Growing up without a father?

[CandyFIosss]

Just wondering if you grew up without a father what's your feelings on this as an adult looking back? Does anyone have any experience of growing up without a father figure in their life at all, and has it affected you as an adult? I’m just worried my children will end up with “issues” and I hear a lot of the time the mum is blamed for the father being absent, If you grew up without a father do you feel it has affected your life negatively?

I think most parents give their kids some kind of issues, irrespective of whether they’re married, divorced or widowed. My issues might be very different from someone with a father or male role model but we’ve both still got them. Philip Larkin was spot on.

There are positives and negatives but, on the whole, I’ve had a better life and achieved more (and have been far safer, both physically and emotionally) without him in my life than I would have if he had been there.

I’m happy to answer any questions you have.

Thank you, I guess I’m worried about my daughters growing up with “daddy issues” feeling like they were abandoned and not wanted by their father and it affecting them in later life, also worried for my sons not having any male role models to look up to, everything I’ve read suggests that children with absent fathers have worse outcomes in life

Are you currently in a relationship with the father?

No father is absent, I’m not worried about split families just fathers that have zero involvement

Never had my father in my life (left when mum was 7 months pregnant) and not interested in any contact or paying any maintenance. I don't feel it's been an issue at all as you don't miss what you never had! If anyone ever asked what my father did when I was a child I'd just reply I don't have one & don't ever remember anyone prying further to be honest.

My father died when l was 7. I’ve keenly felt the loss all my life, it gets worse as l get older.

But death is different to divorce.

I’m not going to lie, it hasn’t always been easy to cope with, but much of that was because he was a violent sociopath, so there were other things going on. And with age came the understanding that it was his issue, not mine. And despite largely being brought up by me (my mum was ill) on a council estate and in absolute poverty, we’re all happily married or settled to lovely, decent people, we’re all in decent jobs, none of us have criminal records or were ever brought home by the police.

I think it all boils down to it being far better to have a completely absent father, rather than one who dips in and out, rejecting them at every turn, never being there for them and teaching them that this is how men show love, before they realise that he doesn’t love them, and they start to feel that that is their fault, rather than his. You can’t change him, or make him care about his children, so the only thing you can do is teach them that there is absolutely nothing with them and be mum AND dad. One good parent on their own can achieve an awful lot.

I grew up with a father and without a father. Doesn't make sense?

My dad lived in the house because it was cheaper than running two households for him. He kept largely to himself. He paid the mortgage and bills but nothing else towards our upkeep. On my youngest sister's 18th birthday he packed up his stuff and skipped off as he was no longer financially responsible for us. He then moved to the other side of the world.

Before he left I called and asked if he wanted to meet up and he said that he'd made other plans and was too busy. He made it very, very clear to us growing up that we were unwanted and he couldn't stand the sight of us.

Did I grow up without a father, after all, my dad lived in the same house as us. It was only when I saw how other fathers treated their children, that I realised what I'd missed because when I was growing up, I didn't know any better.

Like PP have said, one good and decent human being in a child's life is worth so much more than someone who treats their children with contempt.

My mum and dad split when I was just two. I just turned 27.
He was never really involved in my life despite being 25 mins away. If I visited on weekends it was to spend time with my younger brother but before that, I'd just stay with my gran. I never thought of myself as missing out, until I started experiencing abandonment issues around 16. Everyone always leaves. That's the thought I had with every person in my life before meeting my DP in 2020. I never felt like I belonged. I discussed this during counselling and discovered it did all stem back to my dad.
Despite feeling abandoned though I still craved love from him. He's always loved me he was just a shit dad.
I'm pregnant right now and although I had a miserable time dealing with issues because of him, I want my child to have his GF. He might be a much better grandfather. He better be. I won't hesitate to remove my baby from any hurt that can be avoided.

So yes, I did suffer from abandonment issues. But my mum loves me so much. She's done more for me than I could ever expect him to have attempted and failed miserably. I had a great one-parented childhood

Yes, abandonment issues have caused me a lifelong struggle with anxiety and depression. And a feeling of emptiness.

Thanks for sharing your experiences this is what I worry about and I always see adults saying no contact is better than inconsistent contact but is that really true? Is that what children would prefer? I don’t see how a child won’t feel abandoned or unwanted by someone who is suppose to love them unconditionally. Not being wanted by your own parent is bound to cause issues surely? I always see single parents saying their children are absolutely fine without their dad around but is that really true, or do people just tell themselves that, that’s why I wondered how people felt as adults looking back.

Never knew the man who should have been my father. Definitely dont feel like I missed out. Had an abundance of love from my family and now have a happy marriage and family life. His loss!

My son is in his 20's, the last time he saw his father he was a baby so he has no recollection of him. He has never had any wish to see his dad; he could have done in his teens but chose not to. He says he has absolutely no interest and doesn't feel as if he's missed out on anything. He told me as a teen that a lot of his friends dads were completely useless and he was glad he didn't have one. He's completely well rounded and never been any trouble at all.

Not really. I was quite a happy and well adjusted person. Only became an issue when he came back into my life at 19, letting him in is a big regret of mine and we are NC now.

My dad essentially killed himself when I was 1 and my mum never had a live in boyfriend/partner. I think probably the biggest effect is not really knowing how relationships between men and women should work, what's acceptable and what's not, because I've never seen it. Stuff like household roles, but then maybe that's good because I've always held boyfriends to quite a high standard around the home. Negatively I have poor boundaries and often allow myself to be treated badly by men because I don't want to be alone/abandoned. I think a lot of it depends on a) the sort of child you are and b) the circumstances around having an absent father. As an adult I now have a really strong relationship with my mum and have the utmost respect and admiration for her so maybe it would help you to look at it from the perspective of what can my children gain from only having their mother around rather than what might they lose from not having a father, because I guarantee you there will be many things.

My father was in the Forces, he would disappear off on Tour or camp for months at at time up to about 12 when he was posted locally.
So he was kinda present but absent at the same time, after 12 I had we had built a relationship with each other, it didn’t really work too well and we never really got on until he died

I always see adults saying no contact is better than inconsistent contact but is that really true? Is that what children would prefer?

Obviously it depends on the child but I preferred it. When I did see him, I was very aware that he was there under sufferance and had no interest. When contact stopped, it was a massive relief. There was no wondering whether he’d be nice if I saw him, or whether he’d even turn up. I knew for a fact that he wasn’t going to be there. There was no uncertainty and that was a million times better than the alternative.

It depends on the situation and the Person I think. My Father left when I was 6 weeks old after numerous affairs. I grew up with a Beautuful strong Mother and supportive Grandparents. My Mother was Our world as Children and We love Her so much. We know how much She did for Us and knew all We needed was Her.

My parents split when I was four. I saw my father at weekends till I was 12 and then stopped for various reasons (he was more concerned with his numerous girlfriends and was very selfish). I wish I'd had therapy back then as I ended up having poor boundaries where men were concerned and stayed in bad relationships far longer than I should have over the years.

I'm in a much better place now and very content with my life.

Personally I think feeling rejected repeatedly is worse than complete absence - it's the raising of hope "this time it'll be different" and then being let down again.

I had an abusive step-father until the age of 10 so no father would have been preferable. What I lacked was positive male role models who loved me unconditionally- I had no uncles and my Grandfather was old and died when I was 13. It did cause me a huge amount of issues and I struggled significantly with relationships until I had a lot of therapy when I was in my mid-twenties.
My husband is a wonderful father but if anything happened to him my children also have many uncles and other positive male role models which I would hope would fill that gap

Thanks for the comments, unfortunately there are no male role models around for them at all. And they haven’t escaped the whole in out in out father but I’ve decided to stop contact now until they are older and old enough to decide for themselves whether they want a relationship with him, I’m just having a wobble if an absent father is really better for children than a rubbish one.

I grew up without a father. Just mom and sisters. We learnt how to be resilient, we were capable and independent. I found lost of my friends would run to their fathers being helpless and couldn’t understand their mindset.

I don’t need a man - I have a husband, but I don’t rely on him, he’s here because I want him to be - if that makes sense?

I don’t think o suffered because mom would’ve been miserable if they stayed together, and we had so much more fun and freedom without him around.

I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I had an awful father and wished he wasn't in my life. I think children brought up kindly and with love by their mum alone, can thrive much more than when there is a crap father in and out of the picture, being inconsistent and frequently letting the children down. But every child is different. I imagine there is research into this.

I also think the family stories the child grows up with probably make a difference to how the child feels about themself. So if a child can understand that their father was ill or damaged and unable to look after them, rather than they didn't care, maybe makes a difference.

My mum left my father before I was born and I never knew him. I had a very happy childhood despite always ducking away from people who got close and were likely to ask about him.
I think the NC made my life simpler and have had many happy relationships. Just give the kids something to say if anyone should ask where he is. I never knew what to say so just ducked the issue! You just need a set spiel should anyone ask and trust your own intuition. Its HIS LOSS not theirs. Xxx