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Relationships

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Original poster

Calling him out tonight..

20 replies

pinkpixie83 · 17/04/2021 10:24

Been dating 2 months now, and tonight I'm asking what he sees in it.

I have no need to label it yet, but I do need to know whether we are dating or he's put me in that friend with benefits box.

It stems from last Saturday where I mentioned wanting to book to go out around my birthday to eat, working round kids etc. He was vague... I don't feel it's too much to ask.

I'm expecting to be told whatever it is , is now over. But still I don't think what I asked was unreasonable.

The joys of the dating merry go round. I'm not sure how much energy I've got to keep going.

OP posts:

ALittleBitConfused1 · 17/04/2021 11:00

When is your birthday op. If I had been dating someone only 8 weeks and they asked me about making plans for something 3 months down the line I think I'd probably be vague. If you're talking about something next week then I don't see why he can't say I'm busy or yes that would be nice. Also, when you say (working around kids) do you mean his or yours, just thinking was it because he and his ex have one of those casual make it up as you go arrangements regarding kid/kid free time, in which case he might have been unable to commit to plans until he's spoken to her to determine who is having kids on said weekend/day.
Just another thing, when you speak to him I wouldn't ask him what he wants or what he thinks 'this' is until you have clear in your mind what you want and what you expect it to be, then talk. Hey can we chat, I'm looking for x eventually, but if you're looking for y we probably need to z, it's not all about what he wants, don't give him all the power. Have your wants and needs clear, have realistic expectations (at this early stage) and then have the mindset to be prepared to end it it and move along to someone who is looking for the same if he isn't. Good luck op.

Original poster

pinkpixie83 · 17/04/2021 11:06

My birthday is in 2 weeks, but on a weekend with both have our respective children, hence asking, plus obviously more need to book than normal with covid. I don't think it was an unfair question.

I know what I'm looking for, and am content in that, but I don't want to pressure him into saying something that fits with that if that isn't what he genuinely wants.

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 17/04/2021 11:21

You have every right to ask where you stand with someone. I would expect from the time you first start sleeping together for them to take the initiative to ask for exclusivity and a relationship. Unless it was specifed by either party earlier on that you were not looking for anything serious.

So if you have been sleeping together and nothing has been said, I suspect he is a time waster.

But all you can do is ask. The fact that you feel the need to say 'calling him out' implies that you already know he is taking you for a ride though. And that he is already irritating you.

Do you really want to proceed with anything with a man whom you have to drag your relationship status out of? If he is making you unsure of where you stand now, guarantee that he will continue along this wish washy route with regards to you in future.

MMmomDD · 17/04/2021 11:39

It’s a very new relationship, and having your bday on the weekend when both have kids makes it understandable why he might hesitate.
It’s hard to say much without knowing about his situation with the kids - does he often/ever leaves them with babysitters on his days to go out?
If no and if the kids are small - I’d say you need to be an adult and plan for a different night.
In fact - even if kids aren’t small - given the length you have been together - I’d volunteer to not plan for that weekend.

It’s great that you know what you are looking for in a relationship. However - it’s unrealistic to expect much clarity of where it’s going at 2 months in.

Original poster

pinkpixie83 · 17/04/2021 11:43

I'm not wanting to plan for my birthday weekend, either one each side of it was my suggestion. I don't expect to come before his child, not ever.

I know it's too early to label it, but ultimately, I don't think now I am wrong for asking whether we are on the same page.

OP posts:

autumnalrain · 17/04/2021 11:44

I’m torn here. Partly feel like 2 months is still quite early to have expectations or he could have thought 2 weeks is short notice to change childcare plans? But at the same time there’s no harm in asking him for clarity and tempering your expectations

coodawoodashooda · 17/04/2021 11:48

You have to appear to have plenty energy to not be overly bothered either way.

Original poster

pinkpixie83 · 17/04/2021 11:51

@coodawoodashooda

You have to appear to have plenty energy to not be overly bothered either way.

I'm not sure what you mean here? I genuinely like him, but having been around the dating world for a while I don't want to invest if I'm the only one doing so.

OP posts:

Whereismymojo · 17/04/2021 11:51

Sounds like a perfectly reasonable request to me. If anything, that early on you’d be making a nice little step up of effort. Sensible to ask now!

billy1966 · 17/04/2021 12:09

Perfect reasonable to ask.
I don't get this not being exclusive if you are having sex.

The idea that you could be having sex with someone and because you are "not exclusive" is really bizarre.

So he can have sex with as many people as he likes at the same time?

Ick.

Never be afraid of knowing your worth, having boundaries, not accepting other people's timeline.

You do what is best for YOU.

MMmomDD · 17/04/2021 12:12

Op - you do sound a little full on.
Your title ‘calling him out tonight’...
Calling him out for what? He hasn’t done anything other than being a bit vague re plans in a few weeks?
It sounds like you have had bad experiences with dating and are now a bit jumpy.

There isn’t some sort of massive investment when you have just started dating. You are both still supposed to be getting to know each other to see if it goes anywhere.
No one can tell only a few weeks in.

Are you sure you are ready for dating?

StillLearningDad · 17/04/2021 12:15

I wanted to add another vote for "perfectly reasonable to ask" and also say: good luck, I hope it goes well! It sounds like you think it's more likely not to go well, but if he actually does feel the same way as you then I hope the conversation can turn out to be a good thing.

Whereismymojo · 21/04/2021 13:59

How did it go, OP?

Original poster

pinkpixie83 · 21/04/2021 16:10

Apparently I want more than he can give at the moment, and he has a lot going on.

I told him that's cool, but only got to be a grown up and say. So things have ended sensibly which is fine.

Apparently he'd be up for a friends with benefits situation if I woul ... men!

OP posts:

Annasgirl · 21/04/2021 16:22

OP, do not feel upset - congratulations on being upfront with what you want. I was very honest with DH from the get go about what I wanted from a relationship at that point in my life - in other relationships I had been "too afraid to ask" - thank God I upped my standards!!!

I always despair when I read threads by women who sit passively and watch their lives go by while waiting for a man to "decide what he wants" - we are thankfully in the 21st Century where, outside of the Middle East, no woman has to wait for a man to decide on her fate in life.

Well done OP - this will help you to achieve the relationship that you want and that you are entitled to have.

Whereismymojo · 21/04/2021 16:27

@pinkpixie83

Apparently I want more than he can give at the moment, and he has a lot going on.

I told him that's cool, but only got to be a grown up and say. So things have ended sensibly which is fine.

Apparently he'd be up for a friends with benefits situation if I woul ... men!

Ahh I’m sorry it wasn’t what you wanted to hear, but I think you’re great for asking - onwards and upwards! This sounds corny I know, but I’m going to say it anyway - the right fella will love your assertiveness, and even if he’s “a lot going on” he will make sure he has time for you

Original poster

pinkpixie83 · 21/04/2021 16:39

I'm less upset than I thought I would be.
At least he answered, and I got an answer. I'm not into the ghosting that happens so much now.

Funny thing is, the level of relationship I want is purely one evening a week and the weekends I'm child free, at least at the moment anyway. But onwards and upwards.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 21/04/2021 16:43

Good for you.
You didn't get the answer you wanted but you took control.

Respect👍

CharlotteRose90 · 21/04/2021 17:43

Sounds like he was dating around not just dating you. Bit shit but you know your answer now. 2 months is too early to know if your dating. You can ask if he’s seeing or sleeping with anyone else but most wouldn’t answer.

Musicaltheatremum · 21/04/2021 17:56

My partner of 2.5 years now asked me after 8 weeks(October 2018) to go to a wedding with him 9 months later ie July 2019! He was keen. I was sitting on a plane to go to India for 2 weeks so I guess he just wanted to make sure i knew he liked me. 😃

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