Silent treatment

[grecianurn82]

My gf is giving me the silent treatment today. We don't live together. I am feeling so anxious, i feel physically sick. This is common with her. I'll get a text at some point this afternoon/evening with some reason (my fault of course) that she hasn't been speaking to me all day. These reasons are often not even true but things she has just basically invented. When they are true they're are usually a tiny issue blown way out of proportion. I can't concentrate or eat or anything. Yes I'm aware how pathetic that sounds. I hate this about myself. I have a good career which i do really well in. I'm currently doing a post grad and achieving high marks. But she turns me into an absolute wreck.

You should dump her. This is just the start - if the relationship carries on, this controlling treatment will carry on and get worse. You're already a nervous wreck - you'll end up on medication, or worse, if you let it continue.

This behaviour is controlling. She is trying to train you to behave how she wants and if you don’t she punishes you by not speaking to you.

If you want to stay with this woman you will need to discuss how you communicate.

If she has a problem with something you’ve done/said she needs to tell you at the time so you have the opportunity to explain how you see whatever happened (there are two sides to every story) or apologise if you realise you were indeed out of line and agree with her.

Life shouldn’t be this much drama.

It could be that this is how her family handles things.

Or it could be that this is her initial stab at controlling you and she could move on to domestic violence (as happened to my dad but he never told anyone as he was shamed if being beaten up by a woman whom he couldn’t hit back).

I’d try talking first and I’d she can’t accept that her behaviour is not appropriate then you may have to split up to save your sanity.

If she was ever the mother of your child they could be treated like that too so it needs to stop. Oh and talking of which, you should abstain from sex or use condoms in the meantime. No contraception is 100%. You don’t want a baby in this mix just now.

Thank you, I probably should have made it clear that I am also female. I know this is a common pattern in her family. her mum is also quite controlling and abusive so it is absolutely learned behaviour. I just wish I didn't let it get to me so much.

Do you stuffer from anxiety generally? Because your reaction seems quite extreme. That being said she sounds manipulative.

I don’t think you’re compatible. Because your reaction seems OTT but her behaviour seems dismissive. You’re at opposite ends of the spectrum.

Obviously there’s two sides to every story so I can’t conclude who’s actions are disproportionate — but from the limited information , I’m going to say both.

@autumnalrain yes I do suffer from anxiety, moreso in relation to my personal life than anything else. At work/uni I'm often working to quite tight deadlines and the work places a lot of responsibility on me but I can cope with all that fine. I'm a single parent and my kids have additional needs and I cope with all that fine. When it comes to my relationships it's totally different, definitely with this one. I just hate confrontation so much. Again, i can deal with it on a professional level but not personal. I wish she'd just tell me what she's annoyed over so we could move on. I hate this stage of waiting around to be told.

Abuse has no part in a healthy relationship.

Abuse isNOT, repeat NOT about communication or a perceived lack of. It is about power and control and this woman wants absolute over you.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Its over really because of the abuse she is meting out to you; its unacceptable and its not your fault she is abusive towards you. This as you have realised is learnt behaviour from her mother who is herself abusive.

This person targeted you as well; your boundaries certainly need further revision and raising now.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You do not live together anyway so that is easier for you to end this relationship. You have every right here to live a life free from abuse.

I would urge you to make contact with the people below:-
Broken Rainbow
08452 60 44 60 or www.broken-rainbow.org.uk/
Support for LGBT people experiencing domestic violence.

The National 24 Domestic Violence Helpline
0808 2000 247
24 hour freephone national domestic violence helpline
operated in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge

"I wish she'd just tell me what she's annoyed over so we could move on".

Now you are minimising her unacceptable behaviour towards you. She is not just merely annoyed here; she is blaming you here for her abuse of you (the well you made me act like this excuse abusive types come out with). She is neither annoyed nor does she want to move on. All that will happen is that she could become "nice" till the next blow up and that is really the nice/nasty cycle of abuse.

Abuse like you are describing will take time to recover from, perhaps years even now. The longer you remain together the worst it will become for you. There is no moving on with someone abusive; your only real course of action here is to leave her.

If your girlfriend is not receptive about how her behaviour makes you anxious then she clearly isn’t the one for you.

Similarly, if you suffer from relationship anxiety and can be triggered quite easily by confrontation then dating someone who handles conflict in this way is never going to work.

You’re too different. A relationship should be your happy place. By the sounds of it, both of you aren’t happy.

Please ignore my broken rainbow link

Broken Rainbow has now changed its name to Galop and their link is here -

www.galop.org.uk/

@grecianurn82

Thank you, I probably should have made it clear that I am also female. I know this is a common pattern in her family. her mum is also quite controlling and abusive so it is absolutely learned behaviour. I just wish I didn't let it get to me so much.

Doesn't matter what sex you are. The silent treatment is on the list that describes domestic violence.

Get the bugger dumped.

Apologies for presuming you were a bloke

See how that works, somebody made a mistake, somebody put them right, somebody apologised. No upsetting hours of not speaking! Stuff sorted quickly.

That’s how it’s meant to work. You are not to blame for her bad learned behaviour.

She needs to take responsibility.

You need to discuss it once and for all. If she can’t behave like a normal person and insists on continuing this manipulative and controlling behaviour like her mother does then you’d be better separating, sorry.

It’s bad as it is, and I just fear it will escalate.

OP I echo all of the above. You sound like a very strong and capable woman in the other areas of your life, you need to apply the same approach to your relationship.

Also, if the relationship continues at some point you would presumably introduce your GF to your children. Would you want to expose them to someone who can treat you so badly (and potentially treat them that way too)? Would you want your children to see you being abused by your partner?

She only acts like this because you let her. I don’t mean it’s your fault, but by staying with her and accepting her behaviour you are allowing her to continue it. You deserve so much more x