Friend issues

[Mene88]

Hi everyone
I have some issues going on with a friend and not sure what to do.
My friend is a single mum and has an only child. Her ex picks and chooses when he sees his child and she has no other family to take care of her little one. She asks me constantly. This week alone I have had her little one twice, picking her up from school and giving her treats and dinner because she works in a shop. Sometimes she will take her daughter with her to work. Sometimes I have her more than this. I dont mind helping her out sometimes as I have four kids and they all get on, especially with my daughter, as they are the same age. The other day she rings me just before I'm going to pick up my kids, i didn't answer as i was already out the door. I walk past where her little one gets let out and she runs to me. I ask where her mum is and she said she doesn't know. I take her home with me. The teacher doesn't mind as she knows me and I pick her up regularly. She also does this quite often. I ring her when I get back, saying I have little one and where is she. She said she had been on the sunbeds. She was 20 minutes late, so if I didn't pick her up, little one would have been there worrying where her mum was. Tonight is the start of my free weekend until sunday as my kids go to their dads. I usually catch up with housework, do my university work and go to the gym. She rings and asks if I can have little one overnight because she wants to stay at her boyfriends. I told her I am busy and she knows I do all things I said above. She seemed angry. Her daughter still wets the bed and when she stays she shares a bed with my daughter. I have asked her to bring round a mattress protector, clean underwear, pjs, clothes and a toothbrush but she never does, so I have bought her one to use while shes here and she wears my daughters things. A few times she has just turned up when I have free weekends at my door with little one and asked if I can have her overnight. Little looks so uncomfortable and I can't bare to see her little face like that so I have said yes for her sake. Her boyfriend treats her badly and does whatever he asks. My priority is little one. She is either passed to me by her mum, and her dad doesn't have her very often. I am worried how all of this is effecting her and I just don't know what to do.

You are a lovely friend. Poor girl.
The mum is a cheeky fucker.

Do you get anything out of this friendship?
Some people, like religious ones, might see continuing helping the girl as charity and expect a reward in heaven as it were.
You could try and speak to her about giving you more notice. It's tricky...

Stop being used OP.

STOP!!

Be there for the little one, but have some boundaries in place (like your free weekend!)

If it was for any other reason, I would tell her to one. But this little girl literally has no one. No family, no other friends to come and play, basically no father. If I end the friendship, she would be alone. That's why its tricky because she is like my own daughter

You need to lay down boundaries in a polite but firm way, I'm afraid, and then she must learn to deal with consequences of no longer having you at her beck and call.

Eg she provides for her dd when she comes to stay (you won't take her overnight unless she comes prepared), you'll only do last minute stays in absolute emergencies. She must be on time to pick her dd up, no spending that time on sunbeds etc.

@Stichintime

STOP!!

Well don’t just stop because that’s leaving a vulnerable child alone, isn’t it. Are you in the U.K. op? if so I would contact social services and let them know what’s happening.

Yes I am in the uk. Social services have been involved before because she left her daughter with someone else, this was a while back, and she was supposed to pick up her daughter from school but didn't because she was hungover from the night before and fell asleep. The social services did nothing.

All other friends have ditched her now because of this. So that's why she only stays with me now. As I said, it's not about the friendship I'm worried about, I am worried about the little one if I do end the relationship.

Worry about your own 4 DCs.

You are also a single Mum and they need you. And you need your rest to focus on them.

They don’t need you distracted and preoccupied with this woman and her chaotic life - which you are inadvertently enabling.

You are the last man standing as everyone else has stepped back. You need to detach and get professionals involved to support this child and her mother appropriately. Report it to the school - they are no doubt on alert already and will initiate any safeguarding process anonymously.

Focus on your DC and your life. Drop the guilt for someone else’s child, just do what you need to do. This family need long term intervention.

Do nothing OP, continue to be a support for the Child.

Thank you all so much for your posts. You are all right. I will talk to indres teacher on monday and ring the social services. I just feel so bad for little one, she really is like my own.

My friend needs help, I have tried to talk to her about this a few times but its just not sinking in. I am worried about the times that I can not be there and look after her and what will happen. Her boyfriend is a drug dealer and I worry so much about her. I hope that the social workers can help and show her how to be there for little one when she struggles. I really do feel cut in half and what is the best thing, but she just won't listen to me.

You are wonderful to help this little girl, I hope social services can assist.
Social workers don’t seem to be able to actually ‘do’ that much.

This is very difficult, OP. In your shoes, if you can manage it, I would continue to look after her little girl. Especially if she’s like your own daughter to you. It may be impossible but could you even think of fostering her - probably an off the wall suggestion but you’d then get some funding, I think. And yes, talk to social services again. It sounds like you’re the only stability available to her.