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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm being used but I struggle with change

25 replies

BBB1998849 · 16/04/2021 20:39

I have been with my guy for a year. I came out of an abusive relationship before him. The guy used to beat me and gaslight me all the time. So when my new bloke came along, he swept me off my feet. He proposed with a ring on our second date. I got caught up in the romance and he moved in 3 weeks later. I had a 2 month old daughter and he has become an amazing dad to her over the last year. But our relationship has not been great. We have sex about every 2 months at most. I am an every day kind of girl so I miss the closeness. He hasn't contributed to any bills the whole time he has lived here. He buys one lot of food for us each month but forgets the essentials so I spend the same if not more on stuff too. He went out and bought a second horse when he supposedly had no money and couldn't afford the one he already had and then had to borrow money off me when his car blew up. I know I am being used. I am tired of being used. But I suck at being on my own. I had a four year break between my abusive partner and my new one and my mental health was rubbish. He is cold towards me the majority of the time. Occasionally he holds my hand or gives me a kiss but that is all I get. I know he isn't attracted to me but I guess it would be nice to be made pretty every now and then. He does cook for us and he always gets up to my little one when she cries at night. I am so struggling to do the right thing and what that right thing actually is.

OP posts:

FuckyouCovid21 · 16/04/2021 20:53

He moved in with you and your baby after 3 weeks?!

NotaCoolMum · 16/04/2021 20:56

The right thing to do is get away from him. NOW. If not for you, then for your daughter who didn’t ask to be pulled into this mess. You say your mental health wasn’t good in the 4 years break before you met this guy. You need to work on that before you entertain the thought of being in another relationship. Who the hell proposes on the second date?! And no one in their right mind says “yes” to that op!! You need to work on your own issues. Your daughter deserves a strong mother who teaches her her worth- how can she learn that if Mummy is utterly dependent on a douche bag of a man who is clearly using her?!

Original poster

BBB1998849 · 16/04/2021 20:57

We video called for about three months before we met. Then when covid lockdown happened and rather than be split up we moved in.

OP posts:

NotaCoolMum · 16/04/2021 20:58

That’s still a NOPE from me I’m afraid.....

BlueDahlia69 · 16/04/2021 21:19

o m g

Lady please value yourself and your child above all things 🌸

autumnalrain · 16/04/2021 21:23

Absolutely astonished you let a man move in with you after 3 weeks when you have a young baby. Your daughters needs should be your priority here.

Bananalanacake · 16/04/2021 21:29

Can he move back to where he came from. He's a cocklodger, happy to sponge off a mum with a baby. Have you got relatives who can back you up when you tell him to leave.

moreofalurker · 16/04/2021 21:33

@autumnalrain

Absolutely astonished you let a man move in with you after 3 weeks when you have a young baby. Your daughters needs should be your priority here.

THIS!!!!!!!

PriestessofPing · 16/04/2021 21:38

So you had just given birth when you met him? But you had a four year. real between him and your previous partner? So where does the father of your child figure in all of this?

If you had a four year break between partners you can’t suck that much at being on your own surely?

PriestessofPing · 16/04/2021 21:38

real = break

nitsandwormsdodger · 16/04/2021 22:36

Whirs the father of the baby ?

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 17/04/2021 19:48

None of this makes sense

Amumtomyson · 17/04/2021 20:17

Why are you letting him get up in the night with her....??

Sooobored · 17/04/2021 20:39

You didn’t know him at all when he moved in with your newborn baby. That’s shocking.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 18/04/2021 16:20

I've just reread this just now, as it hasn't made sense and it kept coming back to me...(see my comment above).
He fails at all the stuff. All of it. He is lousy.
Yet, he always gets up during the night to tend to your baby daughter?!

Are you not hearing fucking loud alarm bells OP????

Wtaf is this?

There's a reason that my brain kept bringing me back to this.

Wtaf.

OP. In the absence of other Info, the most likely explanation is the one staring you in the damn face.
If you stay with this man, then you are as culpable as him. Fucking hell. Forget your sex drive for a moment and think about your tiny daughter. What is wrong with you?????

therocinante · 18/04/2021 16:36

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

I've just reread this just now, as it hasn't made sense and it kept coming back to me...(see my comment above). He fails at all the stuff. All of it. He is lousy. Yet, he always gets up during the night to tend to your baby daughter?!

Are you not hearing fucking loud alarm bells OP????

Wtaf is this?

There's a reason that my brain kept bringing me back to this.

Wtaf.

Yeah. He's a fucking creep.

user1471457751 · 18/04/2021 16:56

How on earth did you have time to be online dating when you were heavily pregnant/had a newborn?
You need to start priotising your child and yourself and to that you need to get this waster out of your life.

HollowTalk · 18/04/2021 17:00

You know the surest sign that a man is going to be a cocklodger is when he doesn't have to give notice on his own place and can move in at a moment's notice. What were you thinking of? Time to tell him to go.

thisisyourwakeupcall · 18/04/2021 18:01

A man that's not the child's father that wanted to get up with her rings huge huge alarm bells.
No one should jump to conclusions and maybe he is just particularly helpful but from the other information you've given... it doesn't seem likely

willowmelangell · 18/04/2021 18:12

So he is rebound guy? Give the ring back and say the relationship is not working for you. Suggest he takes 2 weeks to find somewhere else to live.
I'm sorry this hasn't worked out for you.
You are not the first to be swept away and you won't be the last.
Best of luck to you xx

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/04/2021 18:18

He doesn't fancy you but moved in with you after three weeks when you have a tiny baby and gets up with her in the night when he isn't the father?
Does this not ring any alarm bells at all for you?
have you not considered that he could be a paedophile?
Most men who are cold towards their partner like this only hang around because they want access to the children or child.
Its the paedophiles handbook, why would he be interested in a baby that is not his when he is not interested in you?
You need your head seeing to and you need to protect your child.

Bananalanacake · 18/04/2021 19:47

You can have a relationship with someone without living with them you know. But if he's not attracted to you why bother.

sammylady37 · 18/04/2021 20:19

He proposed with a ring on our second date. I got caught up in the romance and he moved in 3 weeks later. I had a 2 month old daughter and he has become an amazing dad to her over the last year

WTAF is this?

Multiple alarm bells ringing at this bit, and that’s before we get to the fact that he’s happy to get up and look after your baby daughter at night, despite being incompetent at every thing else.

litterbird · 18/04/2021 21:12

This thread seems a bit far fetched to me....it just doesn't make sense at all. Surely no one in their right mind would do this?

ItsNotLoveActually · 18/04/2021 21:28

Sorry OP but agree with everyone else. Please ask him to leave.
Where is the baby's father in all this? What on earth do your friends and family think about the situation?

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