How to explain separating to very young children

[OneForTheRoadThen]

They're 3 (just) and 5 (just). It's an amicable split and their dad will be living just down the road. The 5 year old is still a little young for his age, he's always been behind milestones, and I'm not sure how much he'd understand.

My parents divorced when I was 8 and I remember a girl at school telling me it was because my dad didn't love my mum anymore and it absolutely crushed me. My parents had told me my dad was moving away for work. I'm not sure whether to tell say anything about 'love' at all. I'm finding this whole process so difficult to navigate.

My youngest was 5. We sat them down and said that mummy and daddy were friends but didn't love each other enough to live together anymore. We loved them both lots and you will see daddy lots. But he will live in a different house.

My ex was seeing someone else it broke me. But for this conversation we put on a united front. Lots of reassurance. Hope it goes ok for you all.

Thank you. How did they take it? I'm so worried about damaging them.

I think using the basic truth if why you are separating is always a good start & something you can build in over the years without then needing to change the story.

Why are you actually splitting up?

Mine were 5 and 3 (just). I told them that sometimes grownups stopped loving each other but that we still loved them. They didn't seem bothered at the time and don't remember it anymore.

Their dad introduced them to his gf less than 6 weeks later

Do they have other friends whose parents live separately? I’d do similar to those above but also give examples of real life people. So say something like “ you know how John lives with his mummy during the week and then lives with his daddy on the weekend” or whatever.

Any damage to the kids won’t arise from how you tell them initially, it will be from how you both behave and speak about each other over the years ahead. it’s great that you are amicable, that’s going to be a great thing for your kids I hope you both work really hard to keep it that way, pick your battles and continue to communicate well

@onefortheroadthen dd was 5 when her dad and I told her we were splitting up. We told her that we still loved each other as friends but not as a mummy and daddy should love each other to stay together.

I moved out of the family home and we moved into my parents empty house. She doesn't stay overnight at her dad's for various reasons but she has adjusted well. That isn't to say there hasn't been some rough times and some hurdles to overcome and your kids will have the same. However if you allow them the open forum to talk about it all they will be fine.

Her dad and I are friends (mostly) and we work well as Co parents most of the time. We have have got to a point where we can spend Christmas Eve together for her, birthdays together, where we can have days out and still share family time. That has helped her to adjust.

His exw and him never dis this with his older 2 and it shows. They are jot so adjusted, they are insular and frightened to tell their dm a thing about how they feel. On the other hand they still come to my house, they walk I and raid the fridge even though their dad and I are no longer together.

We have our issues but we are still a happily dysfunctional family despite separation.

Dd is 8, dsd is now 16 (she was 6 when her dad and I told her we were together) dss is 18 (he was 8) we have been a family for longer than not in their eyes and together or not we are all family. Dp doesn't get it but he makes a reserved effort to participate occasionally and dd loves him for being friends (he's a great actor) with her daddy

It can work and the fact you are here asking for advice shows what an amazing mum you are

My youngest adapted fine. Ex moved in with ow. My eldest went for about six months but for other reasons hasn't seen him really since.

They will be ok if you show them you are ok. And they won't remember you being together. My dad left when I was 5. I have no memories of my parents together.

We talked about the type of love needed for marriage wasn't there any more, but the enduring unconditional love we have for them was never going anywhere. As someone said above, a basic truth is probably best and will help you navigate questions and stories that come from their friends. My DD has friends who's parents are very acrimonious so I've discussed with her that this is not the case with us etc.

And absolutely no hints about what's really gone on. I talk my ex up to the kids, respect his time with the kids etc and do what I can to not undermine him. He makes this easy for me by doing the same and he's really stepped up to the plate, for which I know I'm fortunate.