affairs really unsettled

[jolly4]

hi i have been in my relationship for 18 years with a 10yr old boy and a 2 an half liittle girl met my partner at 25 felt happy and wanted to stay with him forever , dont get me wrong we have been thru the mill and had our problems and worked it out ,then when our dd was 9 months old and i had and do surffer depression breast fed till she was 18 months very demandin g went back to work when she was 8 months old, then when she was nearly 1 my partner started to have an affair with a woman he works with sister who met at a xmas party ,and this work partner is also a woman obviously they had been chatting on the works nite out , and took it from there her sister took her number in too work knowing full well that he has a family and partner , well this was going on for 9 months , sorry this is so long ,,,,,,,then last octtober , not the one gone but one b4 my dp went on a weekend away with friends for a 40tieth , while he was away this woman nock at my door said who she was cos i did know her sister as dp worked with her didnt think anything then i invited her in , she sat down , by the look on her face i thought her mother had died , BUT NO she came to tell me that she had been having a 9 month affair with my dp and that she had just come from having an abortion , i didnt slap her i didnt scream i just felt sorry for her she had what i thought great pleasure in revealing every detail and i askeed every detail i was curious , anyway she was here here for an hour then i told her to go .I then rang dp to tell him all about well since then i gave him choice to leave and he was remorseful came home we talk talk and talked till blue then we went thru a period ofhaving lots sex i knew he was mine i gave him choice to go but realised that he was a stupid man and nearly lost everything we made appointment for relate had a first one then by the time next one came we decided that we getting along with things therefore didnt need to go we were dealin with it , well we were decorating all thru house and feeling positive and i could get over this but then 2 months ago started feeling very depressed

continued .......... so now i am in a bit better but i feel as if he isnt making an effort dont want to split family but also my trust is damaged just basically the whole thing also the fact he has to go to work still with the sister of the woman he had the affair with but when i want to do my own thing he moans at me i need time to think dont know westher too ask him too give me a week alone there is loads more to this but long winded enuf

no advice or experience, but didnt want you to go unanswered.. sorry you are going through this

If I were you i would take a week on your own. Get some space and see how you feel about things. It will give you both a chance to work out what you want and may make things better.

If I were you i would take a week on your own. Get some space and see how you feel about things. It will give you both a chance to work out what you want and may make things better.

jolly4-only you can say if your relationship is worth fighting for but I would urge you to follow your gut feelings. I did and i don't regret it.

It is 4 years -almost to the day since I found out my dh was having an affair with a work colleague. My dh told me because her dh found out and was on his way to enlighten me -much like your experience.My world fell apart and it took almost a year to get HER and all the ripples that go out from an affair out of our lives.

4 years on I still sometimes have to talk about it with dh- he'd much rather I never spoke of it again as he knows just how much he risked for so little and can see that now. however if you don't bring these feelings out between you it festers and eats away at you and ultimately you will never heal.Your dh probably thinks any talk about what happened is pulling you back and damaging but i believe quite the opposite is true. trust is so easily lost and so hard to find again.Mistrust brings with it fear and paranoia (understandably)and despair. tHAT'S WHAT YOU ARE FEELING NOW- YOU THINK YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE THE SADDNESS AND THE PAIN -it can be done but not over night and not without a lot of openness and talking.

I went to a counsellor to help me cope with the rollercoaster ride of emotions- ranging from anger, saddness to overwhelming love all in the same breath. My dh also saw a counsellor (then we did a few sessions together)he needed to understand why he'd done what he done and to find away to "forgive" himself.

I'm still not sure that I can ever fully forgive him- that's ok- some things in life are unforgivable- but i have found a way to understand what happened when it happened and to move forwards. 4 years on I can honestly say we are closer and stronger as a couple because of what we faced together.

In the end for us the facing it together- taking all the pain - was what got us through. he had to and still to a certai extent has to go out of his way to reassure me- eg tell me where he's going to be, who with etc and above all be upfront about anything to do with HER- unless you are both completely open with each other then healing/trust will never return.

I still get days where the pain is like it happened yesterday- memory joggers are hidden everywhere and they jump out at you often when you are not expecting it- but I tell my dh i make him share the pain- each time we move atiny step futher from the past but very much into the future.

Fight for your relationship if you feel it is worth it-many people never get even close to a good family unit- if you have that cherish it. good luck.x

hi maturer i remember you coming on last year when i first found out and i was trying to track that convo but was like looking for a needle in a haystack thank you for putting some positive thought into my head today is a little better he has now admitted how jealous he is of me and he dosent trust me either , we both dont trust and are both jealous definately need to go relate i think thanks for your thoughts xxx