It’s over ... next steps

[whatstheworsethatcanhappen]

This morning, my partner and I agreed that we are going to split up. We’ve been together around 12years and have 2 children. And the decision was sort of driven by me but was mutual and at the moment I’m hopeful we can be quite amicable (fingers crossed). However OH was asking straight away where I was planning to live, what my plans were with children etc - all these things that although I’ve thought about briefly I really haven’t thought about in depth. He wants to put house on the market straight away even though there’s still a bit of work to do to it (which I think would help us get a better price). I just feel really stressed out now. I wanted the next step to be telling the kids (which we are doing tomorrow) and then take time to sort things out - finances etc whereas I think he just wants it all sorted straight away. Is this normal, should I be concerned he wants to sort everything out so quickly? Feeling really overwhelmed at the moment and worrying about money etc

Hey OP, I’m sorry you are going through this.

Don’t let him rush you, you both need to take time to make good decisions about the way ahead. It won’t hurt to take a few weeks to work things out.

You don’t mention how old your children are but it might be worth waiting to tell them about your split? At least till you have a plan for the house, where you will live and how custody will be shared? If you and your partner can put on a united front till then, and be amicable, they might benefit from only being told when you have some answers to give them about the future. Just a thought.

Good luck and stay strong OP. Keep posting for support if you need it 💐

@Treetops73 thanks for that. Kids are 10 & nearly 9. And although I’d like to tell them ASAP just so they don’t hear from someone else accidentally, I think they will want answers to certain questions and at the moment I’m not really sure, except the standard which will be they are both loved etc ...
I have said to OH that we need to agree what we are going to say. I’m really worried I’m going to get emotional with them, which I really don’t want to do!

I would suggest that you find out how much equity you have in your house . Are you going to be the main carer or are you going to split 50/50 ? It may well be that you will be able to keep the house on to home your children . I would suggest that his a bit peeved by this hence his quick questions about this . You would think his number one priority would be that his children have a home /are able to stay in their home .

There needs to be some sort of plan moving forward. And this will help you all know what it is going to poss look like further ahead. Can you or he afford the house and buy the other one out? Or will one of you be renting etc. What are you thought about the children going 50/50.

Telling the children. Keep it simple. Mum and dad are friends but don't love each other enough to live together anymore. We both love you and you will see us both lots. I was broken when ex told me he was leaving. And I cried when
Bouncer died in neighbours. But when we told the children I dug deep. I knew if I kept it together they would know we were all going to be ok. They may ask questions about where they are going to live etc. So it might be a good ideA that you have some sort of outline about how it is going to look. So for me. I stayed in the house. The children live here and will see daddy whenever they want but will stay over eow. Etc.

Good luck.

Yeh that all makes sense to me. Neither of us can afford to stay in house, not sure how we will split equity as our first house was my first but his second and he put in a hefty deposit so I’m not after 50/50 but have said I will need a fair amount to be able to afford to buy next property. I’m self employed so abit worried about my income and managing money properly on my own. He wants to have kids as much as possible but I said that’s not realistic as he leaves for work at 6am. I said we can alternate weekends and he can have them after school a couple of days a week if he likes (this would help me with working) and I’m not trying to keep kids away from him - he’s a good Dad, just shit partner.
I have to stay in the house at the moment as I don’t have family local and I have dogs and cats, so can’t rent. He said he can’t afford to rent and pay mortgage, which is true. We currently live in a large house so I don’t see any issues with one of us moving in to the spare room while we sort things out but he does have the option to move in with his parents who are local.
I feel like my options are very limited.
Will get estate agents out this week so we can find out how much house is worth. Thinking I need to speak to Mortgage Advisor too so I can see what I can afford and what money I need from house sale. God it’s awful! Wouldn’t wish this on anyone!

Good advice from @unicornsarereal72 about how to tell your children.

I know it feels really overwhelming @whatstheworsethatcanhappen, but the sooner you can get advice from a solicitor, estate agent and mortgage advisor, the sooner you will start to see a way ahead. I know from my own divorce that I felt a lot better when I’d had advice - knowledge is power! It’s reassuring to be able to start making plans the future and know what your options are.

It sounds like things with your OH are amicable and you can talk about things, which is great. Please make sure you take care of yourself, your emotions will naturally be all over the place at times but you will come through this and make a wonderful life for you and your children x

@Treetops73 thanks, you’re right, I need to get all the information together before I can make proper decisions. We aren’t married so I was going to avoid solicitor if I can. There’s no reason why I can’t look after myself and children, just need to stop worrying about the unknowns. Thanks

My ex and I were not married either but I got legal advice about the house. I had paid a deposit. Which ex agreed would remain mine. But he disputed the remaining share. as I worked part time. And he paid more into the the joint account. The solicitor said it was still 50/50. Regardless of who paid what. And the plans long term.

Get the house valued. Look at the entitled2 website and check to see if you are entitled to any benefits. Cms calculator for child support. And go through your bills. And cut anything that you can. 25% discount on council tax. Review mobile phone tv subscriptions and energy costs. Saving £10 here and there adds up do your sums and see how it looks moving forward.

Unfortunately ex is still on my mortgage. He has not paid child support for nearly three years so I haven't been able to save his share from the house and can't remortgage on my own until he has had three months child support to get the mortgage I need.

I’m in a very similar situation (in that we decided last night) and gave 2 little ones - although I am not sure how amicable things will be for us (obviously there has already been a lot of animosity and heart ache - otherwise we wouldn’t be here).

But I just need to know how to move forward too.

Sending you hugs - it’s a scary time xx

Having seen your later posts where you lay out your version of the next steps. I think you are being a bit hypocritical here. It’s not that he is pushing things on beyond the decision to split that is the problem. It’s that his next steps are different from yours.

Fundamentally he can leave if he wants and find his own place. He can also have his own opinion on how often he has his children. If that’s what he wants then you need to deal with the money. And you are going to find that there isn’t enough to keep things the same for both of you.

Your lives are going to change and you both need to plan to be single parents. For him that might mean working different hours to take the children to school or pay someone to do it. For you it might mean a much smaller home.

It’s not clear if you are married. Even if you were don’t read too much into advice that you can stay in the big house whilst he kicks his heels and pays for it. You work and the children are pre teens. A clean break is the most likely outcome.

I think you really need a plan before telling the kids then you’ll feel a bit more in control of the future which will make the conversation easier. If you’re ok and in control they will be ok. Kids are happy if their mum is happy (or at least ok iyswim).

@unicornsarereal72 sorry that you’ve had to go through a bit of a nightmare, and still ongoing by the sounds of things. Thanks for the tips though. I’m going to go through my finances this week and see what I cut back on now so I can try save a bit. Thanks

@LemonTT thanks for your thoughts, I wasn’t trying to criticise my partners opinion, just voicing my concerns. I have no issues about him having children as often as he wants. And I know that I need to sort myself out financially. It’s been a difficult 12 months financially as I’ve spent near 6 months homeschooling and reduced my work to accommodate this so I’m only just slowly building my work back up. I just had some concerns that I wanted a bit of moral support on.

@Lozzerbmc we told children today, we took one each and told them individually (we agreed what we would say). They were obviously a bit shocked and upset but thankfully okay now. They’ve been asking questions but on a hole they are sounding positive. Just want to make it as easy for them as possible. Have also emailed their teachers to ask them to keep an eye on them. Just hope the next few months go okay.

@SoontobeSinglemum sending you a hug too. I’m feeling better this evening after telling kids and having a relatively nice day together. Still lots of sadness about things. Need to get my head down in work tomorrow and just try and focus on one thing at a time. We’ve agreed that after we’ve had valuation we will both go to mortgage advisor to look at options. We live in quite an expensive area so I’m going to have to move out of area but try stay within 15mins drive hopefully.

Sounds like you have a plan going forward. Just take each day as it comes. And know that this time next year hopefully things will be settled and you are all in a good routine and happier place.