His ex is saying they had sex - need advice!!

[verk]

I made this account a few days ago and have been reading threads but this is my first post and I need some advice.

Some background- me and boyfriend are young and ive known him for years as we were were previously friends. We got together in January 2019. Before we got together he was with someone else who was quite controlling and accused him of cheating on her with me (he wasn't and we only got into a relationship after they'd split up).

When I found out I was pregnant last year our relationship wasn't very good as we argued over little things. We then decided to be friends as he told me he was struggling with his mental health and he wanted to focus on himself.

We've been back together since January and our relationship has been good so far. I gave birth 2 weeks ago and he's been a good dad so far aswell. His ex messaged me today telling me that a few weeks ago they had sex and apparently they've been meeting up and he's been telling her that he wants to be with her etc.

Now I'm not sure what to do, I'm also not sure if to believe her

Any advice will be appreciated

It's difficult to tell because you don't really know her, all you know of her is what he have said and it is really common for cheats and nasty sorts to portray their exs as 'crazy/controlling' ect.

Tbf you were 'on a break' so if he was shagging her, it sounds like it was before you got back together. Though arguably shows him as shallow as fuck that he argues with one women and jumps onto another.

You would be wise to read up lots on things that abusers do (not that he is one but players and abusers ect all share similar traits like lack of empathy so it may help you to spot it).

Read up on narcissists and narcissistic triangulation (when they play two women off against one another to feed their ego) incase he is going down that route.

You could also meet her for a coffee and see what you feel about her.

Is she quoting dates/times that would match when he was away from home? She could well be lying. Perhaps jealous that you've had his baby? I'd take a look at his phone when he's in the shower/asleep.

*my bad just realised you said it was jan you got back together.

I'd be inclined to believe her but agree with pp, times and dates would help. Or you could even ask her to set him up by inviting him over and letting you know when he was there so you could catch him.

Hi @verk

Didn't want to read & run. Personally I would (gently, not accusatory) ask him if he's had any contact with Ex recently. His reaction should be quite telling. If he is genuinely surprised & "no, why?", tell/show him her message.

1. It is very possible she is jealous of your relationship & trying to cause trouble.
2. He is a lying cheating b£*^%d and it is true.

Only he can tell you the truth. Whether he does or not is another matter. Hopefully it is option 1. Congratulations on your baby, and I hope things turn out ok.

I'd ask her for screenshots. If they've banged there will be messages.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I'd ask her for screenshots. If they've banged there will be messages.

This.

Ask her for proof and to see screenshot of their messages then. If she proves its true then leave him. You deserve much better. I was in a very similar situation except it wasn't his ex. He split with me when I was pregnant then got back with me when the baby was born and cheated. I wish I'd never took him back to be honest.

OP, im sorry you are in this situation.

I would be asking for more evidence from her, screenshot, dates, times, anything that might provide any proof. I would do this before confronting him otherwise he will just deny and you will tie yourself up on knots trying to figure out if he is lying or not.

Do you live together?

Don't trust either of them. Gather evidence. Ask for screenshots. Check dates and times.

No we don't live with eachother.

He didn't say she was controlling, I know her as she constantly told me not to contact him etc (as she assumed he was cheating on her with me, which he wasn't as we were just good friends).

@verk

No we don't live with eachother.

He didn't say she was controlling, I know her as she constantly told me not to contact him etc (as she assumed he was cheating on her with me, which he wasn't as we were just good friends).

To be fair to her, considering you're now together and expecting a baby she is unlikely to believe there was no reason for her to have suspicions!

Have you asked her for screenshots?

If there's the possibility that she would do this just to cause trouble, I'm not sure screenshots will be of any use, they're so easy to fake, especially text messages. Can you match up times and dates she says with what you know about where he was?

If you was friends with him when he was with his ex then yeah it's true. She probably feels that you broke their relationship. I would just walk away to save the emotional trauma. It will be a case of continuing blame shifting.

If you ask me a guy who loves you and wants to be with you wouldn't break up with you and then get back with you playing with your feelings and also wouldn't allow another woman to come to you bringing drama to your door step. If it was me I'd focus on my child and walk away from the whole situation.

She's likely telling the truth.

It sounds like he has form.

He sounds a bit trashy. Is he?

Do ask him if it is true. Try to put him on the spot, ask when he is least expecting it. You may be able to tell if he replies truthfully or not.

I don't understand why ex still wants him when he has fathered a baby with you.

Nevertheless many ex's do sleep together, even people married and divorced who both have new partners.

You won't know without asking him directly and doing a bit of snooping.

It hurts me to think of a young girl with a baby having this sort of worry.

Does he know that she has said this?

First of all, you guys must've been more than good friends and she could probably sense it, otherwise why else would you get into a relationship with him after they split? And why else would she accuse you of cheating? You obviously both liked each other whilst him and his ex were together - it's called an emotional affair.

Second of all, if he did it to her he could easily do it to you. He might just be a dog-of-a-man. But she also might be lying to get one over on you for doing the same to her. Either way, it all sounds messy. Sorry.

Ask for screen shots

But to be honest, he sounds like a wrongun anyway

It's not that easy to fake screenshots - can she not send something with his number etc on it.

Separate from that somebody who flakes when you're pregnant cause they need to focus on themselves and blah blah doesn't sound great.

Good advice here. Better to find out now than waste years on someone who is a cheat and a liar. If it is true then you deserve better and so does your child. I wish you luck x

No he doesn't know what she's said. Me and him didn't get together until about a year after he split up with his ex and we definitely weren't having an emotional affair.

How old are you all Verk?
If you were 'good friends' who fancied each other you WERE having an emotional affair.

Ordinarily, I would say that men and women can be friends without there being more to it but there obviously was more to it in your case if you were pregnant with his baby a year after they split up. I have plenty of male friends who I do not fancy and have never slept with even when we have both been single. I am also generally friends with their partners too as why wouldn't I be? 🤷‍♀️

Also if she contacted you repeatedly asking you not to see him and you continued to do so without attempting to allay her fears and are now with him, no wonder she blames you for their breakup. In which case she could be lying in order to cause trouble for you. Do they have children together as well?

However, I'm not sure I believe there was a year between them breaking up and you getting together (unless one or both of you were in another relationship). I suspect that a gap of a year just sounds so much better...

This is a really hard time for you. If you are young and coping on your own with a new baby any decisions you have to make now will be very difficult. Do you have family around to support you?

As PPs have said it would be a good idea to ask for screen shots or to ask to see his phone to confirm or disprove what his ex has said before you make any decisions.

Sorry Verk reading my post back it sounds harsher than I meant.

In summary I was just saying that she probably feels angry with you and so has a motive for lying. I hope this is the case.

Congratulations on your new baby! I hope your boyfriend is sharing the care and looking after you even though you are not living together.