Can i go no contact with ex with baby?

[Hadenough35]

Broke up last year. Its been pretty much hell since then. i want it to work and tried my best but he refuses but just keeps me dangling with hope. He isnt really interested too much in the baby anyway. Pops in once a week to see her for half an hour. My dilemma is should i just stop him seeing the baby to protect myself or do i just have to put up with it? He basically just shows his face, holds the baby briefly, has a little flirt with me and then leaves? He seems to enjoy playing games and hurting me and he gives me big smile when he leaves so it just feels like mental torture and it takes me a few days to stop feeling so angry. Then it starts again when he next shows up. What do i do?

I had this. I cut all ties and didn’t text or call again. He wasn’t bothered and I could get on living my life how I wanted. Best thing I ever did. Sending you strength to do the same x

Op is there anyway someone else could be there when he comes to visit the baby? My fear is that if you stop contact and he goes to court he will be granted access so the situation would be worse because you would have lost all control of the situation

@debbiewest0 it's horrible isn't it, he has really knocked my stuffing out but thank you im glad you got through it, gives me hope

@2ndtimemum2 no there's nobody from my side. Im very much alone and he plays on that. I asked him before to find a go between but he said he didnt want to involve people in our problems. Youre right though he may fight through court. I just feel so trapped by him.

Leave the room, or tell him to take baby out in the pram.

How old is the baby? Is baby old enough to be handed over to him at he door?

No, you absolutely shouldn't stop a father having contact with his child in these circumstances! He's having weekly contact - that's a relationship between father and child that is worth preserving. Get a relative to facilitate contact, or get him to take baby out of the house. As your child gets older, Dad should transition to longer blocks of contact, without you there, so it'll be less of an issue.

is he paying maintenance for his child OP.

If you don't want face to face contact that is fine but you need to find an intermediary or pay for a contact centre (some facilitate hand overs who don't need supervision, during the contact session the nrp is free to leave the building)

@StoneColdBitch setting the bar high there.

Do maintenance through CMS. Don't allow him in your house. Cut him dead. If he wants contact let him take it to court. Don't let him play you.

You can't withdraw a child's right to a relationship with their father because you aren't happy with a break up. That's not fair on the child.

He sounds like an arse for flirting with you knowing you you feel for him, but that is separate from his relationship with his child. If need be have contact formally arranged in a contact centre. If he wants to be a decent dad then he'll turn up and build that relationship with his child. If he doesn't bother once he no longer has access to you, then he shows his hand and you have the moral high ground when your child asks about their dad later in life.

I agree that you don't have to have contact. Doorstep handover, contact centre, simply leaving the room.

Withdrawing all contact with the baby wouldn't be my choice.

And yes, child support as well.

You need to separate the two issues - your wanting a relationship with him and your baby's relationship with him. You don't come as a package. Maybe he doesn't want you. What you need to focus on now is your baby's relationship. He is coming to see the baby surely not you. Just let that happen. As the baby gets older he'll maybe feel more confident having them for longer - maybe at his home so he doesn't have to spend the time around you. And if you help this develop now you'll have the confidence in him to do this.

PM'd you

I know it's really hard and painful, but you do need to keep contact going. Fill your life with as much fun as possible and lock him out emotionally, but don't prevent a bond between him and his child. When bubba is bigger, hopefully their bond will become stronger and you will have no emotional ties to him.

Why is he coming into your house for contact ? Is your child very young? He should be taking the child alone. My ex use to come into my house but he just spent the whole time trying to sleep with me, when I stopped him coming he stopped seeing the children funnily enough!

[quote Goatsgetmygoat]@StoneColdBitch setting the bar high there.[/quote]
No need for sarcasm. If OP stopped contact on these spurious grounds and her ex took her to court to resume it, the court would likely take a dim view of OP for stopping contact. Whether or not you think weekly contact is good enough, it's certainly more than many NRPs have.

Thank you everyone for replies. The baby is just 3 months and breastfed and yes he pays and helps if i need anything but i just feel so tortured by him and he definitely does it on purpose. But i wont stop contact and it just feels like he doesnt have interest in the baby really.. it feels superficial and yes he flirts and im left feeling so angry. Its all a game to him. I just hate it. Ill guess ill just keep going and try staying in my bedroom until he has left like some suggested.

Does he come at prearranged times? If not, that would be my initial focus. And then, once arrives, instead of inviting in, wheel baby out for him. That way he has contact and its limited contsct with you. Or meet in a park and you walk off agreeing when you'll be back home. So for example, not for an hour or two dependent on feeding schedule if ebf. But if bottle fed, you can then extend this period.
If he refuses to agree contsct time, then I would try not to be around at the usual times he deigns to arrive or quite literally say it's not convenient for me and to agree times in advance as you've requested. Then shut the door. Just make sure you email (preferably) or text reiterating that as per your request, you expect contact times to be agreed in advance as just turning up announced is inappropriate, inconvenient and an invasion of your family time with lo. But you wish to build and maintain regular contact, so that as your child ages they will be familiar with the contact time arrangements and when lo will see their father.

Make sure he arrives at pre arranged times and plan some jobs to do while he's there preferably ones in the garden if you have one or that he can't interfere with e.g. long phone calls. Hand over the baby "great now I can go wash the car/do that bit of gardening/call the bank". Disappear and use the time to get stuff done!

I was going to suggest handovers too but as she is very little and bf that's probably not possible right now. So my next advice would be to take the power back...facilitate contact for your child's sake but don't let him have and power of you he'll soon get bored and d one of two things. He'll either loose interest in coming round as the novelty will wear off or as your dd gets older he'll get bored of playing the game when he isn't getting a reaction and will start making alternative access arrangements. You need to treat this as exactly what it is an arrangement to suit your child's current needs, almost business like. I would....
Set up an email account or get a cheap payg SIM. Ist that only for him to a range a day and time frame of visit, discuss nothing else with him, except your 3rd and only via that means of contact
Arrange a formal maintenance payment via cms, then he has no power of you by you having to ask for financial help when you need it.
When he comes to your home give him the baby then go out of the room. Use the time to clean your bathroom, change your sheets, or sit in the garden with a book. Only discuss your daughter. If he attempts to flirt walk away or shut it down. Be civil, e polite but don't engage in anything other than talking about your child.
Once his allotted time (prearranged) is up thank him for coming reiterat (see you next saturday) then politely show him out.

Don't be there, either have someone else there or walk out when he comes and say I'll be back in xxx time
Much better to have someone else there you can be hiding upstairs

I would stop contact and tell him he is no longer welcome. If he fights and insists he sees his child, then you can tell him to see the baby at his home - contact times to be set etc. If he doesn’t bother coming back - you have your answer - he’s just messing with you and isn’t interested in your baby.

I’d be tempted to use a contact centre, or ask him to take the baby out as others have suggested.

Another part of me thinks you should just ask him outright not to flirt with you. If he asks why not, tell him you’ve just started seeing someone and it doesn’t feel appropriate. That might scupper it! But that’s probably an immature part of me saying that.

I wouldn’t stop contact but when he arrives hand him baby and say I’m just jumping in shower. Stay out of his way the whole time and give yourself a break. If he forces conversation grey rock him and make yourself as uninteresting as possible he will get bored and give up.