Withdrawing contact. Is it the right thing to do?

[BilboBercow]

I posted in relationships around a month ago for support with an issue where controlling and emotionally abusive ex partner had hacked my Google account, taken nudes from my phone and gone back through several years worth of emails.

The consensus at the time was to report him and he was given a warning. He since contacted me via Instagram and has made various threats about sharing images with my employer and getting me sacked. This led to him being charged and he's due in court next week.

He's also been messaging my daughter telling her I sent police to him, saying I'm trying to have him put in prison etc.

The terms of his bail mean he can't enter my street and I had been arranging contact for DD via his sister. On Thursday night he decided that wasn't good enough and turned up to collect DD. I didn't call police but DD decided she wanted to come home Friday morning as he's drinking alcohol in bed and not talking to anyone (he lives with parents). Withher home I called police and he's spending the weekend in the cells but will likely be out Monday.

My solicitor now thinks it's time to withdraw contact. I'll apply for a residency order and will discuss getting formal contact in place if he engages solicitor. I'm fairly confident he won't. I'm just worried I'm doing the wrong thing. DD really does love him and I hate that this will impact her so much. The problem is I'm genuinely frightened every time she goes away with him. He's unhinged and I am realising I have no idea what he's capable of.

Not sure what I'm looking for from this post. Any advice or alternative ideas would be welcome.

Sorry I'm posting on the ap so apologies for the text wall. I did put it into paragraphs

How old is your DD?

I'm not in that sort of situation and I'm sorry to here you are. I don't think you'd be unreasonable to stop your dd having contact with her father until he can prove he is no longer any threat to you or her. It might also be worth contracting the school to let them know that you are going through the process ( in case he turns up there )

She's almost 8

Does she really love him? Or is she scared of him?
She knew enough to want to come home when he was drinking and sulking.

Your solicitor gives good advice.
Nothing to feel bad about keeping dd away.

She does love him. I think she definitely was scared of him this weekend and that's happened once before and she asked to come home. He's never been violent or abusive towards her and she looks forward to seeing him at the weekend and talks about him a lot. I'm honestly just terrified that his behaviour is escalating. He's also pathologically controlling and I know that will extend to her at some point

As the adult you need to make the decision on her behalf. To keep her feeling safe. Even if she isn't in physical danger she may feel she is...

I think you need to get advice from your solicitor as it can go against the resident parent (unfairly in my opinion!) if they withdraw contact and there's no evidence that the NRP is a threat directly to the child. However, in these circumstances I would say offering supervised contact either via a contact centre or a 3rd party would be suitable. Maybe get your solicitor to write a letter to that effect, and then if he wants to argue it he can go through mediation and court. At which point you will seem reasonable as you haven't withdrawn all forms of contact if that makes sense.

Only you and your legal team know the right thing to do, but because of the issue with him drinking that's an alarm bell straight off for courts and cafcass. I have been in your position with the control aspect and drinking with my now (dead) ex and to be honest my daughter has never been happier, she is 8 now and used as a weapon in his disgusting games.

You can keep her safe by withdrawing contact, but facilitating occasional contact with her grandparents if she would like that. They can then be responsible for supervised contact with her dad.

He has already been emotionally abusive to her by sending her messages about police proceedings, he's neglected her while she's at his, and evidently his parents do not provide sufficient safeguards to be effective supervisors, or they would have intervened to stop him doing these things.

If he applies for contact then presumably you'd be ok with him meeting her at a supervised contact centre, where he wouldn't be able to guilt trip her about the police and wouldn't be able to bring alcohol?

You're not doing the wrong thing, you're protecting her best interests. She might love him and want to see him anyway but that is why almost 8 year olds don't make their own decisions - you'd have no difficulty telling her she can't have sweets for breakfast or see an 18 film even if she wanted to, and this is the same principle, just much trickier. Good luck.

Thank you all. Yes my fear regarding his family is that they enable him. They're well intentioned but ultimately won't stand up to him when he's wrong.

In all honesty I think if I withdraw contact and invite him to apply for contact legally he won't bother his backside.

Of course she loves him but all that means is children are hard-wired to love their parents. It doesn't mean he's safe or that it's right or in her best interests to see him.

How do you think I should best explain to DD that I'm stopping contact for now? I don't want to frighten her. I was thinking of saying her dad has been acting in a way that I don't feel is good for her and I think he needs some time to sort himself out?

Well he isn't well
. Keep it simple.. Explain he needs professional help and she doesn't need to be worried about him.. As soon as you know he is well again she can see him. Maybe suggest she keeps a diary to give him in the future of what she gets up to.

Daddy is sick (in the head but technically true) we need him to get better on his own for a bit

Block him off her phone or give her a new sim card so he cant send more messages

Maybe be something like:

Sometimes people don't behave in kind ways and do the wrong things, and that means they're not allowed after their children. Daddy is going through one of those times and so he needs to get some help before he can see you again. You can write him letters and draw him pictures and look at photos and talk about him whenever you want to.

You do definitely need to stop the direct phone contact between them.