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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I dont know what im doing anymore

35 replies

C2021 · 15/04/2021 14:45

So I tend to be a bit of a commitment-phobe, I don't know where this comes from, but I've been like it for as long as I can remember and once I end one relationship, I jump straight into another one. I know and recognise this is wrong, I don't like to be alone or single but I also find I am just never happy no matter what.

1 year and a bit ago my then-girlfriend and I broke up after nearly 2 years because I messaged a girl that I have a history with on social media. All I messaged was 'can we speak' because at the time I genuinely needed someone to talk to about how I was feeling and of course my girlfriend wasn't happy about this and we broke up.

The girl I messaged is in love with me and always has been, we have known each other for a while and always had an on-off type relationship, mainly revolving around sex (its the best sex either of us has ever had) but I would also class this girl as one of my good friends because no one knows me as she does, I'm also very comfortable around her and she helps me through my problems and is always there for me. I literally have to cut her off every time I get into a relationship to resist the urge of anything happening between us because I am so attracted to her, I know this hurts her so bad but I also know she will always be there for me when everything falls apart. There is something about her, I know I'm an asshole but I have cheated on every one of my relationships just to be with her but thats it.

Since my ex and I broke up, I and this girl have been speaking constantly and spending a lot of time together, more than in the past, as I said she spends a lot of time at my apartment, we get on very very well so I love being around her and her being at my place so I usually tell her to stay for days on end, we come home from work, eat, chill and the sex is mental and it makes me happy. We have had pregnancy scares in the past, where as much as I saw it killed her inside, she got an abortion because she could see I was scared and unsure but I can't help but think about those times and how bad I've treated her and she still stays.

The thing is when we were teenagers she had a fling with at the time, two of my close friends, two separate occasions but when I found out it destroyed me so I can't make her my girlfriend and I've told her this but she stays anyway, so I don't think I am to blame for leading her on.
The other day I don't know why I did it but I met up with the ex and told the said girl about it. It got heated and words were exchanged and I told her again nothing would ever happen between us ever and she was very hurt and told me to please do her a favour and never contact her again, so I blocked her thinking she didn't mean it but it's been a few days and I feel sad and miss her and do have feelings for her but now my other ex is telling me she wants to try so maybe I will? but I still miss her and I know I'm gonna go back there again, but I don't know why.
What is the right thing for me to do here?

OP posts:

PriestessofPing · 15/04/2021 14:49

Leave women alone until you’ve grown up.

Original poster

C2021 · 15/04/2021 14:50

Being alone makes me depressed but i agree i need to grow up

OP posts:

Ruminating2020 · 15/04/2021 14:51

I think you need to spend time on your own to be honest and work out what you want. It doesn't have to be, if you can't have A, then there's always B.

Neither of these situations are healthy. Respect the other girl's request to leave her alone and not to contact again.

Original poster

C2021 · 15/04/2021 14:54

Thanks but being alone makes me very down so i dont know how to overcome that, also i know she has asked me to leave her alone but deep down i know she doesnt want that

OP posts:

Flyingbirdie · 15/04/2021 14:59

You need to be single and figure out what you want, forgive the long term sex partner girl's cheating in the past and get together with her, give a try; or cut your connection with her once for all.

Your on and off relationship and cheating with her didn't do you any good with any of your past relationships and it will not change for the future if you continue this way.

AnaViaSalamanca · 15/04/2021 15:01

i know she has asked me to leave her alone but deep down i know she doesnt want that

You don’t respect women much, do you mate?

hilariousnamehere · 15/04/2021 15:03

know she has asked me to leave her alone but deep down i know she doesnt want that

Before anything else you need to learn to listen to what women are saying and take it on board.

She says leave her alone. Leave her alone. It's not hard.

Original poster

C2021 · 15/04/2021 15:05

Yeah i get that and i didn't mean to come across as a dick, i just know ive hurt alot of people

OP posts:

Lozzerbmc · 15/04/2021 15:08

Agree with others - leave her alone if she is asking that!

As others said you need to spend time on your own to mature and understand what you want in a partner. Being in a relationship isnt the only thing in life.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 15/04/2021 15:08

Ruminating2020 · 15/04/2021 15:10

@C2021

Thanks but being alone makes me very down so i dont know how to overcome that, also i know she has asked me to leave her alone but deep down i know she doesnt want that

You're projecting and it shows a lack of maturity and respect for her wishes.

Lillygolightly · 15/04/2021 15:11

So you keep returning to this one woman, but won’t actually have a proper relationship with her because she had a fling years ago with one/two of your mates?

You cheat in your relationships too, so actually you are no better?

Is that right?

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 15/04/2021 15:12

You sound like a right wanker. I hope she realises how flaky you are and how much you're wasting her time and dumps you for good. You can shag around as much as you want, but she's not good enough for you because she had two other relationships in the past? Leave them all alone.

Sparklfairy · 15/04/2021 15:14

@C2021

Yeah i get that and i didn't mean to come across as a dick, i just know ive hurt alot of people

And yet you dont care enough to actually change.

MazekeenSmith · 15/04/2021 15:14

How old are you??
You claim to be in love with this woman yet you can't be with her because she had relationships with friends of yours? You need to grow up, and fast. So what if you're unhappy on your own? Women aren't your emotional support humans just there to make you happy. Cut her off and get some therapy.

Sakurami · 15/04/2021 15:16

What kind of fucked up person are you? She was a teenager when she slept with other people and can'tforgive that, you're a grown up and you cheat and use everyone.

I think you have avoidant issues and until you address those you're never going to have a happy relationship.

Until you do, leave women alone.

autumnalrain · 15/04/2021 15:17

Ergh

luciles · 15/04/2021 15:18

How old are you?

Rigamorph · 15/04/2021 15:40

Forgive the long-term ex for her old mistakes and be grateful that somebody loves you. There might never be another one who does.

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 15/04/2021 15:42

I'm gonna be fucking blunt here mate.

Women are not there as a support human cos you don't like being alone.

You need to work out how to be alone without women, and work really fucking hard on yourself.

You are a hypocrite and a user.

You use women to make you feel better.
You use them for sex.
You knowingly string someone along who you know has feelings for you.
You are being a massive hypocrite by cheating all the time, but judging the poor woman by her previous, long ago cheating.
How does your cheating not make you shit relationship material, if hers does??

Stay the fuck away from women.

FieldOverFence · 15/04/2021 15:43

@Sakurami

What kind of fucked up person are you? She was a teenager when she slept with other people and can'tforgive that, you're a grown up and you cheat and use everyone.

I think you have avoidant issues and until you address those you're never going to have a happy relationship.

Until you do, leave women alone.

This

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 15/04/2021 15:44

Seriously, can you not see how fucked up your attitude is??

Do you really think you are decent relationship material??

Grow up.

joystir59 · 15/04/2021 15:44

Grow up.

joystir59 · 15/04/2021 15:45

You are playing the field which is fine, but you aren't relationship material right now.

Crimeismymiddlename · 15/04/2021 16:06

Leave the women alone, let her move on with someone who respects, loves her and does not hold age old grievances against her for the reason you ‘can’t make her your girlfriend’ while cheating on all your girlfriends with her and treating her like a disposable commodity. You are an idiot and it is not surprising your ex dumped you.

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