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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Situation from a while back bothering me, maybe tmi and possibly triggering

16 replies

WeCameToDance · 16/04/2021 09:31

I don’t really know what I’m hoping to gain from this. It was a while ago and I’m married now so it’s irrelevant but every so often I think of it and it’s been making me feel more and more uneasy.

I was seeing this man for around four months and it was extremely intense. He was intense from the beginning and I thought I was ok with that because I felt in control of it but subsequently fell in deep. He did so much in four months. Constantly accusing me of cheating, I had to screenshot a lot of conversations and even then that was never proof enough. Would fly in a rage if I didn’t screenshot a conversation he felt was relevant as that was me ‘hiding things from him’ and therefore guilty of whatever I was on trial for in his head.

Sexually is where the situation haunts me though. He used to want me to sleep lying on his chest. It wasn’t comfy so I spent most of the time pretending to sleep but I was fairly sure he’d be in a mood if I didn’t. One morning I must have only been asleep for an hour or so when I felt him moving and woke up. I thought he needed the toilet or something. Nope. He was masturbating... that I didn’t mind. What I did mind was he was trying to move me so he could squat above me and come on my face. While I was sleeping. I was sort of gobsmacked but because I’d woken up and ‘ruined’ his plan he put his penis in my mouth and finished. This wasn’t the only time I felt he took things too far sexually but that one really bothers me.

There was so much more to this situation. I’d be here all day but I’ll stick to that example.
This was wrong wasn’t it? It felt almost normal at the time. I got used to him and his ways and while I was shocked it wasn’t completely unexpected he’d do something like that.

OP posts:
MonkeyNotOrgangrinder · 16/04/2021 09:33

Yes it was very very wrong

LaceyBetty · 16/04/2021 09:36

Agree, very wrong. Sorry that happened to you OP and it would effect me badly for a long time too. You should probably seek some counselling to deal with it. Really sorry.

HumunaHey · 16/04/2021 09:42

That is awful! Do you have to come into contact with him/live near him now?

I would want to report him. God knows what abuse he's inflicting on other women.

WeCameToDance · 16/04/2021 09:55

I’ve wondered about some form of counselling. I can’t forgive myself for the person I became in such a small time. So keen to make him happy that I took the swearing phone calls and promised I’d do better next time. I don’t recognise myself when I look back to that version of me.

Humuna I live a fair distance from him so I’m as confident as I can be that I’ll never see him again. I did actually fill in a police report for one of the things he did to me but didn’t have the guts to send it. I regret that massively.
I’m wary of talking about it because I wouldn’t be surprised if his child’s mother is on here and there are things I’d never wish for her to know.

OP posts:
Ginandplatonic · 16/04/2021 09:59

Well done for extricating yourself from this abusive, controlling rapist OP. You have nothing to forgive yourself for - these men are master manipulators, but it sounds like some counselling would benefit you.

LaceyBetty · 16/04/2021 10:01

I can’t forgive myself for the person I became in such a small time.

This is really sad to read OP. It is not your fault at all and you need to forgive yourself. Well, actually, you have nothing to forgive. He is the one who should be asking for forgiveness. It would be good to get some help to realise you did nothing wrong, but also to make sure it doesn't happen to you again (i.e., by understanding how the situation came to be in the first place).

Ruminating2020 · 16/04/2021 10:02

@WeCameToDance
I am so sorry that happened to you. Yes, that was very, very wrong. He's emotionally and sexually abusive.

Could you get counselling about this? There is trauma that you haven't processed and moved on from. You seem to be blaming yourself as well for what happened to you, but the shame belongs to him. You dealt with the situation in the only way you knew how at the
time, so you have to learn to forgive yourself.

Sending best wishes in moving forward. Flowers

Isla2021 · 16/04/2021 10:03

Sorry to hear you have been through that, how absolutely awful for you. I have been something not so dissimilar a long time ago now, I've blocked it out for many years but now and again it pops up in my head.

For yourself I would seriously consider reporting him to the police but also there are many charities out there and I would definately recommend counselling!

cucumberrock · 16/04/2021 10:05

This is rape.

RachelRavenRoth · 16/04/2021 10:06

I wouldn’t be surprised if his child’s mother is on here and there are things I’d never wish for her to know.

Speak to your gp, contact women’s aid, send the police report in and for the safety of the child, really consider telling her mother.

WeCameToDance · 16/04/2021 10:14

Thank you everyone! It’s nice to have people say that it wasn’t right.

I’d still like to report him to the police and I still have the ‘evidence’. Think putting private pictures up publicly and you’d be on the right track but is it too late now? Would the police even be interested? What would happen? Would I have to talk to them in person?

OP posts:
EarthSight · 16/04/2021 10:50

Fuckinghell. I'd put that in the sexual assault category. I would say his desire to do this when you were unaware, unable to consent and in a vulnerable state like sleeping was entirely intentional and he was getting off on humiliating you.

Abuse is often totally casual and not a big deal to the abusers themselves. As you said, it wasn't the first time he had 'taken things too far' and I can bet you he had done the same to other women. That casualness and 'why the big deal?' sort of attitude can warp your own sense of reality, your own sense of what's acceptable and not acceptable. In this sense I think being in a relationship with an abusive, twisted individual is a bit like being in a cult where you are brainwashed. Please forgive and be kind to yourself.

I think what you might have learnt here, the hard way, is that there is often a correlation between sometimes behaviour outside the bedroom and their behaviour in it.

GammyLeg · 16/04/2021 10:57

Horrifying. But there is nothing to forgive where you are concerned OP. Abusers like him can be very skilled manipulators. I agree counselling could help you. I’m so sorry you went through this.

Pastryapronsucks · 16/04/2021 14:36

Yes to counselling, yes to reporting him. Dont blame yourself though. I was in an abusive relationship many years ago, my best friend who was very strong and independent couldn't understand why I put up with it. Sadly she was in an abusive relationship about 10 years later, when she got out she was so humbled and apologetic for how she had felt towards me
Anyone can end up being used and manipulated, particularly if you are a good and trusting person.

RachelRavenRoth · 16/04/2021 15:48

Op, phone the police. Talk to them.

Bananalanacake · 16/04/2021 15:49

Well done on getting rid of him. Bet he didn't go easily.

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