Relationship with dad

[peanutbutterporridge]

Backstory. I had a great relationship with my dad growing up. I was a total daddy’s girl and he adored me. I went to boarding school at 16 and my parents’ already rocky marriage deteriorated. They divorced in my early 20s and dad met someone else who I really like. They’re great for each other and I’m very happy he’s happy. I’m now mid 30s, and the last 10 years (since he has remarried), contact has lessened between us. He doesn’t call unless it’s my birthday, and so I will call him about once a week usually. He is kind, and sends birthday/Christmas cards and money, but there isn’t much thought in this. His wife is very close to her own children and by extension he is now also very close to her kids too. Whenever we see each other (usually just at Christmas), he seems more interested in their lives than in mine/my brother’s. Loves talking about them, or to them when they’re there. I’m genuinely happy he gets on so well with them but don’t understand why he is so disinterested in my life now, especially after we had such a good relationship when I was growing up. I had a baby 6 months ago and thought this would change his contact but I still don’t hear from him. I have to call him and he doesn’t always seem interested in talking or seeing me/his granddaughter. Am I being unreasonable to expect more contact? Should I just stop calling? Has anyone else experienced this? I haven’t spoken to him about this. He’s not really one to talk about feelings.

I guess if he sees them more, he is more involved in their lives. You say you only see each other at Christmas so that won’t help you be close to each other.
In my experience, it is the women in families that keep them together.
Maybe he finds it hard to relate to you now as you are not in each other’s lives much?
I don’t think you are unreasonable but it’s just the way things are, unless you can see each other more often?
My Ddad is useless and I am low contact but I’vejust accepted that we are very different and we can’t relate to each other. It’s no-ones fault.

However you sound like you had a much better relationship with yours growing up , so unless you don’t live close, I would try and visit more.

Thanks. Yes, I should visit more. I live abroad now so it's more difficult. I lived in the U.K. for 10 years before moving last year, and he visited me twice. I did used to visit more, but it has become less frequent in the last few years. 😞 feeling sad about this recently. I think more because of my baby and how I'd love her to have a good relationship with him. Her other grandparents are obsessed.

That’s really sad, OP, and must be very hard to cope with. I agree with the pp that some men do just take the easiest, least effort route with family relationships and so would engage with whoever their wife arranges contact with. But that’s shit, and does not excuse him. Perhaps write an brief but honest letter to him? Mention some good memories from your childhood, and explain your wish for an ongoing closeness that includes your daughter.

Yes, that does make it tricky then as you can’t really be in each other’s lives.
I feel your pain though - I live 2 hrs from my Dad and have done so for 17 yrs. he’s visited me once when my DD was a baby!

My DStepMum always tries to guilt trip me over lack of contact but there has been too many times where I have made the effort to see him and I wish I hadn’t bothered, as he is just not interested. I do think he finds it hard to relate to me though and also the world. He’s kind of stuck in the 70s.

It is sad, like you say when you now have your own baby. At least she has the other Grandparents and maybe when she gets older, things will improve ie when she can communicate (as some men are not good with the baby stage).
🌺

@PussInBin20

Yes, that does make it tricky then as you can’t really be in each other’s lives. I feel your pain though - I live 2 hrs from my Dad and have done so for 17 yrs. he’s visited me once when my DD was a baby!

My DStepMum always tries to guilt trip me over lack of contact but there has been too many times where I have made the effort to see him and I wish I hadn’t bothered, as he is just not interested. I do think he finds it hard to relate to me though and also the world. He’s kind of stuck in the 70s.

It is sad, like you say when you now have your own baby. At least she has the other Grandparents and maybe when she gets older, things will improve ie when she can communicate (as some men are not good with the baby stage).
🌺

That is really tough. Once in 17 years is nothing. It feels so one sided when I am always the one to message or call.