Grandparents In or out

Idowonder · 2021-04-17T23:08:08+00:00

Since being young my parents have treated me differently to my sister, meeting her needs and making sure she's always 'ok', using most of their energy on her. Now that I have children the same is happening. My sister lived away, whilst she did my parents spent a lot of time with my kids, she moved back and they're nowhere to be seen. Visits at random, unannounced once a week at best for an hour or so. They will actively spend entire days 2 or 3 days a week with my sister's children and constantly help out. We have let them know how we feel and have been told to 'go away and think how it can be sorted'? The issue is, it's not for us to sort and they won't acknowledge even with evidence that they hardly bother at all. I feel like cutting them out completely instead of the dipping in and out we have when it suits them. There are a lot more occasions where they have let us down last minute in favour of my sister, but I I'd be here all day! Would you cut them out or keep the frustrating scenario running? My kids are very switched on and question often why they see their grandparents so much less now.

Happycat1212 · 18/04/2021 01:19

Once a week visits sounds a lot for grandparents, I can’t remember the last time I saw my mum, maybe a month ago 😕 and she lives 20 mins away.

Original poster

Idowonder · 18/04/2021 08:05

It is generally once every two weeks for an hour. Added to that, they spend at least two days per week (full days) with their other grandchildren who live 15 minutes further away.

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Holly60 · 19/04/2021 17:00

How close are you to your sister? Are you able to talk to her about this?

altlife · 19/04/2021 17:02

Been here. Expressed our feelings. Got told we were lying / imagining / making it up etc.

Visits would be every week or more for a month or two, then nothing for 6 months minimum!

I spoke to DH and said it isn't fair to DS that they jump in and out of his life. He eventually saw this for himself. That (plus a lot more) led to us going NC to see if they would make any sort of effort. Nothing changed and we haven't looked back.

Original poster

Idowonder · 21/04/2021 20:23

@Holly60

How close are you to your sister? Are you able to talk to her about this?

Not very. There was a wedge in between us both as we grew up, which I think was purposeful by the mother. We have tried to talk with her and she has made excuses for them equally. My guess is, it suits her as she is set to lose if they spend more time with our children (childcare and money)

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Original poster

Idowonder · 21/04/2021 20:25

@altlife

Been here. Expressed our feelings. Got told we were lying / imagining / making it up etc.

Visits would be every week or more for a month or two, then nothing for 6 months minimum!

I spoke to DH and said it isn't fair to DS that they jump in and out of his life. He eventually saw this for himself. That (plus a lot more) led to us going NC to see if they would make any sort of effort. Nothing changed and we haven't looked back.

The difficulty is, they will expect to be involved at random for birthdays and will always bring gifts when they do sometimes show up. They next to never arrange visiting, they will just show up and say 'oh you were out' and when they do show up it is mostly as the kids are just about to eat or just before their bed time. I think they do this, so they can shorten the stay.

We have sat down and talked with them, last time I spoke with them I was told to come back to them and tell them what we can do to resolve? They know exactly the issue, but seem to want for me to repeat myself for years on end.

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Guavafish · 21/04/2021 21:41

I would leave it .. once or twice a week for a hour is a lot. How old are your children and your sisters kids? Do you live close? Are you close to your sister?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/04/2021 22:10

Do you think your children notice or even know that they see their GP less than their cousins do? Do they get much out of seeing their GP? The only thing I can think of to do is accept it, draw up a schedule, or pull away. There isnt anything that you can do to change their behaviour if they are not acknowledging or wanting to talk about it. You could try being proactive and asking if they want to see your children on x days at y times but if they say no or yes then change arrangements you will have to re think.

If they are a positive part of your childrens lives and if you can distance yourself emotionally then I would not expect anything of them, not tell your children when they are seeing them, and treat any visit as a bonus

Original poster

Idowonder · 22/04/2021 12:52

@Guavafish

I would leave it .. once or twice a week for a hour is a lot. How old are your children and your sisters kids? Do you live close? Are you close to your sister?

It's much less than once or twice a week, it's probably an hour or so every 10 days at best. We live close yes, closer than my sister. They visit my sisters children 2-3 times minimum a week for hours on end. Not particularly close to my sister (but get along in the main).

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GrumpyHoonMain · 22/04/2021 12:55

I wouldn’t let them in if it isn’t convenient for you. A few times left at the doorstep will give them a bit more consideration for your schedule.

pigglepot · 22/04/2021 12:57

I feel like there is something missing from this story. It seems quite one sided sorry OP. Is there a reason your sister would need more support? Does she work more or struggle with mental health or something? Does she have a better relationship with your parents because of the hostility that's between you and your parents? Your resentment and anger comes across in your post. Have you tried inviting them over more often and/or asking them to do a day looking after your children? Some people won't ever be the ones to take the initiative on contact so perhaps they feel they aren't welcome anymore than they already spend with you?

Original poster

Idowonder · 22/04/2021 12:58

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Do you think your children notice or even know that they see their GP less than their cousins do? Do they get much out of seeing their GP? The only thing I can think of to do is accept it, draw up a schedule, or pull away. There isnt anything that you can do to change their behaviour if they are not acknowledging or wanting to talk about it. You could try being proactive and asking if they want to see your children on x days at y times but if they say no or yes then change arrangements you will have to re think.

If they are a positive part of your childrens lives and if you can distance yourself emotionally then I would not expect anything of them, not tell your children when they are seeing them, and treat any visit as a bonus

Yes, they do notice unfortunately. That's not from our mentioning either, the eldest is very switched on. As an example, if we call to speak with them they will often hear their cousins shouting in the background etc. Or their cousins will mention seeing their grandparents etc. They are good grandparents when they bother, but the dipping in and out when it suits and treating/seeing their other grandchildren roughly 95% more (not exaggerating) than our children is unfair on them. Until my sister moved back from living abroad they spent a lot of time with our children and ourselves, as soon as she returned it was like radio silence (which we knew would happen).

The issue is, they will just turn up. I have told them now that we are no longer interested and they have done the whole 'ok we're wrong, yup rubbish grandparents etc' as a guilt trip instead of actually acknowledging anything we say.

An example of favouritism would be, a couple of years ago we have invited everyone over for Christmas. It was all planned until my sister decided she wanted two of her friends that the family did not know to come over for Christmas. They then decided that it would be best to host Christmas at my parents as we were not particularly keen on having them here during our Christmas period with family. My mother did not inform us that they had changed plans, we only found out through my sister. Cut a long story short, the guests never even turned up! I would not have minded too much, but we had spent time and effort getting everything ready and pre-ordering food!

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Original poster

Idowonder · 22/04/2021 16:02

@pigglepot

I feel like there is something missing from this story. It seems quite one sided sorry OP. Is there a reason your sister would need more support? Does she work more or struggle with mental health or something? Does she have a better relationship with your parents because of the hostility that's between you and your parents? Your resentment and anger comes across in your post. Have you tried inviting them over more often and/or asking them to do a day looking after your children? Some people won't ever be the ones to take the initiative on contact so perhaps they feel they aren't welcome anymore than they already spend with you?

No additional support needed, it was the same when growing up. My sister would often be away, when she returned they would make excuses for any sort of behaviour and simply said 'I don't want to have to tell her off when she returns' (making noise all hours of the night when others had to get up for work in the morning etc). With regards to a relationship with my parents, she definitely does have a better relationship yes, but only when she is back in the country, otherwise my parents could not be more helpful. As soon as she returns (which is for good now and has been for a few years) it all changes, for myself, wife and my kids.

I do not really resent them, I just think they are completely blind to how they are or admitting it means they have to make changes they do not want to make.

We did have a mutual back and forth relationship with contact, again when my sister returned we would either get a reply days later, no reply at all or be told 'I will let you know'. Basically, they would wait to see what my sisters plans were and then fit us in if she was not free.

I myself am not bothered if they see me, I'm passed it completely. But, for my kids who absolutely adore them I find it difficult to accept.

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