At what point did you realise that you had become a possession and no longer a person?

[Notatoastie]

Wondering at what point others have felt like this? It dawned on me when I realised that I had never met one of DHs best friends that he saw regularly because he kept me so separate. It also dawned on me when I felt like crying everyday he came home from work and talked at me about his day for what felt like forever, but started yawning when I started to share mine, when I'd been at home with a very grizzly baby all day. Then it dawned on me when he started complaining about meals I cooked for him and assumed I'd take care of the DCs every weekend so that he could go to12 hour sporting events. And mostly, when he did all of this and stopped spending any time with me at all romantically. I felt completely alone.

I have now moved out of the family home and am in the early stages of rebuilding my life.

How about you?

But, OP, how did you marry him and have a baby with this man without noticing you were being ghettoised to this extent? Most of the time meeting all his people is a key stage in the early part of a relationship.

Here we go...

You don't get to meet their "people" when you meet and get married in another part of the world, before returning to his hometown @hareisland.

There are many variables for many circumstances.

You poor thing @Notatoastie. That must have been very hard to come to terms with. And it must have taken a lot of courage to change the situation.

@HareIsland how is blaming the OP helping?

They never start with the crappiest behaviour @hareisland and women are encouraged to ignore their doubts.

Very early on sadly

But I tried to escape many times and he came after me

It's awful and we stay in the hope it will get better

@Notatoastie

Funny that was your first reply as I read your op and thought how much awareness than me you had during your relationship!!

I think childhood abuse had me conditioned to accept poor treatment. I didn't analyse my situation until I'd left it!

Very similar experiences here @Notatoastie! Except that my exh didn't really have any friends per se, because he wasn't a very social or nice person (as I realised in the end).

I too am happily free now and it is wonderful. My dc are also far happier.

I wish you luck

@Notatoastie

Here we go...

You don't get to meet their "people" when you meet and get married in another part of the world, before returning to his hometown @hareisland.

There are many variables for many circumstances.

Okay.

Good luck with rebuilding your life.

Far far too long. The occasional live bombing and frequent gas lighting left me sure that I was mad/ wrong/ needy / silly. One day when he called me silly, he said "oh ffs! Stop being so silly! I'm done with your silliness!" And I apologised. I heard myself apologise. Almost outer body. And I knew that I wasn't human to him and my problems were nothing more than silly. Irksome. Not real problems. A fly buzzing on his ear.

My silliness? It was our sons birthday. Or alternatively the anniversary of his death (stillborn) I was sad and my "whining" was pissing him off.

Love bombing of course

It took me 12 years for the 'light bulb' moment.
It was quite refreshing after all those years trying to figure out what's wrong and doing all I can to make him happy.
It took me further 6 years to finally make a decision to leave as it was getting even worse.The crucial moment when his mother came to visit after our 3 DS was born and I have noticed how much of mommy's boy he is and both of them where very disrespectful towards me.I tried to keep it civil until shortly before the split but it opened my eyes to so many things.Those years before the separation I was studying lots of psychology and hey,everything was clear.I was living with narcissist.It helped enormously,I wasn't scared of him anymore and stopped blaming myself,just patiently waiting for an opportunity to leave and be free.The mental toll is horrendous but one thing I am so grateful for is I am still alive.

I think if I am honest about 3/4 years ago . Married kids. He was my best friend but something changed and I became his (in my eyes )a nannie/maid .
Fast forward to today I told him I was leaving him. It may take 6months to leave the home but I am going .
I am a person that deserves respect and love .
New beginnings please god.

Good luck @rainandspirit its soul destroying when you come to realise that to them, you are nothing more than a live-in Nannie and Maid.
I tried explaining this to my exH but he couldn't get his head around it because he "cleans the house too." He couldn't understand that it had nothing to do with any of that and more to do with a lack of any love, affection, time, interest, loyalty from him which had made me feel this way.

Hareisland - why is your first response to put the responsibility squarely on the OP? How fucking bizarre,.

OP he sounds like a very selfish man who wanted an employee not a wife.

I really feel for you. It's awful and even more upsetting when they can't see the damage they are causing. It's very lonely.

If I spoke about my life outside the house, he would complain I was 'going on' so I stopped talking about it or my illness. I only spoke when I was spoken to in a desperate attempt to keep the peace. If I did speak I would speak really quickly because if I took too long he would just walk off. I was silenced and just waited for him to tell me what I had to do, get in the fucking car, get me a drink, do my dishes etc. I was very weak and let him decide everything, what I wore to bed, when we went to sleep, what we ate, when we got up etc. I had no sense of self left at all, no opinion that mattered and no choices to make.

@Colourmeclear that sounds like terrible abuse... you got out didn't you? It's amazing you manqged to... well done.

Thank you for your kind words. I sometimes wonder if it was that bad. I did leave because I knew my self esteem was never going to get better with someone who didn't understand the impact they had on it. I have since met someone so caring and compassionate but some days feel I'm back in time. I hope your next relationship, they see your worth and don't take you for granted.