Beginning of end

[Sallyanne1968]

I’m here knowing its the end...after 16 years with DP 10 years of which living together. We have a DC14. DP’s been caught on dating/hook up sites many times (discovered by chance so am sure there is more i dont know). Hes promised never again but i saw several kik notifications on phone last week. He said he doesnt use the app any more (but really 3 notifications?!).

I said if he was truly sorry, (he always talks of how much he loves me, future plans, homes, holidays etc), I wanted the commitment of marriage at some future point. I guess this is more of a test. He’s thinking about it as understands the consequence if not. Its been a week and he has said nothing, other than hes thinking about it.. he doesnt need to give me his formal answer, his silence says it all. Its a shame as he is a good partner in other ways, thoughtful, generous.

I want to carry on until i’m better positioned financially and ideally after GCSEs. DC such a happy kid. Im wondering how I cope til then. My self esteem is so low right now. But i was ok on my own before and know i can be again.

Any advice /thoughts would be appreciated.

If he's on dating/hook up sites, he's actively looking for other people.
Why are you demanding a proposal from him? Why on earth would you want to marry someone who is looking for sex elsewhere?

Yes it does sound mad I know. The marriage thing was to see if he really was sorry, a sort of test to back up all he said, but its futile I know. Its over and I need to manage this as best I can for my DC.

When is DS due to sit his GCSE? presumably not until 2022?

If I'm correct then get things sorted and move on ASAP. For kids that's a really long time, plenty of time to adjust.

Whatever you do, so not marry him, it will not prove anything, nor change his behaviour. He SAYS the right things, but 16 years in he's never wanted the commitment enough to actually make one.

I'm sorry, it's not easy, but don't waste the next 16 years because of the time you've already spent together!!

By the sounds of it you will still have the same problems - you will just have a ring on your finger to look at while you wonder what he’s doing - if he says yes.

You know it is over.he’s told you that much by saying nothing at all.

Break free and be happy with someone who values you. If he is looking for hook ups he doesn’t. 🌻

Doesnt sound like there is anything left to do but make plans to end it...

Marriage would be a truly terrible idea!!

He is busy looking for someone else, clearly. You do the same.

And re:GCSEs. Better to sort your self & living arrangements out now so there's time to settle in to new routines, and things are amicable with (ex?!)DP, rather than waiting another year or two for this relationship to erupt and chaos to ensue

If you wait for GCSE, then you will be waiting for A levels and uni, there will always be something. Living with this’ll is making your self esteem rock bottom.

you are just looking for excuses to not do anything... either do something or put up with it but don't use your child as an excuse to stay - its unfair to load your responsibility on his shoulders.

Is there a reason he didn’t live with you until DC was 4? (If I’m reading that right.) His lack of commitment is nothing new by the look of it.

Thanks for comments. Had quite a bit of clarity of thought over wknd. I’m not making excuses and using my child at all, but I can see that I do have time to end this before school gets more serious. Ive realised Ive lived under such a strain for so long.

We lived in different towns a distance apart hence not getting together until DC was 4. But the lack of commitment is correct. I’ve worked some numbers and can just about afford to pay mortgage on my own. Time to move forward.