DH diagnosed with depression in 2019, on Antidepressants and had some CBT (pre-COVID, completely gone since March 2020), got into using meditation, feeling stronger, more confident, all in all that aspect is going well.
But our relationship has suffered immensely. We weren’t in a good place before his diagnosis (2 small kids, full time jobs, neglected ourselves as a couple for a few years) but since the CBT and counseling he’s come to blame me a lot for his depression, and generally everything. As and when it suits him though. Sometimes it’s ‘all my fault’ and sometimes it’s from his childhood, depending on his mood. His counsellor also told him that I was emotionally abusive and he leant on that a lot afterwards (blaming me). Then 2020 hit and we’ve generally been in the shitter. He has managed to keep up his meditation which has included keeping a journal on his iPad which is meant to be about focusing on positives and all that.
He’s said he only thinks about me in a negative way now, we argue a lot and I think there’s very little trust left. But he changes his mind depending on his mood and after a particularly crap day I ended up reading his journal because I wanted to see where his head actually was.
His last entry yesterday was about how horrible I am and If we broke up I’d have no chance of finding someone now because I’m fat and flabby but that some new starts have joined his team and he’s Facebook stalked 2 of them and they are young and hot and one in particular is ‘just his type, slim with big boobs’ and if he gets the chance he might try ‘making a play’.
As you can imagine this has thrown me completely. I wish I hadn’t read it but now that I have... what do I do? Is this just some kind of fantasy thing he’s written down? Should I tell him I read it and get into that world of losing any shred of trust that might be there? He knows I know his password and he leaves the iPad out so it’s not like he’s being particularly careful in keeping it secret. I know I shouldn’t have broken that trust that I wouldn’t read it but I’m pretty much at a loss of how to understand him anymore.
We had a heart to heart last night (before he wrote the journal) and It came to light that because I’ve ‘taken the lead’ in our relationship and life (for which he calls me a control freak) because he’s always been reserved and introverted and not had a whole lot of ‘life experience’ (like practical stuff, we met in uni but he’d had very a very hands on mother who did everything for him) that he now feels stronger and more confident and wants to be ‘in charge’ of more (but couldn’t tell me what those things would be), but he’s angry at me that I didn’t just know that’s what he wanted and why I’ve been not letting him. Anyway I came out of that conversation with a better understanding of his frustrations and I thought he had a better understanding of how I saw things and why the relationship is how it is in terms of division of responsibility. But then he went and wrote that. I feel completely betrayed and I’m wondering if this is likely to be something that turns into a reality...? This is going to sound really cliche but I never thought he would even consider cheating on me and ruining our family. My own father did that and he knows how much it has fucked me up-for him to even contemplate doing that to his own kids makes me feel sick 
What should I do? I don’t want to walk away but I deserve better than to be in a loveless relationship where I’m at fear of him following his dick and screwing up our life. Is he likely to follow through with this??