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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Will my kids better off to be with their dad?

6 replies

ErinAoife · 15/04/2021 21:23

I am feeling absolutely useless since my separation 4 years ago and finding increasingly hard to cope with all the responsibilities. My ex is supposed to coparent with me but the majority is left to me. Today, I told my ex that I did not like our eldest son attitude since he turned 18, he think that he can do whatever he wants because he is now 18, I don’t have many rules in my house, my kids have a lot of freedom, the rules are doing their best in school, no tv in their bedroom, let me know if they are not going home for dinner, no girlfriend overnight during school week (no issue for the girlfriend to stay during the weekend or holiday). Reply from ex is yes our son is spending too much time with his girlfriend but his school work is ok and he is 18 now so he can do what he wants. No wonder I am going no where and our son doesn’t show me any respect by disobeying the rules as his dad let up him do whatever he wants when he is at his place, I am always the one who has to be the bad guy as the ex never say no to him or our other kids. I had issue a few months back with our younger son, I refused to buy a video game as he was missing too much of his online classes and my ex knew about it but what the ex did, he bought the game. He bought as well tv for their bedrooms in his place even for the 6 years old despite when we were together he did agree that there should be no tv in their bedroom. If any issue arise with the kids I always tell my ex but on his side very rarely he will tell me anything, and if he did It will be me that will have to sort out the problem, an example of an issue that has arisen was that last year each time my daughter came back from his place, she had lice. After complaining about the lice infection for months to him, he suddenly realised that the problem was one of the girls our daughter was playing in his estate but instead of sorting it himself, I had to contact the parents despite not knowing them as he did not want to do it as he said they were dirty., I had to contact the mother myself and she was absolutely lovely about the situation, I told her that my daughter has lice and because she was spending so much time with her daughter, I wanted to let her know just in case her daughter got them because of our daughter. The mother treated the child and since no more issue with lice. Ex will never have sorted the issue since he did not affect him, I was the one having to do the lice treatment after each visit to his place, I was spending a fortune on lice treatment for 3 months before he finally told the source of the problem. I am so fed up to always be the bad guy that I am thinking he should have the kids constantly like that when I see them ever fortnight they will be no argument and I would have a clean house instead of the mess I am living. So fed up.

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 15/04/2021 21:46

he is the problem, and no your kids will not be better off with their dad as he is clearly playing them off against you

ive no advice on how to fix it but i just wanted to say you are doing a great job, working against another usless parent. you are no longer coparenting, you are parenting alone and he is playing disney dad

Aprilshowersandhail · 15/04/2021 21:50

Op I was you.
. My exh was your exh..
They went nc with him as teens. Needed boundaries - their words

Stick at it op. My teens really need me. And 1 is 19.

Rgy3250999 · 15/04/2021 21:56

Don’t give up on your kids. Their father is the issue and they aren’t better of with him. Yes he will get an easier time of it by being a pushover, but you’re the one that is teaching them life lessons and ensuring they grow up to have respect. One day they will see who cared and put in the effort, despite their challenging behaviour at times and who just gave in because he couldn’t really care. Keep going and stay strong xx

Aprilshowersandhail · 15/04/2021 22:03

My dh spent years trying to undermine me and poison the dc against me. I was tbh a salmon swimming upstream for years.

ThatsAllFolks · 15/04/2021 22:32

Don't give up. U got this already. U won already. I've done this alone for nigh on 21 years. Ex can fuck off if he wants a piece of the adult child

ErinAoife · 15/04/2021 22:34

I am just so fed up to be the one always saying no, always having arguments with the kids. The kids see their father as the fun one, me as the mean one.I don't have my family closed to me, i moved in this country to be with my now ex husband. I have a good relationship with one of his sister and his mother but the other siblings and rest of family don't care much about me so I stop making an effort with them, I still bring the kids to visit them and invite them to big events but that is all. In nearly 4 years, I can count in one hand and still have fingers left how many time his brother and wife have come to my house. My house is an absolute mess, the kids never tidy after themselves, my own fault as I have given up as always fed up to ask them to do it so I get demoralised by the task, the only thing I managed to keep clean is the kitchen. I work full time and don't really have much free time except when the kids are at their dad which is only one evening during the week and every second weekend and two weeks during the summer. He will only take them 10 days as as he told me he is entitled to have his own spare time and shouldn't have to spend all his holiday with them.

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