DH walked out on me and our DC 3 weeks ago. I’d begun standing up to his escalating financial and verbal abuse and after about 6 weeks of arguments he just calmly announced he was leaving for a while.
He said it was so I would see sense (and I presume stop me calling out his bullying behaviour).
He is 100% sure he’s the wronged party here. He has barely contributed financially to our household for over a year, justifying not working much because he was a stay at home dad for many years when the kids were small. But now childcare is shared and he has a modest income which, since covid began he decided to spend entirely on himself.
I asked dozens of times to stop the spending, slow down, put some aside, use some to do the house up or keep for future holidays... he said he wasn’t sorry, it was none of my business and I was just being a nag.
He stopped spending right before he left. He has sent money for our bills (at last) and respected me wishes to stay away for the time being.
I’ve been in touch with women’s aid and a solicitor. WA say he’s abusive. Solicitor said to take my time and not be pressured into reconciliation OR divorce, just coast for a while.
I had been getting counselling for anxiety and low self-confidence last year and as a result became less passive and had gradually been challenging him more and more to get work, be kinder to me and the DC (he could be really grumpy and aggressive, and generally very negative).
I asked him repeatedly to stop hiding money from me, not shout in front of the kids etc. He has no self-awareness.
Eventually, the arguments were getting really awful. I ended up in hospital last month after collapsing with the stress of it all. He seemed indifferent about my health, inconvenienced even.
He used to be a really lovely, caring, generous and sweet person. I think I make him very unhappy and he feels unappreciated.
He has been my best friend for two decades and I’ve supported him before when he had some mental health issues including obsessive spending which he refuses to get help for (when he’s not denying they exist altogether).
That’s the back drop.
He pulled out the joker card and walked out on us suddenly leaving me with devastated children. He has seen them a few times since, showered them with small gifts and told them he left to save us all from the arguments (which were my fault of course) and it’s up to me now whether he comes back.
We’ve met once and I told him we need counselling, he needs to see how unreasonable and abusive he has been. He denied it all. Treats me like a hysterical woman.
Since he’s been gone the DC are obviously extremely shocked. I felt numb. Then angry. Then determined to find the strength to initiate formal separation, but over the last few days I can’t stop crying and trying to convince myself with professional help he could change.
I don’t want my DC to lose our family unit. I don’t want to let go of hope that he could sort himself out and I’d get my lovely DH back. I don’t want to let go.
I’ve considered putting up with things for a few more years until youngest leaves school. It can’t be as hard as this grief and pain and the DC tears and questions.
I’ve poured half my life into this man. I’ve supported him in every way possible and now he’s denying things he said and did, turning tables on me and manipulating our DC who are stuck in the middle and terrified we divorce.
Initial RL support is fading already. They are sympathetic but don’t seem to have any advice (most are married.. and my divorced friends are all single and struggling to find love again).
I am meeting DH again in a few days and he seems to think he’s coming back (keeps telling the DC “we will see what your mum says”).
Was walking out a tactic to shock and emotionally blackmail me into submission? Can someone gaslight and not know they’re doing it?
Maybe I’m over-thinking and he doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing.
WHY am I considering reconciliation?
I don’t understand myself anymore. I’m more peaceful and happier without the real him here - but I’m also desperately lonely and don’t know how I raise DCs on my own. I don’t want to be on my own.
Please help. I’m scared I will crumble when I see him and he wants to come home and the kids want him home.
I feel detached from the reality of this marriage. I feel institutionalised. Is there any hope for me? Is there life after separation? 