NC with in laws - what to tell kids?

[InsolentAnnie]

For various reasons (in a nutshell I refuse to put up with their nastiness any more) I’m going NC with the in laws. DH is fine with this and understands why. I’ve told him I’ll never ask him or the kids to stop seeing them but I’m having nothing to do with them. What do I tell the kids though? I don’t want to bad mouth their grandparents to them, as that would make me just as bad, and it’s not fair to influence their relationship because of issues I’m having with them. But I don’t want to the kids to think I’m miserable refusing to join in family things and I don’t want them to resent me because Mummy is never at the big family things on his side. Any suggestions? DC are 7 and 1.

If you find your inlaws too difficult to deal with, its actually the same deal for your children as well. Would reconsider not keeping the children away from them going forward. If the other set of grandparents are nice and importantly emotionally healthy then I would concentrate efforts on them. Why would you want your children around such nasty relatives anyway, relatives who by their actions have driven their mother into having no contact. Your H may want to keep up a relationship of sorts with his parents (perhaps out of his own fear, obligation and guilt) but that does not mean that either you or your children have to do the same.

Your explanation to a younger child needs to be calm, pragmatic, measured and short. Long explanations make you look defensive which will tend to peak the interest of the child and prompt him to push the issue. You can gauge what is appropriate information depending on the age of the child.

Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt. Emphasize to your children how much we enjoy being around grandma and grandpa so-and-so (the decent and loving grandparents). Cultivate your children's relationship with the decent, loving grandparents. Teach your children to be grateful for the decent, loving grandparents. Gratitude is a highly effective antidote to loss. Focus them on what they have, not what they don't have. Model that attitude of gratitude.

It will not do them any favours for they and their dad to keep seeing his parents without you present. Also if you are bad mouthed in any way by them (a likely scenario) your H is not going to be able to stand up for you and your children would also be caught in that crossfire.

My parents were quite honest in their feelings about my grandparents as I got older.

Yes, I absolutely loved my mum's mum - but I also learned about the pretty disastrous upbringing my mum had had.

Equally my DF was quite ambivalent about his parents and it was obvious that the other grandchildren were the favourites. And so they shared a lot about my DF's upbringing in the war, that yes the aunts were the favourites and it was OK that none of us enjoyed going there.

It brought me a lot closer to my parents, I learned a lot about them and I still loved my grandparents - my beloved grandmother more so. She made some bad decisions but then, don't we all?

Do you have to say anything to the kids? When DH takes them to his parents, you can just say you're busy and not going.

At 7 and 1, they're too young to explain it to. As the years go on, when the 7 year old is a teen, if they ask you can freak with it then.

For now, you don't need to say anything.

As you aren't stopping a relationship between the children, I think it's quite simple, just have your dh take them to family things and you have a nice day at home. I'm not sure you need to explain it or make a big deal out of it at this point. If they are older (teens) and ask, you can explain that you just don't get along but you want them to have a nice time with their grandparents. I mean, my dad almost never visited my grandparents (my mum's parents). It wasn't because they were NC. He just didn't really like to visit any family. I never even thought about it. I was happy to go with my mum and see my grandparents. It wasn't a big deal.

It's much more difficult if you have to explain ending a child's relationship with grandparents. We are in this situation as I am now NC with my family (for serious reasons related to sexual abuse). For obvious reasons, I wouldn't want my dc having anything to do with them either because it's not safe. I haven't yet worked out how to explain this. Thankfully, because of COVID, they haven't questioned it as everything has been weird this year and not seeing family for a year isn't the weirdest bit.

I wouldn't be saying anything. But I'd be asking your dh to remain within earshot of the grandparents/kids while they are at the grandparents as no doubt the grandparents will have something to say about your absences. He needs to ensure that his parents do not badmouth you.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I don’t think how they are with me currently affects the kids - particularly if I stay away. They don’t like me because they think I tell DH what to do, and they think I’m manipulative - basically because I refuse to conform to their Stepford wife-inspired, old-fashioned views. MIL is very outspoken and very critical of things we choose to do, and then acts like it’s my fault if I get upset - she seems to think that as she ‘means well’ it’s not her responsibility if she really upsets me. They massively underestimate DH and think that if it weren’t for me he’d be a lot more obedient (which isn’t true because he has wildly different views to them). I have told them in no uncertain terms that if we get even the slightest whiff of them imposing their views on the kids or bad-mouthing me then they will not see them any more. Tbh I don’t think they’d risk it because they know I mean it. And while DH and I don’t bad mouth his parents, we have no hesitation in telling the kids when they have done or said something that we think is wrong, so that the kids learn to recognise it. DC also have a wonderful relationship with my mum, and far more influence from her as she’s in our bubble, lives nearer, and loos after them while I’m at work.

@mindutopia thanks, that’s reassuring. I haven’t mentioned anything at the moment but I’m just wary - I’m blowed if I’m going to look bad to my kids because my MIL doesn’t know how to treat people.

I really agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat

I fail to see the value of grandparents who need to be so nasty.

But I'm very fussy about my children.
I wouldn't have them around people who needed to be nasty.
Life is too short.

The fact that you have had to warn them about NOT being nasty about you in front of your children tells me everything.

People who have to be warned to behave decently are not people I would want around my precious children.

If your husband wants to visit his parents, that is his business but it is NOT in your children's best interests to be around the people you describe.

Keep your explanations simple and to the point.

Granny and granddad are saying things that are NOT nice so we won't be going to visit them any more.

Well done for not being dominated by them.