I judge my friend and feel terrible about it.

[Maria53]

I have a close friend who is in a relationship with another friend with a terminal illness (not cancer), both about 40.

I was completely shocked when they entered into a relationship as I never saw any chemistry between them & she always said she had no attraction to him. But when he admitted his feelings she decided to give it a go.

1 week after they entered into a relationship, he told her he had just received a terminal illness diagnosis (a long drawn out descent). My opinion is
he already knew about it and kept it from her. Symptoms were obvious for quite a long time, so it was just a formality imo.

1 year in, his symptoms are worsening & he has become a complete recluse. My friend is still so vibrant & full of life and she feels alone. He wont even go for walks with her and she does all the shopping.

She phones me to chat about it & I burst into tears afterwards (though I don't tell her this). She now says his moods have worsened & she is struggling to know what is his personality and what is the illness.

And I judge her for being with him and hate myself for it. I think she signed up to be his carer for her life and it is already making her miserable. Last time we spoke she said she will make decisions that will 'make him happy' and I wonder what happened to my independent friend who cared about her own needs and wants.

How can I stop judging her like this? I know it isn't fair and that is most be awful for them but I do keep thinking it

What is the illness if its not cancer?

ElspethFlashman

What on earth has that got go do with anything? Jeez, there are loads of life limiting illnesses that aren't cancer sadly.

OP that sounds so heavy, can understand your sadness

I don't want to say as I feel it would be very outing. But once symptoms begin the person can die between 10 to 20 years on average I believe. It is a decline over time but I have noticed his symptoms worsen quite rapidly.

I consider myself to be an empathetic, decent person. But her I am judging her.

He was treading over boundaries early in the relationship. And now here she is, so vivacious and lots of life to live. This just isnt the life I want for her and I feel safe about it

Sad* sorry

I don't know if you are judging you are being objective as you are not emotionally involved.
I would continue to support Yr friend but try not to get too involved yourself.
It sounds as if she's opening up to you.
You don't really know the dynamics of the relationship, maybe she feels the need to care for someone.
Anyway she doesn't have to stay with him does she? It's her life.

Aren’t you actually judging him? Perhaps understandably. And feeling for her.

.

@Ilovetheseventies yes she said she had talked to another friend about it but would rather talk to me as I know them both. I need to look after myself too

@SparklingLime maybe? That would be a nice way of looking at it! I think I feel angry towards him for knowing he had this & pressing ahead anyway with this big declaration. I think he is selfish but then he also must be scared himself. His mother begged him to come back to his home country so his family could care for him but he refused. Now he is shacked up with my friend.

I personally see a kind of parental aspect to the relationship which I find odd.

Last time we spoke she said she will make decisions that will 'make him happy' and I wonder what happened to my independent friend who cared about her own needs and wants.

Why don't you ask her?

* I think she signed up to be his carer for her life and it is already making her miserable. Last time we spoke she said she will make decisions that will 'make him happy' and I wonder what happened to my independent friend who cared about her own needs and wants.*

YANBU, I would feel exactly the same as you OP. Only you know your friend best but I would have to say something to her. Maybe she wants to leave him but doesn’t know how to go about it?

@drpet49 early on when he had just admitted his feelings she told me she worried that if they did get involved and it didn't work out, she would struggle to leave because of his illness.

I personally would not have stayed with him past the 6 month mark because he over stepped boundaries one too many times.

Years ago a close friend who was like a sister to me asked for my true opinion on her then partner (he was abusive). I told her as diplomatically as I could and she never contacted me again - I would hate to lose her friendship

You are very judgmental and nosy.

It’s her life though, she is choosing to care for him, stay with him, whether it’s out of moral obligation or love. There’s not a lot you can do however much you care for your friend.

Maybe distance yourself. You care too much. It wil wear you down and ruin the friendship.

Could you tell her you are worried about her and the amount she has taken on and help her access external support? Is there a charity that specialises in this illness?

I don't think you're judging her, just maybe disappointed that she's made a choice that's so detrimental to her?

She's obviously an amazing person to stick by him even though it is obvious he must have had a clue about his illness.

I would say that you are concerned that she's not got the quality of life that she used to have and ask if there anything you can do to help her have a bit of respite from caring from him?

I know you don't want to give the name of the disease, but it sounds remarkably like Huntington's Disease. If so, the diagnosis process takes very much longer than one week.

Also, if it is, there is very likely to be significant personality changes, with the individual becoming rigid, manipulative and deceitful - sort of like an aggressive dementia. This would also account for the changes in his personality that have already taken place.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. Sadly I speak from personal experience of this disease.

The reason it's relevant is that it's very different to looking after someone with cancer. With Huntington's - and diseases like this - you can lose the essence of the person, sometimes quite early on. The changes can be very stark and difficult to live with. As I say, the closest comparison I can make is a rapidly progressing dementia.

If this is what's going on, your friend will really need you in the days ahead.

I wonder what's going on for you to be so angry with her about wanting to care for someone else? If you can figure that out, you'll have a chance of addressing it.

Do you at some level feel excluded since they got together? Do you resent the fact she doesn't have much time for you? Or that you can't do the fun things together that you want? Or is it making you feel guilty (perhaps on a subconscious level) about not helping him? (Note to say, you shouldn't feel guilty but the mind works in mysterious ways). Are you harbouring resentment that she misled you in the past by saying she wasn't interested?

People stick with their partners through difficult times, support them through illness. While this is really hard for her, it seems a bit odd that you're angry at her. You need to figure out what's going on - only you know what's underneath it all.

I think you need to ask her if she is happy.

I think I'd be encouraging her to have a professional relationship with a counsellor. I'd say to her that she is going to need the help of one, at some point, if the illness is going to get worse and more debilitating. She is going to need help to work out how to help him through his woes and feelings, and how to come to terms with the end of life - his life and what that will mean for her. A counsellor will have had more experience of different permutations than you have had, and points of reference based on their studies and training.

These are difficult issues for anyone, arguably hard for her in a different way than for someone, for instance, who shared children with him and could channel their empathy and altruism into making a situation more bearable for their children, so it wouldn't only centrally about sacrificing her pleasure to make his quality of life nicer. This thread is a bit like one of those hypothetical moral dilemmas, or the theme of stage play, because it's singular in its focus on give and take between two people: love and life.

It wouldn't be easy for you to ask how this love came over her when she didn't feel it all the time she knew him as a friend, or to probe how she sees her future evolving. Better to encourage the involvement of s counsellor.

@Diverseopinions I think I struggle to believe in the romantic connection between them.

A counsellor is a great idea in theory but she doesnt have much money at the moment as she was sacked during the lockdown as her company folded. A PP mentioned charity support - I will mention that to her as she would surely benefit from talking to others who have been through it

@Kat6901

You are very judgmental and nosy.

@Kat6901

And carrots are orange. Don't just slap a statement like that out to make yourself feel more worthy. If you have something like that to say then at least back it up with a recommendation for change or some guidance. Or say nothing. Bloody pointless.

OP, it sounds like you are worried for your friends future. I think at the moment all you can do is be there for her. Be a listening ear. In time you maybe able to open up with her more. But only if she opens up first. I wouldn't plough in there with your distrust for her partner straight away.
Sometimes all we can do is watch and wait.
You could also plan fun things to do with her. Make sure she enjoys her time with you.

Your "concern" is crossing a boundary in my view and I am interested that you describe the male friend as not respecting boundaries when you are doing the same.

If your friend is seeking support to leave, that would be a legitimate reason for you to be involved. But if not then why the angst? Letting go of judgement is hard because we are bombarded with it daily. Having an opinion on others' choices is completely normalised. But my view is we need to accept that people have their own lives to lead, that we have very little influence on their choices and we should actively seek to have very little influence on their choices. It takes practice bit it's a lot calmer and feels very emotionally healthy.

You care about your friends and that's great but as per your other friend who cut you off by trying to help her with an abusive partner, the point is that you are right to voice genuine concerns for those you care about but if they are adults they have the choice to accept or ignore your advice. You have done all you can and when advice comes from a place of genuine concern you never need to worry. Your friend is an adult and ultimately determines her own life. You can express concern but do not feel guilty for her choices - empower her with empathy and information and she will have the knowledge to decide how to proceed.

Since posting she called me to discuss. Says he is behaving out of control, which has worried me a bit.

He is not just moody but also regularly stone walling her. He had to apologise to someone after an aggressive outburst (over the phone).

She is going to stay with family for some respite which I'm glad about and he isnt going with her. She said if it weren't for the illness she would have left by now. She says she is really wondering if this is her life now. I just listened.

I saw some resources online by chance which I will send to her @2021misshopeful you are right and I've had good advice. Thank you.