Is this gaslighting?

[Surelynot21]

Having a discussion with dh this morning, during which he makes a comment about stopping working as it's 'his turn' to stay at home (he's self employed btw).

I laugh and say I'm not surprised he wants to do it, now they're of school age, and that my maternity leave had not been a walk in the park, as he seems to think.

I then suggest that he could book some time off whilst the kids are off school (I've just had Easter with them) if he wanted to spend some time with them.
He then starts an argument saying that I don't like him having time off, I said wasn't the case.
He brought up argument we had in January, saying that I had a massive go at him about him taking some time off and threw in some examples of what I had said (I hadn't).

I calmly pointed out that I didn't have an issue with him being off as such, I had issue with the fact that he hadn't worked for 8 weeks, through choice (not earning) whilst I had worked and dealt with the majority of kids and house stuff, whilst he entertained himself for the most part. My issue was with the lack of support and yes, to be fair, a rather extended Christmas holiday.
He then started ranting about he can't help when he is working, when jobs are booked, when they get cancelled etc.
I said that it's funny as that's not how he explained it during above mentioned argument and at the time he had said I was just jealous that got to plan his own diary and made the choice to make time for himself, whereas I had to work for somebody.
He then says, "so you did have a go at me about being off" and leaves the room.
Is this gaslighting, or just crossed wires?
For what it's worth, I feel like he should have just said he didn't want to book time off during the kids holidays, as I think that's what kicked this off.

I wouldn't be able to remember the precise details of an argument months ago, either - sounds like he's forgotten rather than pretending you said something he knows you didn't say.

Not sure I understood, but the arguument is about him randomly taking months off work and making out that it is because of the kids?

Why does he really not want to work? Maybe if you discuss that, rather than what each of you said months ago, then you might make progress?

No its not gaslighting.

I'm getting pretty fed up with people using 'gaslighting' as a description for every crappy behaviour.

No, it's not gaslighting.

There does seem to be some fundamental relationship issues here, if he is opting out of responsibilities, both kids & work, and leaving the burden to you.

I think it's best to avoid dragging up old arguments from months ago (I do realise it was him who did this, not you) as it will always be difficult to remember the details. I think it's best to keep calmly sticking to the facts of the moment (eg if he's not working at a certain time, he needs to do all the stuff with the kids and the house as that's only fair) rather than dredging up old disagreements.

Is he generally a good partner and a good dad? I wouldn't object to my partner taking some time off during term time (he has five weeks annual leave, and usually takes one of them during term time) because he works hard and needs a break. I get more time off on a regular basis (I work part time so have Fridays off while the kids are at school). It's all ok IMO as long as you're both contributing to the partnership. Do you feel that he's not pulling his weigh more generally, leaving aside the issue of time off work?

No, it’s two people having an argument about old grievances.

Both of you have bees in your bonnet about work and money. Why not try to work them out constructively. You don’t need another accusation to throw around in this argument. Or least your children don’t need to be around two parents throwing dirt at each other.

And not remembering correctly what was said in anger months ago would apply to both of you. That’s not gaslighting. It is merely an indication of how pointless arguments are. Nobody is thinking straight and nobody is listening in an argument.

Technically it IS gaslighting if he is changing the past and telling you he said things he didn't and you said things you didn't ect...

However in this case the better words for it would be 'being an asshole'.

You pulled him up on his shite several times and he doesnt like it. He doesnt want paternity leave, he wants to sit on his ass all day when his kids are at school. You know this and told him so - and he doesn't like that you've realised.

Tbf there is nothing wrong with him wanting some children free time off but the problem is the way he is going about it. He sounds somewhat contemptuous of you for your 'time off' and like he is reversing that onto you.

Perhaps he thinks that he works oh so much harder than you and childcare is beneath him and 'not work'. But heaven forbid he should have to do it.

Basically, at best he doesn't seem to like you very much. And at worst he isnt a nice person...wou doesnt seem to like you very much.

Says looking after children is 'time off' until actually asked to look after children in his time off. Then it's all he's not allowed time off. Sort of gaslighting but mostly I diagnose selfish pig male.

No, it is not gaslighting.

I wouldn’t describe it as gaslighting but he does sound like an arse

To be honest if he regularly claims you have said or done things you know you haven't, this COULD be gaslighting. It's not possible to really say. From your post, probably not but is there more to this?

As you say, "to be fair", you were annoyed by him taking such a long time off for Christmas, and that's what he remembers. You're bickering about the precise details of what you said, but he does remember the gist right. He might feel as if you are gaslighting him, as it sounds like you're saying you weren't annoyed about that.

You're getting all het up about this when you should be discussing the issue of you having to do most of the childcare and housework when you both work.

Sorry, didn't mean to offended anyone by using the wrong terminology.
It's the way he said I had said things I hadn't actually said to suit his narritive and then when I pointed this out, made it about him generally taking time off and shut down the conversation.
I must have misunderstood.Will put it down to crossed wires.
Thanks for everyone's input.

Sounds like you are both pretty pissed off with one another generally?

Sounds like your version of 'stay at home' and his version are way different, yours included mat leave and looking after the kids, his is about him and him only.