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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this normal?

25 replies

Felic23 · 15/04/2021 19:22

Hi
Would really appreciate opinions from people who don't know me personally and can look at this objectively.
My partner and I are both single parents with little to no help. He lives 15 minute drive from me.
His Son does not see his Mother and my Son does see his Dad but has been on and off due to mental health issues (his Dad has)
After 6 years of being together we are still dating basically, we have busy lives- me more so and are finding less and less time to be together. Our children get along OK but not great and are both early teens. The problem is after all the years of being together we have never really blended because of lots of issues but mainly because we have just not put the effort in and ultimately haven't really wanted to. My partner wants us to move in but I'm reluctant as I have a secure council property that I would never get again if we split. I also feel like after 6 years we should have geld in each others lives more but we haven't. We have tried commiting to regular sleep overs etc but never really continues after a few weeks. It all feels like a lot of effort to maintain with an already very busy single life mum with working, school runs, helping my elderly mum, sons after school activities etc. I just don't want to throw a good relationship away and we are great together but am I just kidding myself. I'm not happy and neither is he but its more the circumstances that are the issue or is it us? Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:

category12 · 15/04/2021 19:40

It seems to me quite sensible to live apart if your dc don't get on particularly well and you would lose your security. Maybe you could make long term plans to move in together - ie. when the boys are off to uni or whatever, he moves in with you or you marry?

What's weird is that you struggle to make the effort to spend time together, though? I'd have thought you would want to - if you're not that bothered to make the effort, then surely moving in together would be a mistake?

Wanderlusto · 15/04/2021 19:45

Your post is a little contradictory. You describe it as a 'good relationship' but also say you are not happy.

What would make you happy in the eelqtio ship, without taking away your security of the council flat (because no, I wouldn't want to give that up either).

Perhaps write down a list of the key problems. And then get together and write down another list of things you are both willing to do to fix these problems.

If in 3 months time, no changes have been made or, if they are made but then reversed later on,then maybe it will be time to draw a line under things.

Parkerwhereareyou · 15/04/2021 19:50

I think the very reason it's all more of a hassle and harder to fit in is because you DON'T live together.

If you lived in the same house, there'd be no 'commuting' eg and he'd just be to hand all the time.

However, if the kids are not great together, and you'd lose your independence with the house, then these are very real concerns.

I'm struggling a bit to see what you are together for. If it's a pain to drive 15 mins to him, then ... ? Is this for the sex? The security? Maybe you need to start by asking yourself that.

If you are great together then I think the actual problem is this disjointed life. So I understand why his next move is, let's move in.

Make or break time.

Parkerwhereareyou · 15/04/2021 19:51

Maybe keep on your house and pretty much move in with him, to try it out. If no good, you can go back to your house. ? Say let's see how it goes for 3/6 months?

Haggisfish · 15/04/2021 19:52

I would stay in your property until dc have left home and see how it is then.

Aprilshowersandhail · 15/04/2021 19:52

Bare in mind teens biologically related usually hate living together most of the time . Can't imagine moving in together would be a positive move for any of you op.

category12 · 15/04/2021 19:53

@Parkerwhereareyou

Maybe keep on your house and pretty much move in with him, to try it out. If no good, you can go back to your house. ? Say let's see how it goes for 3/6 months?

If the neighbours report her council house is standing empty, she risks losing it.

RandomMess · 15/04/2021 19:53

Have you posted before?

It's not forever is it? The DC will grow up, your could potentially go on a shared tenancy with you.

You absolutely need to protect your independence/finances by keeping your tenancy.

HeddaGarbled · 15/04/2021 19:56

Do you mean he wants you to move in with him and give up your social housing? Any possibility of doing it the other way around?

Original poster

Felic23 · 15/04/2021 20:03

Thanks for all replies, no we couldn't move into my flat as there is not enough space but that would be a good option if there was. I think we are bothered but practically its so hard to make it work or move forward. A date night here and there and cups of tea every couple of days isn't enough any more. Neither of us want to leave our own child at home to spend time in the other ones house and dragging pre teens around after school etc doesn't work.

OP posts:

Original poster

Felic23 · 15/04/2021 20:05

The problem absolutely is the disjointed life but moving into together is too risky for me, I dont earn a lot of money and if it didn't work I would have no security/any home or anything to fall back on.

OP posts:

category12 · 15/04/2021 20:06

I'm a bit confused, are the children teens or pre-teens?

As time goes on it'll get easier to see each other though - the older your sons are, the more independent they'll get and need less running after.

You only live a quarter of an hour apart, it just seems strange it's an issue.

Original poster

Felic23 · 15/04/2021 20:09

We have got in a bit of a toxic tit for tat situation where both of us feel like the other needs to put more effort in but neither of us do. Its really hard as its got down to what's fair for example if he comes over to mine he is leaving his child at home so its fair that I do it the next time but its all got really childish.

OP posts:

Original poster

Felic23 · 15/04/2021 20:09

They are 11 and 12

OP posts:

Squeejit · 15/04/2021 20:10

Personally I think it sounds like the ideal set up! I’ve been in a stepfamily set up with difficult dynamics and I honestly think that blending teenagers sounds really difficult.
It’s only you and DP in the relationship and while it’s lovely if everyone gets along it seems unfair to unsettle everyone for the benefit of you two. And stress is no good for a relationship.
I’d just make a bit more effort to have date nights when the world starts to open up.

Original poster

Felic23 · 15/04/2021 20:31

Yes I agree and am not at all keen on the moving in idea as it would solve some problems but would definitely bring a whole host of others

OP posts:

sunnyzweibrucken · 15/04/2021 20:36

Once things get to the tit for tat stage it's usually the death of a relationship. You've tried to have regular sleepovers and those dwindled. Neither of you are making an effort to fit into each other's lives and usually that means your interest in each other has dwindled.

I definitely wouldn't give up your housing situation based on the status of the relationship now. I say continue to live apart until the DCs are older. And even though the dc don't get along why can't they come along if you're just meeting up at each other's homes? They don't have to do anything together, but at least neither of them is left alone at home. They might not love it but they will be fine. It's better than blending families under the same roof. And then you can meet up more often without it being the tit for tat situation.

And try to schedule at least one night a week, particularly a weekend to meet up. I don't think you have to live together and see each other day in day out to have a loving, fulfilling relationship. It's really quality over quantity.

Original poster

Felic23 · 16/04/2021 15:02

I think it has dwindled, this past year has been so hard and its just separated us so much to the point of not really having much of a relationship left.

OP posts:

Original poster

Felic23 · 16/04/2021 15:02

Thanks for your suggestions x

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 16/04/2021 15:04

Never ever give up that security, OP. You really would live to regret it very quickly.

billy1966 · 16/04/2021 17:42

Never give up your security.
You and your children depend on it.

Within 4/5 years you will be able to leave your teen for an evening out.

You have so much to lose if it goes wrong.

I can't imagine your child would liķe it either.

Your relationship sounds as if it may have just run its course.

Original poster

Felic23 · 16/04/2021 18:14

I know i have too much to loose witch leaves us with this is how its going to be for next x amount of years.

OP posts:

Original poster

Felic23 · 16/04/2021 18:17

Some have said it sounds ideal being able to cherry pick nice dates and gun times but tbh after years it gets frustrating being with a partner who has almost nothing to do with your life. Its impossible to suppprt each other properly or be there for each other.

OP posts:

Original poster

Felic23 · 16/04/2021 18:17

*fun times

OP posts:

cookiecreampie · 16/04/2021 19:15

Sounds like you're both incompatible and this isn't really going anywhere. Some people would be happy with this kind of set up but it doesn't sound like you are. So I think the only thing to do if moving in together isn't an option, is to end it.

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