Feel guilty about partner's parents

[puppychaos]

My partner and I have been together for a couple of years now, and have been living together for just over a year. I will preface this by saying that DP's parents are lovely, and my DM is not as great - but there is also a huge wealth divide as I grew up poor working class with a single mum and DP grew up middle class with two high earning parents in a house they owned.

Since DP and I moved in together, DP's DM regularly offers us financial support. We don't need this as we both earn fairly well for our ages and yes we still need to save for some things but that's how it is when you're young isn't it? But DP's DM regularly offers to pay for things when we talk about things - for instance DP asked her DM where her DM got her mattress when she still lived at home as we're replacing our cheap one, and DM immediately offered to pay for it. Also, DP got a job in her field that pays a little less than the job she has now that isn't in their field, and DM offered to make up the difference until she's earning more. So it's not a fiver here or a fiver there - it's hundreds, and when we try to say no we're more than managing, don't worry, she sends it anyway. DP and I are talking a lot about our future and we would like to get married in a few years and DP has warned that her parents will want to contribute towards that as well as a house deposit. We are a lesbian couple, want children and will need to pay for sperm at the very least - DP says they will probably offer to pay for this too.

I understand that DP's parents just want the best for their daughter and they have the resources to do this and that's wonderful, but I can't help but feel really guilty. My DM will never, ever, ever be able to measure up to that. DP says it doesn't matter but I really like DP's parents and I don't want them to think I'm scrounging or using them for money when actually I couldn't feel more guilty. Do I just need to get over this feeling, or am I being terrible by not paying my way?

Of course you are not being terrible for "not paying your way". Your DPs parents are doing it for her and they won't want to hold off just because your family can't do the same. There are other ways of being supportive and helpful that don't involve money. Your DM may offer you both practical support, for instance, as may you in relation to your partner's parents.

My DH and I come from similar backgrounds but have had more financial support from my parents. DH's mum however was our babysitter for a long while.

My parents came from different backgrounds - my maternal GPs gave them a lot financial help (to buy their house, for example, not just paying for things like a mattress) whereas my paternal GPs couldn't really give anything. I'm sure it is a common situation.

If you have a good relationship with your DP's parents, I am sure they won't think you are a scrounger.

@Onelifeonly Thank you, I appreciate your words. I'm afraid my DM probably won't offer other forms of support at any point - I left home at 16 and her general motto is that she had to struggle so her children should too by learning the same lessons. If she sticks by that, she won't do any babysitting or similar as she didn't have that support when we were growing up. Not that I expect it from her, but the imbalance does make me sad.

No! Don't feel guilty. I'm in a similar relationship but the other way round. My dh is from a third world country and grew up very poor whilst I went to private school and had a horse.

My mother gave us money for our wedding and more for a house deposit and dh's didn't. Not once has either my mum or dh ever mentioned it to me and both of them absolutely would have done if they had had anything to say!

She has the money. She wants my life to be easier. Your MIL won't be thinking that your family should do the same as her.

We've been married twenty years now and my mum cares deeply for my dh and wants him to be happy just as ,much as she wants me to. She's a nice person.

Similar situation here. Dp parents own their own home and are financially secure , my parents are both disabled and living on pensions. His parents help us out far more , which I am eternally grateful for but I do feel like a bit of a scrounger sometimes.

Don't feel guilty about it at all.

I'm sort of in the same position as your mil. Dh is wealthy and pays for loads of things for the kids. And what he refuses to pay, fil typically will. It makes us happy for them to have nice things, and we have more money than we can spend on ourselves so why not spread the love to those we love?

Luckily(?) most of my dils and sils also come from wealthy families, however my youngest son's girlfriend doesn't, and so can sometimes become overwhelmed by how easily money comes and goes. Which I totally emphasise with, because I too came from a working class family.

If there is something I know they want to do for themselves, we hold back, but in general just give gentle reminders when she sees hesitant about something that it actually makes us happy to see them happy and enjoying life, so in many ways it's a selfish act, not something you need to feel guilty about enjoying.

No dont feel guilty. My parents are the same as your partners. They do it because they have the money and they enjoy it and want to make me happy. I wasnt spoiled as a child, we lived frugally and my parents became high earners only after I left home. And I'd rather they spend it on themselves than me and my sibling. But they have inheritance tax reasons. My husband does feel a bit guilty that they spend more on him than his family do but they dont see it like that

Don't feel guilty!

My DM gives me money despite me being a high earner and her being a very elderly frail woman on a pension. I take it because it makes her happy.

Meanwhile DH's mum is sitting on a fortune and somehow never felt the need to distribute it.

It makes us laugh sometimes with bitterness but we still didn't feel guilty when DH got a nice inheritance from his dad.

Let your DP's mum do her thing. As you get older there are fewer and fewer ways you can show love to your children. Especially if she doesn't attach strings to the money just let her enjoy it.