Conversation-less relationship

[Annabellerina]

I'm in a new relationship. I'm very happy when I'm with him. Just got back from a few days away together and every moment felt perfect.

I just have this niggling feeling that there should be more conversation. We're both very (very!) quiet people. I have always been like this but most people talk so much that it goes unnoticed, even by myself. Others tend to monologue, ask questions, make conversation, make small talk etc and I engage and interact so it never feels like I'm too quiet. I'm never the one to start or carry a conversation though.

Now I seem to have finally met my match in quietness! This guy is exactly the same as me in that he doesn't seem to start conversations, he sometimes tells me his thoughts which then becomes a conversation, then we go quiet again until the next time one of us has something to say.

I think that most people find this kind of quietness unnerving. I find it peaceful and he must do too as we enjoy each other's company and can sometimes spend hours doing something like hiking without a single word being uttered.

Does this sound healthy? I know it's not normal as such and I know most people wouldn't like it. Are there other quiet people successfully having quiet relationships? What I wouldn't want is for us to get bored of each other or to be so under stimulated that we seek out others to connect with.

I think it's down to what works for you as a couple. If you're both very quiet people, the guessing is that neither of you would be happy in a relationship where the partner talks a lot. If you are both happy with each other, and enjoy being together, it's not important what others think.
If you've been away for a few days, and all other aspects are going ok with the relationship, then just carry on and be hapoy

Thank you @groovypeanut I thought that would be the advice. I'm just a little worried it will dry up. I've been in relationships before where the other person asked me questions about myself and we ended up with loads to talk about, conversation didn't run dry and there were quieter times and chattier times. So I wouldn't say I'd be unhappy with a more talkative partner.

Doesn’t sound unhealthy, just sounds slightly boring and lacklustre. But if it works for you then there’s no issue? Diff people need diff conversation levels

If you're both happy, not sure what the issue is? Hopefully you will talk about the serious things you actually need to discuss in life, but if neither of you are big on chit-chat, that's fine.

It sounds lovely to me.

If it hasn't been long since you have been in a relationship maybe its something that will build as your confidence and his grows around eachother? As you experience more together you will chat more? If you are happy that really is all that matters 😊

Why does you ask questions? Why don't start conversations?

I do ask questions when there's something I want to know and start conversations when there's something I want to talk about. It just doesn't happen very often. I'm happy in my own thoughts and he seems to be the same. I just wondered if I'm unusual and he's going to get bored or if we sound fairly normal for quiet people.

Being an extrovert is not the "normal" . Western society has just made it that way but there are just as many introverts and quiet people as extroverts. Ou should read the book "Quiet". In many other cultures, people who are quiet are seen as more thoughtful, trustworthy, and better leaders.

If it works for both of you then there's no problem whatsoever. Personally I find some people who natter about inane things all day long because they love he sound of their own voice, to be boring.

If it works for you then that's ok isn't it.

I enjoyed reading 'Quiet girl in a noisy world' - being quiet is just as fine as being chatty.

Just downloaded that book @beginningoftheend it's me to a T!

My ex used to criticise me for being quiet but I think it's a great thing to find someone with whom you can share companionable silence.

Personally I find endlessly talkative people exhausting so it's joyous to find someone to just 'be' with.

I loved the early days with my partner, we spent a lot of time just reading together, long nature walks and both said the peace we found in each other was wonderful. We're 5 years in now, some days we have lots of chats, others not many words pass between us, and it's great. I find being in the world really hard due to all the noise and interference, home and my partner, well they're my peaceful safe haven. Best of luck OP!

Being quiet is fine, but if that silence continues when serious issues or problems in the relationship occur that need to be addressed, there's going to be trouble ahead.

I think that it sounds lovely.
Me and DH were just like this at the start of our relationship but as the relationship grew so did the conversations.
50 years on and even after over a year of lockdown we can rabbit for England but are still happy to have quiet times.
Just relax and enjoy.

You're all making me feel much better about my quietness!

This sound awkward. Maybe with time you both become more relaxed.

Funnily enough one thing it's never felt is awkward! Right from the first date it felt comfortable and I warmed to him immediately.

Ah that sounds lovely! If it works for you and you're both happy with it (and you can have conversations about things when you want/need to) then all good.

My DH and I are both talkers generally, and after a year or so into our relationship we found we actually learned to enjoy silence and peace around each other when not surrounded with social pressure to be 'on' - I've always been jealous of people who are comfortable enough to just be and having that with DH has become one of my favourite things, it's helped me ignore the the pressure to talk as much in general life.

You're probably two highly introverted people and that's fine. The one thing I would say though is that it can take a lot longer to get to know someone properly if you're like this. You find out a lot about people by what they say - it can reveal a lot but that process might take longer for you because those conversations are not happening at the same speed.

In terms of any issues, decisions etc my partner and I communicate fine, mostly! Also, with getting to know each other we did so at a normal speed I would say, as in able to ask questions and discuss the important stuff, values, life goals etc. There is a big difference between communicating and mindless chatter, those of us who are quiet don't generally have issues with the former!

Could have written your post, OP!

BF and I, for our third date we went on a three day road trip. I remember, after a few hours of happily being driven by him, listening to the radio, saying nothing, I said to him, I’m so sorry I am so quiet, I hope that’s ok. He said, it’s fucking perfect, babe! Why disturb the lovely silence unless one of us has something really important to say? And I thought, Hell, Yeah! This one is worth hanging on to.....

And so we have gone on ever since! 9 months in now and I pretty much feel I have met my soul-mate.....

Don’t get me wrong, we do have times when we talk loads. But also spend massive swathes of time just saying fuck all, and it’s so relaxing and lovely!

28 years married and we still enjoy being quiet together.
DH has a friend who talks non stop. We are both exhausted when he leaves after spending a couple of hours in his company. I definitely couldn’t live with someone like that.

These are lovely stories of happily introverted relationships!