor, preferably one with experience of abusive relationships. It’s not a given that he’ll get 50% of your house. It will depend on other assets, future earning potential, pensions etc. Obviously he’ll fight you over every penny, but with the right legal representation you shouldn’t come out of it having lost half the house and with nothing else to show for it.

But whatever happens financially, you can’t stay with someone like this - he’s mentally unstable. If he kicks off like this over toilet rolls (and not even running out of them, which might be even slightly understandable, but having too many of them ) I dread to think how he’d react to something actually worth getting upset about.

Be very careful from here on, as he could escalate things if he senses you’re leaving him. Cover your tracks, get your ducks in a row and pick your moment.

Thank God you work and have your own money. Does he work and pay towards the house, wondering how much you have to pay to him in divorce.

Tell him to fuck off. Then get away from this dick.

I was in a similar position, Ex had irrational rages and then blamed me, silent treatment was used to bring me back under control.

When I wanted a divorce I assumed he would been happy, since he must hate me, however he saw that as the ultimate lack of his control over me.

My advice is to plan to leave quietly,don't expect him to be amicable. Find a solicitor who knows about abusive men. This is critical and where I went wrong as I thought if I was very reasonable he would accept it. The reality was if I gave an inch, he demanded a mile.

Get support, perhaps start a thread here to get you through the journey. There are lots of resources about toxic men online and start a journal where you list the incidents. When you look back you'll recognise how crazy the behaviour is and how much his abuse if affecting you. Get a check up with your GP as a toxic relationship affects your adrenalin system. Go out for walks and find a restorative yoga class.
You can get free from living this life.

I had a very similar thing happen to me with my ex over a chocolate bar. It was awful. I really feel for you. Other posters have given you some very good advice, I hope you can make a safe plan to leave. There's better things waiting for you.

Thank you so much for your kind and lovely message.It was so kind of you to write yes people have been full of advice and help I will leave . I hope you too have found happiness after your experience too x

Thank you to all you lovely people who took the time to write such helpful, supportive and kind messages. I am very touched by your kindness, thank you so very much to you all x

@fluffball888
"He stopped hitting me when I had a heart attack due to the stress but since then his verbal abuse has become worse."
Sweet Lady, get out of this hell and get out now.
There is so much support out there. I had nothing when I left my ex...nothing. Once the ball is rolling it all comes together. It's hard. Build from the foundations for a better future. You CAN do this.
Sending strength and hope. X

Thank you AceAlpaca,for your message is support, so kind , thank you. Yes, I am ringing CAB first thing tomorrow and will find out all I need . I hope your life is sweeter and content after your ordeal x.

How long have you been married op? If it's not long you might be able to divorce him without him getting 50/50.

He doesn't need advance warning. See a lawyer - preferably more than one. But find one that knows and understands abuse. Get everything as far advanced as you can then serve him papers.

Find a place to rent, get your house valued, get all the financial papers you can. Move your sensitive paperwork, passport, birth certificate, etc to somewhere he has no access. It all takes time, but some things are easier than others. Make a start, make a list. Divorce is a million mini steps - don't look at the big picture.

Download EverNote and scannable onto your phone. Set up scannable so it scans directly into evernote and using scannable on your phone, scan every financial document, tax return, pension slip etc that you can find of his.

These are all steps you can take that will help in the long run.

CAB where invaluable to me as was the Jobcentre. Get all the information and help you can. It feels like stepping off a cliff at first but it WILL be OK. I was in tears at the Jobcentre but everyone was so kind. They have seen it all before. Once you have control and take small steps it gets better. Much better.
Before calling CAB write a list of thing you want to ask and tick them off as you go. It will feel like progress. X