Clingy DS and possesive DH???

[Julezboo]

Hey

Didnt know where to put this really, its partly parenting and partly relationships. Ill decide whether to put it in both at the end.

DH has issues, not so much trust issues but he doesnt like to be left alone, which results in me not having much time for me. My ds (9mos) has gotten very clingy of me lately. I got annoyed with DH cos he said its cos I pick him up all the time. I dont like to leave babies crying so I wont do it. But then I bit back and said "no its cos I am always "mummy/partner/wifey" I never get time away from the house on my own, the kids on my own or him. Ive had the odd night out lately cos Ive made a few new friends since moving 200 miles so he could go back to a job he loved. And when ive gotten back home theres been an almighty row, and the atmosphere for a week or so after is awful.

We just had a weekend at my mums and it was horrendous for me, ds would look at anyone else without crying. He spent alot of the weekend in my arms. DH had a go at me and said its because i pick him up when he cries when i should leave him. I bit back and said its because you wont let me go out.

I know I shouldnt have said it, He is seeing a councillor and GP for his issues so I need to be patient. He is in a bit of a state mentally and i am trying to bare with it and be supportive but either way I cant win.

Theres another girls night out coming up on Sat this week, Ive told him Im not going, because hes not ready and I want to support him. Even though I am gonna feel left out cos all my friends are going. He keeps bringing it up saying "go" then "dont go" now I know he cant stop me from going, it is my choice not to go but not because i dont want to, because it would leave him in a mess. But either way i get shit.

At least once a week lately he goes into his "dark" mood and alkinds of insults thrown at me and I genuily (sp) think he doesnt know hes doing it when he does. He does apologise afters. But its like Im expected to keep going through it and then moving on and forgetting it. Most of it still hurts but i have my cry and then try and forget about it till the next time. Its taking it out of me, all of it.

Not sure what to say about your DH but just to say it is very normal at 9 months for young children to cry and want their main carer its part of seperation anxiety so don't worry too much about DS he will grow out of this.

anyone else ?

thanks dynamic

Hi,

My dad was/is jealous and possessive, my mum ended up never going out because if she did she had to spend the night staring at the floor - if she looked up she got accused of making eyes at a man and a terrible row would ensue. She couldn't go out without him, it just didn't happen. Over the years during their rows he told us all at various times that we weren't his, she was accused of 'sending messages' to the police station across the road if she looked out the window... utter lunacy. Then when we got older he transferred it to us - we couldn't leave the house without 20 questions, he would follow us to see where we were going, he would ring the place we'd told him we were going to see if we were there, if any boy asked us out he threatened to kill them -needless to say we all left home as soon as possible. He would always apologise afterwards too.

I'm sure your DH isn't as anywhere as bad as this, largely because you say he's having treatment for his issues - my dad would deny there was anything wrong with him, unfortunately my mum colludes with his behaviour by saying he's only like this because he 'cares'.

If your DH honestly wants to change - that's a question only he can answer, really - then there's hope. My mum married my dad in the innocent hope that he would then change because she felt if he were married to her, then he would have no cause to doubt her. Sadly his massive insecurities (which is at the root of his jealousy) remained and he only got worse. It's only now that he's in his late 70's that it's got mildly better, though he can still pull off one of his scary rages when the mood takes him.

As DynamicNanny said, clinginess at your ds's age is perfectly normal and they do get over it.

I can understand that you must feel like you get no respite, however, with your DH how he is. Having grown up in a house with a jealous, possessive man, I would say if he shows no real sign of changing for the better, then seriously consider your position, for the sake of your ds. We used to go to bed every night praying that dad would leave/die/be thrown out by mum. It sounds harsh but it was how we all felt.

I've just realised how miserably depressing my post reads - I don't want to come on like the voice of doom, really I don't, but remember this is his problem, not yours. It's brilliant that you've made new friends - can you talk to any of them about this? Perhaps (I hesitate to suggest this because it's kind of pandering to your DH's issues and the bit of me that's still v. angry with my own dad makes me want to say 'stuff him!') you could have them come round to yours for a takeaway/bottle of wine once ds is in bed, then dh won't feel he's being left alone? Or is your need to actually get away from everything for a bit (in which case ignore the above!)?

You have my sympathy, I do hope things improve for you

thankyou love cat...

Its mainly my need to get away from everything for a bit.
I have PND, been on Anti d's since ds was 6 weeks old, seems to have just been put on the back burner now whilst we deal with DH's issues although they are more severe than mine and i do cope quite well with the medication Im on now.

I truly believe he can change, its not him at all and hes only been like this since DS came along. (We also have a 5yr old too). Part of me thinks hes resenting all the attention the baby gets but he swears its not. Says im the most wonderful person to give him his son. Im his princess and he treats me like one on his good days. Today is a good day so Im half feeling guilty for even writing this post. I guess its all just getting on top of me, feel like im holding everything together, as well as worrying about my mum who has an abusive hubby and my uncle is dying, my best friends eating disorder which she wont admit shes got! Im trying to be there for everyone at the mo and its getting to hard for me to deal with it all. I take DH to his appts, i sit and listen to him rant and rave, i forget about all the hurtful things he says to me, I hold him when he needs holding. Whats there for me. Im not even that bothered about the girls night out tbh i would just love an afternoon strolling round town, stopping for a cuppa, more shopping, just me, or even an afternoon in the house alone but I know we are along way from tht yet.

At the moment DS wont even entertain anyone else which is a strain in itself. just feel like shutting the door on it all iykwim??

Oh, you poor love...

I'm really sorry I didn't reply last night, DH was working late and he walked through the door about 5 mins after I posted so I got involved with dinner etc and then fell into bed - not ignoring you, honest!

You really sound like you could do with a break - if you've got PND as well as having to cope with everything else going on around you then I think you're doing brilliantly to get out of bed in the morning (been there, done that!).

I know it's difficult with ds being so clingy, but do you think one of your friends would have him for a couple of hours while you went out for your stroll round town/afternoon in the house while dp is at work? You've said he won't entertain anyone else, but perhaps if you can walk away (hard, I know) he'd settle after a while?

My sil's dd was like this for a long while and it was incredibly distressing for her, but eventually she came to realise that while her dd sobbed and wailed if given to someone else while she was there, within 10 mins of her going, her dd would be fine and happy - then sob her heart out when she reappeared - and so she became a little easier about leaving her with others (she too was going up the wall stuck at home, but for different reasons).

I don't know what else to suggest, but I do hope that you get some time for yourself - you sound like you are in dire need of some 'me' time and someone looking after you for a change!

Does your DH appreciate your need for 'me' time? Does he know about everything else in your life and how stressed you are (sound)? Is he aware of just how much pressure you are under and would he be willing to put his feelings aside just for that one afternoon a week, for you? (I know you have the issue with DS but he's his son too, they should spend some time together!) After all, you're having to do that 24/7 by the sound of things. How does he feel when he's at work, can he cope then?

Take care of yourself (easier said than done, I know!) and try not to stress (ditto) - you sound like you're doing an amazing job of things under intolerable pressures.

I think you have got some really good advice from lovecat. And I definitely think you should insist on leaving DS with either DH or a friend and going somewhere for a couple of hours. Your DH is arguing both sides of the coin, isn't he? It's your fault that DS is like this, but you are not allowed to leave him ever. Your DH does sound terribly possessive but as you say it is a recent thing, it may be that he can work through it.

Thanks lovecat and bozza

to be honest I dont think DH does appreciate or understand my need for some "me" time as hard as Ive tried to explain it. I did get a bit last night. But only after Id rocked ds to sleep in his pram, put older ds to bed then could i sit down and i watched tv in bed for half an hour before DH realised I was gone and came up. Its pretty bad at home too, he doesnt like being in seperate rooms for long.

DH copes fine at work, its one of his main anxieties, losing his job and not being able to keep the roof over our heads hes brilliant at what he does and all the proof he needs is, hes worked in the place for a few years with a break in between when he moved up north to be with me, he went back becaus ehe missed it, they promoted him to team leader within 3 month and then 6 months after that he got promoted to office manager. I know hes under alot of stress at work but I dont think he understands how hard it is for me at home too

He does sound very stifling. Would you/he consider putting DS with a childminder/in a nursery for 1/2 day a week. so you could get a breather? Or have you a friend you could swap with, so you have her DC one afternoon a week, and she has yours a different afternoon. Or maybe just once a fortnight.

Could you go out of the house in the evening once the kids are asleep? Get a little bit of space that way, even if only half an hour to nip to the shop? If you live near the suburbs there is normally something open, just to get out for a bit with no worries about your baby as he'd be asleep. Or go for a drive?

My mum suggested a childminder/nursery too I may look into it. Something to think about.
Hes just screamed himself to sleep it the pram, next to me.

I do think though by getting your time alone in the daytime, you would be skirting round the problem, which is that your DH will not allow you time alone when he is available, so pandering to his possessiveness to an extent. But I suppose it might work while he is having treatment etc and then as DS gets older you could maybe do something of an evening as well. What about if you wanted to go swimming/to an exercise class? What would DH think about this?

You poor thing. The most crucial thing to cling to is that whatever your DH says, his clinginess and paranoia are his problem and not in any way your fault, so you will have to be kind but firm with him and have a life of your own. He is an adult: your DS being a bit clingy is probably partly due to your DH's behaviour, but most kids go through clingy phases and then grow out of them. If your DH is seeking treatment he will improve anyway, but it is all too common for people with issues to just expect everyone else to pander to them all the time. It doesn;t help either of you to let him insist that you restrict your life because of his irrational fears. You may be married to him but you are not property and that is not negotiable.
Best of luck, but whatever you do don't allow this man any space to increase his controlling behaviour, he needs to get over it, not have it fed.

bozza - he would be fine with that because i would be doing it alone. Sometimes I just dont understand his logic tbh.

I know alot of mum that go on nights out every week, now to be fair i have gone out alot more since meeting my new friends but even then thts only 3 times in the last year and the whole time we ahve been together. But I dont go out everyweek. When i do go out my friends DH always drives me home so hes not worried about me getting cabs on my own. I do have a drink and a dance but I know when I have had enough and usually drink water from 11pm onwards. He's got it into his head Im upto all sorts. Ive never cheated on him or given him reason to think I would.

Sometimes I get angry about the way he is, other times i feel bad for him. I know I shouldnt I am greatful hes getting help. I am also upset that Im gonna miss this months night out. But if i change my mind and say Im going now he will say "see it always happens you say your not gonna go and i say you will end up going and you do"

Maybe I should go and face up to it afterwards...

Maybe don't go this time, if you have said you aren't going but in future I would not say you are not going? Does DH bring DS with him to collect you? That might work with a baby but is not going to be great dragging a 2/3/4 yo out in the night, is it?

no my friends DH brings me home. So he doesnt need to come out and get me I wouldnt dream of dragging the kids out tbh... so he gets to stay home on his own once kids are in bed and do as he pleases...

Go ahead and go. His attempts to stop you having a social life are not reasonable and shouldn't be given into. It's hard enough living with someone who has depressive issues without allowing them to make you miserable to. (and before anyone jumps in, I would be just as keen to defend the right of men to go out sometimes when they have partners who are depressed and/or antisocial. Trying to stop a partner going out at all is unreasonable and selfish behaviour - everyone needs a certain amount of fun time and adult company.)

Hmmm... whilst I am in complete agreement with the thrust of madamez's argument, I would say that as you have already said this time you're not going, don't go. Going back on your word is just going to create another row and he will feel justified in his mistrust of you, however screwy that may be.

However, make it plain, in no uncertain terms, that you are entitled to a social life and you WILL be going on the next one, and he will have to deal with it.

Then ring up your mates and arrange it for some time VERY SOON - doesn't have to be the big night out, could be just a quick drink/cinema/whatever, but do it!!

Good luck

agree with lovecat.

We are getting somewhere, I woke up at half 10 this morning and hes took the boys out shopping!!!!!!!!!!!