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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I crazy

19 replies

Theblacksheepandme · 17/04/2021 11:55

I had an argument with my husband. He is going to work at the office as his work is essential and he gets my daughter ready for school in the mornings. Not much to get ready as she's old enough to do things herself. He gets her lunch ready every morning and takes stuff out for breakfast. He came back to the house after dropping her to the bus. I came down and he told me she got up 15 minutes late. I told him she would have had very little time to get ready and did he not call her when he noticed she slept in. He said he was in the shower. I said if you're in the shower I can make sure she gets up at the time she should if she sleeps in. She is normally very good to get up but sometimes does sleep through her alarm.

After a little while of talking it transpired that he had been out of the shower and could have called her. I got cross as he has a habit of telling lies. He told me to fuck off in a really angry manner. I asked if he though this was an acceptable way to speak to me and he said yes as I called him a liar.

I tried to discuss this further but he didn't speak to me until the following day and then acted sheepish and was just speaking to me as normal. Not discussing the previous day. When I did discuss this he said I was the one looking for an argument and not him. I sometimes feel like I am going crazy by his behaviour. Sorry for long thread, it is my first time posting so please be kind.

OP posts:

imalmostthere · 17/04/2021 12:01

I'd have told you to F off if you started ranting at me for a 15 minute delay when I'd done everything else.

Opentooffers · 17/04/2021 12:14

You could of quit while he was being sheepish and were ahead, but brought it up again for some reason. I guess it depends what you were doing that meant you couldn't help at the time and how old your daughter is. He probably expected that you'd give some empathy about him being irritated that she slept in, rather than blame. I'm not good in the mornings, could he be at his grumpiest then,hence telling you to FO - extreme language?
It's not a big deal overall, so best not to rehash the blame, though fair to bring up his unnecessary rebuke.

Original poster

Theblacksheepandme · 17/04/2021 12:19

He can be quite abusive in the way he speaks to me.

I have told him numerous times that I will do it but he has told me as he has to get up for work there is no point in the two of us being up. My work starts later.

OP posts:

Lovelydiscusfish · 17/04/2021 12:52

I don’t mean to be horrible, but for me personally your behaviour would have been annoying and controlling. And if you had then gone on to call me a liar I might well have told you to fuck off. But me and my partner swear a lot and do sometimes tell each other to fuck off - not out of outright rage, but either jokingly or occasionally in frustration/exasperation. I’d find it much less offensive to be told to fuck off than to be called a liar, personally.

I realise though it’s contextual. If you hate swearing and find this sort of language intimidating, as I know some people do, then that’s different and he shouldn’t have used it, even if you WERE grinding his gears.....

Original poster

Theblacksheepandme · 17/04/2021 13:19

I can honestly say I was not grinding his gears. I swear like a trooper so swearing is not a problem but it is the anger he has towards me I find upsetting. I was not ranting or giving out until I found out he lied to me. I absolutely hate lies and he has a history.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 17/04/2021 13:28

He should not have spoken to you that way. But you were in the wrong.
You acted quite controlling in what you were telling him and as it appears - wouldn’t let go. And if it’s not that first time - he reacted to that.

As mornings are his responsibility - it’s not up to you to check if he has done it the way you want it. And it’s not right to interrogate him or catch him out. Your daughter and him can figure out how to get ready/to school on time, and if help is needed they’d ask you.
Don’t treat him as an incompetent child - it is highly annoying.

Sooobored · 17/04/2021 13:31

If you were in bed while he was doing all that I think you are probably out of order.

Pebbledashery · 17/04/2021 13:31

He shouldn't have spoken to you in an aggressive manner... But you don't help yourself. Your husband has got up and done everything and you've questioned him in a controlling manner. I think you're both annoying and could do with learning how to treat people.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/04/2021 13:33

If she got to the bus stop on time, I don't get why the routine you would stick to is any better than his.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/04/2021 13:37

I hate liars Id have dumped him if he made a habit of it. Im Sure you do lots of other things and why shouldn't he parent his own child properly? Everyone on here is always saying men should parent there own children without someone else having to step in to make sure they aren't messing it up.

Meggymoo777 · 17/04/2021 13:39

Honestly, I'd have told you to fuck off as well. He's done everything to get himself and his daughter ready and get her to the bus on time... what exactly is the problem? Everyone is entitled to a delay in the mornings every now and again, can't count the number of times me/my DS have slept in, if I'd had someone giving me a hard time on top of the rushing to get ready they'd have rightly been told to fuck themselves.

Fireflygal · 17/04/2021 14:02

I did discuss this he said I was the one looking for an argument and not him

I think he is right, he probadly told a white lie to avoid a confrontation with you. Had he said she slept in and he didn't wake her I suspect you would have got cross. If he walks on eggshells waiting for you to criticise/blame him then he will tell white lies to avoid the confrontation.

You should analyse why you feel the need to criticise when there really isn't an issue. Your daughter got to school on time.

When this happened "I came down and he told me she got up 15 minutes late". This is when you needed to say ,"great, that she got to the bus stop on time". End of conversation, no need for a postmortem as it is controlling.

It's extremely hard to live with someone who asks you to justify their actions, which is what he is having to live with.

I think he is standing up for himself and you should apologise.

Dery · 17/04/2021 14:08

I’m with PP - I’d be really fed up if I’d done the morning routine and then got told off for something which happened during it while my H slept in.

Sargass0 · 17/04/2021 14:20

Why are you so desperate to have some kind of victim status?

Original poster

Theblacksheepandme · 17/04/2021 14:43

Why are you so desperate to have some kind of victim status?
I think what Sargass0 has said is cruel considering they don't know what I have been through in my life. Unfortunately I have been a victim of sexual abuse and I am certainly not desperate to have been a victim or one now.

I have taken all of what you have said on board and do realise I was being unreasonable. I have since your advice apologised and feel we need to go to marriage counselling for issues we both have. I can be a pain in the arse but he has put me through a lot in our relationship. Neither of us are perfect but I do care about him and if it comes across as I am controlling I will have to try to fix that.

OP posts:

imalmostthere · 17/04/2021 15:00

I have been a victim of sexual abuse also op, and I do mean this kindly - but that doesn't actually have anything to do with how you treated your DH in this scenario. Maybe seek therapy for yourself away from Dh as you have come across as controlling in this post.

Sargass0 · 17/04/2021 15:05

Theblacksheepandme

I wasn't being cruel- it was a genuine question as you seem to be "the victim" in this scenario without any apparent foundation for that, so was wondering what the actual dynamic was to make you feel this way.
Truly sorry for what you have been through - and you now seem to have realised that your relationship dynamic is unhealthy- regardless. But you may also have a part to play in this - rather than being the powerless one. That was all

Original poster

Theblacksheepandme · 17/04/2021 15:47

imalmostthere

I was replying to Sargass0 and was not making my abuse anything to do with what happened with my husband. Accusing me of desperately seeking victim status is not constructive advice which is what I was looking for.

OP posts:

Lovelydiscusfish · 18/04/2021 07:27

@Theblacksheepandme

Well, I don’t mean this unkindly but you obviously were grinding his gears, even if you didn’t mean to be, because he told you to fuck off. He shouldn’t have spoken to you with massive aggression tho. I hate being shouted at and it would upset me too. But people do snap sometimes under pressure, myself included.

Also agree with PP’s that you need to work out why it even matters to you what time she got up, given that she made it to the bus on time.

And you talk about him “lying” - it’s not really much of a lie is it? In this case (maybe he has told proper lies in the past). I would very likely make shit up if I felt I was being interrogated about the minutiae of my morning routine.....

Anyway, it’s great that you have spoken to him, and if you do decide to seek counselling I really hope that helps you. Good luck. X

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