Help after leaving an abusive relationship

[Appleofmyeye05]

Hello I’ve posted in here as I am a long term poster and have read plenty of fab advice in this particular forum.

So long story short I left an abusive relationship around this time last year and I am starting to realise now how badly it has effected me and the long term damage I feel has been done.

The relationship was physically violent, financially but more so emotionally. I was with my ex for a total of 3 years, I did leave at the end of the second year however soon found out I was pregnant so tried again for another year. During the last year, although pregnant, I had a massive strain put on me in all ways, I was responsible for doing literally everything for everyone (household, emotional punchbag, financial support, literally being everyone’s carer) with no thanks and in the end I realised it wasn’t healthy at all. My ex would use sleep deprivation as a manipulation tool and there was never any kind of quality time spent with myself or my son and we were basically left to our own devices whilst he went out and got pissed and drugged up. This being said, he would gas light me into believing I was lazy and did nothing and that he did everything so I would strive to do everything to his standard and demands but it was obviously never enough.

So, today I feel like I’m really struggling to make new relationships, not so much romantic as I’m not in the head space for that just yet. I do have a couple of close friends that I kept throughout the abusive relationship but as a mum with a now toddler I want to make new friends with similar ages children but I’m finding it so hard.

I feel like the brain fog I have is so extreme that I can’t even hold a conversation properly and loose track of what I’m saying or the point or what I’m saying mid conversation. I rarely laugh anymore or find anything funny as any attempts at making light of something or having a joke with my ex were met with a straight face so in the end so just stopped. I feel like I’m very serious all of the time and I just can’t seem to shake it. I feel like I’ve lost my personality and still am in kind of the mode that was before but mentally and don’t consider myself interesting at all.

I probably do have some kind of depression but I feel I do manage this well and our day to day life is fantastic now my ex is no longer in the picture. I may well need some sort of counselling but as it stands I just don’t have the funds to support this and I’m aware the waiting list for counselling from the NHS is quite long, so is there any types of material or books anyone has read to ease these symptoms or help them work through the trauma they have been through?

I feel I have made a few tiny steps with my healing journey but I’m stumped at what I can do.

Sorry it’s long but thanks for reading.

How old is your little one ? Would it be worth having a chat with your Health Visitor to see if she can get you any talking therapies sooner ?

My little one is 16 months old. Yeah that is a great idea, I didn’t even think of them

The brain fog should have lifted by now from the abusive jerk. Of course you will still be working through issues because of that treatment but the foggy part should be gone (usually takes around a few months after leaving, provided there isnt much repeated contact going forwards).

I suspect it may be depression based right enough. They and get lots of sun and exercise. I hear a sun lamp works wonders!

Might be looking to see if there are any mum and baby groups that meet in your area. Have a Google maybe?

Op I've been in a ltr with an abuser the only thing that helps in these situations is.
Try your hardest not to put your energy in the past.
Talking medication cbt doesn't take the pain away it just prolongs it.
Find some new happiness like brand new something you have always wanted to do but haven't got around to it.
Keep mentally away from the past.
Put your negatives into positives.
Look on the good side. Ie what a wonderful future you can have with your dc.
Remember you can't control what people say and do all you can do is not be effected by nasty individuals.

Try and find contentment so you don't go through this again. As if you live a contented life then it's hard for abusers to find their way in. Most of all take care of number 1 as no one else can. People can only ever guess. All the best you will get through this as their is no other option.

Thanks your for responses

@Wanderlusto I do have regular contact with my ex regarding our child. Sometimes it can be quite easy and straight forward, other times it can be quite toxic and argumentative if he has flaked out on seeing my son at the last minute or is withholding maintenance (he knows I relay on this) so it’s hit and miss. He has been seen on dating sites which I’m not bothered about at all but he has left me alone since this and being some what normal.

@Tomyoneandonly thank you. I’m not sure if anyone can ever fully heal from these types of experiences but I don’t want to have it shoved in a mental box and then develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, albeit I probably have some already as I am a bit of a stress eater. I don’t drink often as I don’t like how it makes me feel and i like to think I am trying to lead a positive life and lifestyle. It’s been a year but I guess it’s still only been a short time!