Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Am i being unreasonable

18 replies

Dreamweaver9009 · 15/04/2021 15:15

I have been in a relationship for going on 9 yrs in November. We have a 3 yr old daughter together and a child each from previous marriages. When we met he was attentive and listened. He worked hard and there was an emotional connection. He then got another job that made more money but had no insureance so the medication he was on he couldnt afford and started to get heroin he lost his job. Its been an o. Going cycle for 8 yrs. We have moved 1 time a uear bc he loses a job as soon as we get settled. He overdosed about 4 amd a half years ago and switched from heroin to cocaine. He thinks bc he has a job he is a functioning addicted and should leave him be. I jave delt with it all pretty silently. Always believing each move it will be different. We are now 45 min away from his drug hub and he still gets stuff. The evn more infuriating part is as a stay at hime mom to our super active 3 year old is i dont ever get a break. She no longer naps unless in a car. If he isnt high he is drinking beer. Now he is complaini g bc when our daughter crashes at 8 i want to be left alone. I want to sleep. I dont want to feel obligated to have sex. Its all he wants bc he is on testosterone. I mean he is obsessed. He bitches about masterbation claims i should be happy he wants to have sex with me and not cheat like every other man.

I am happy with 2 times a week of sec. I mean i cant even flirt with him on a good day bc he expects sex. I cant wear yoga pants bc he expects sex. I was rapped at 12 by my father for 4 yrs. Its not a high priority on my list to have sex. I try and meet him half way. The last 2 weeks i got 2 nights of no sex or giving him a bj. Its exhausting if i tell him no he throws a fit and we will fight u til i jist give in.

I love him i do but i am i being unreasonable to just want to be left alone? I studied psychology so i see the signs but i cant do anything about it. He says he wants to change but he takes every little thing out on me and bitches about everything. I mean our toddler throws a fit its my fault. He doesnt pay attenting when driving and almost tbones another car nad he chases the car down. Its frustrating. Then to not be able to kiss him or sleep without feeling obligated to have sex. Or have it thrown in my face that is my jin to do it or he can find someone else

OP posts:

BluebellsGreenbells · 15/04/2021 15:20

Why are you still there?

Why haven’t you left?

What are you actually gaining from this relationship?

And what are your children getting from it?

Flyingbirdie · 15/04/2021 15:27

I cant believe that I am reading your post OP. it is very sad!
Do you have family or friends to support you? You need to stay away from him and leave him, you have been emotionally and physically abused and not realising it.

Please reach out in real life for help, family , friends, GP, charity please!

Original poster

Dreamweaver9009 · 15/04/2021 15:28

When he is sober and there he is a great person. He has more patients with our toddler and can play with her far better than i can.

As i said its a cycle i k ow whats going on but its hard bc i come from a very messed up family. I refuse to feel like i failed at life. Both my parents have been married 4 times with multiple kids. I dont want that. I also see how he treats his ex wife granted she is not a nice person but still i dont want to deal woth what he says about her. I also dont have a job or a car. We always make plans to get this and that done.
Like with the stimulus He was to get a truck for 3k and i was to put a down payment on a car and then get a jib. It never happened it went all to his truck and it cant even pass a state inspection.
We just uprooted and mover 45 min away from his problem and he now has insurance again.
I stay bc i have hope he will change and get help. He even says he does. I stay bc of the kids

OP posts:

Lozzerbmc · 15/04/2021 15:32

How is he a great person exactly? I think you’d be so much happier without him dragging you down. This isnt how a relationship should be you know... what does he do for you and your child? What support does he give you? None that i can see.

Lozzerbmc · 15/04/2021 15:36

And I dont think staying with this useless flaky drug taking, disrespectful, unsupportive man is any good for the kids at all. You are just teaching them its normal to be unhappy in a relationship and they’ll follow same pattern and repeat it in adulthood. Dont you want someone who truly loves you, wants you to be happy and supported?

Original poster

Dreamweaver9009 · 15/04/2021 15:37

He pays hos ex-wife 500 a month i child support i would never hear the end of it. I have no family. I have a small extended family in missouri but i refuse to leave my son to go there plus he would never let me leave. He is great with attending our daughters needs. And he shows me healthily when he is clean its like it comes in 2 week breaks. He is a firm believer thatbif work is good his homelife is in shatters and looks to me as if i am cheating. I have never and will never cheat. Its just not who i am morally.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dreamweaver9009 · 15/04/2021 15:39

I feel he does support us in a since. He works 6 to 7 days a week. He is functioning. We just barely ha g on when it comes to bills and i stay home

OP posts:

tenlittlecygnets · 15/04/2021 17:01

Op, what do you get out of this relationship? He's a horrible sex pest, druggie, he's horrible to you - what do you think your kids are learning from this shitshow of a relationship?

He's not a good dad. He's bloody awful. You and your dc deserve a lot more.

I'd do all you can to get away from him.

DoingItMyself · 15/04/2021 17:03

There's nothing good about this drug-addict sex-pest. Put your child and yourself first and leave.

category12 · 15/04/2021 17:11

I think the trauma of your childhood has brought you here, to a place where you're tolerating behaviour in a relationship that is just not OK, because, I don't know, you don't think you deserve any better? because you are desperate to feel secure & loved and he gives you crumbs of that?

You will continue the cycle into the next generation if you're not careful.

Being able to stay home with your dd is not fair exchange for coerced sex and life with an addict.

Cherrysoup · 15/04/2021 22:57

Sex pest drug addict. Lovely. Why are you with this delightful specimen?

Atalantea · 15/04/2021 23:00

When he is sober and there he is a great person

That's not enough. You deserve much much better

Yellowswan · 15/04/2021 23:30

Oh lovely, please reach out for some support irl. He is treating you terribly and you deserve so so much better. X

MsDogLady · 16/04/2021 04:26

I stay because of the kids.

Dreamweaver, you should leave because of the kids. Your children are being damaged in this chaotic, emotionally unsafe home.

Your partner’s toxicity is monumental. He is a drug addict/alcoholic who has overdosed and is always high or drinking. He can’t keep a job, so you have moved every year for 8 years. He treats you with contempt by constantly complaining, shifting the blame, and taking everything out on you. He also financially exploits you and sabotages your efforts to get transportation and work. He is a reckless, dangerous driver who could kill all of you. He is a sex pest/coercer who threatens to find sex elsewhere.

All of you are being abused. Your partner will never change. Please protect yourself and your children by finding a way to leave. They are being harmed and are at risk for choosing or becoming abusive partners in the future.

You are in desperate need of support. Can you access individual counseling?

Dontletitbeyou · 16/04/2021 06:17

Living with a sex pest druggie , however you want to put it , is not a good role model for your children . He’s NOT a great dad . You said he’s great with your daughters needs , I beg to differ . Your daughter NEEDS a Dad who is not a drug addict, end of . This is not a situation in which I would contemplate raising my DC , no matter how financially difficult it would be to leave . This is the kind of relationship they will most likely end up in when they’re older , as they will know no better . Teach them what a good healthy relationship looks like .

SunIsComing · 16/04/2021 06:44

Ltb. He’s a crap father. He’s a druggie. Maybe alcoholic. He’s a loser.

jannyapple · 16/04/2021 06:58

How is this heroin/cocaine using waste of space a partner/ father worth keeping ?
He's forcing you to have sex/ give him a blow job on demand ?
He can't afford medication but can afford drugs ?
Take your DC and walk out that door with your head held high
Please think about what you are doing to those children right now - how the formative years are being shaped - do you want that cycle to continue ?
My heart breaks for you that you seem to think this is ok ❤️

DinosaurDiana · 16/04/2021 06:59

Your children’s father/step father is a druggie.
Leave.

Flip