Am I being selfish to the kids ?

[twittwoowho]

Long story short but married 15 years, 2 kids. I am not in love with him or attracted to him and I don't want sex with him. Felt this way for a few years. We are housemates and do own washing & food shop. No rows or arguments, we just bump along together like 2 hands on a clock who work around each other to keep the clock functioning. We have some short term plans together - holiday (if allowed !) going to a place which is his lifelong dream. We have also told the kids we are taking them on a dream holiday next year too.

I want to separate. Am I being selfish towards the kids by taking them away from their home (we would have to sell the house, we only moved in a year ago and the kids got to design their own rooms) and the holiday they have been promised and the lifestyle they currently have (I will struggle financially as a single parent if we split up).

Anyone got any similar experiences ?

Following & Bumping this for you op
Hopefully you will get some good replies
I totally get how you feel
💐

I don't have advice first hand or anything but from what I read on here most Mums feel this way when they want to separate. The guilt is overwhelming and they feel awful.

Your life with DH sounds amicable. If you don't fight or create a bad atmosphere for the children then it sounds like you will Co parent well when officially separated.

Of course life will change and upheavel is hard on everyone. But if you have the strength to pull through and continue loving your children then I'm sure everything will work out OK.

Is there definitely no bringing back the spark with DH? Is it well and truly gone? How long has it been gone for?

It was similar for me. Married a decade, two dc under 7 but no sex life and more like housemates. After much deliberation I decided my needs were as important as the rest of the family's, and I didn't want to replicate to my dc the template of marriage that I'd grown up with - my parents divorced when I went to uni. It's been bloody hard, I won't lie, and of course in an ideal world I'd have had dc with the man I stayed with. But the world is rarely ideal. I'm definitely happier - as is their dad! The dc have coped well and we have two happy homes for them. Financially we've been lucky with equity in the family home. And our split is very amicable.

Most adults who were children of later divorced parents who post on here say that they wish their parents had done it sooner.
Good luck. It's a horrible place to be and an incredibly difficult decision to make.

Just curious about moving in a year ago, to a new place? Presumably you were still not in love/ attracted to your husband when deciding this (no judgement)? Was it an effort to reignite things? You say you have felt the unattractiveness for a 'few years' - what stopped the attraction as it sounds like things were good just before then?

Thanks for all the replies. I was worried about being flamed.
@Newusertothis - sending big hugs to you, PM me if you would like to chat more about your situation/support each other
@JungleIsMassive - love the user name ! the spark went a long time ago for me. I always thought it was the house and if we moved to our new home then things would be OK. But being cooped up with DH for over a year now has made me realise that it was never the house. Its been gone for several years. I have been fooling myself and papering over the cracks.
@Misty9 - however did you make the final decision ? I have been antagonising over it now for months. I don't want to make a final decision and it to be the wrong one. Good to read that you have come out of it all at the other end and are happy.
@2021misshopeful - I thought it was the house situation we were in and moving to a new home would solve it all. But it wasn't and it hasn't. I've just had enough of DH tbh - his v long term mental issues which he won't get help for, his habits are dirty, he has no energy or get up and go, he dresses like a slob tbh and picks clothes up off the floor to wear after walking over them, I don't want sex with him let alone even just kiss him, I feel nothing towards him, he spends a lot of time gaming/sitting on the sofa.

I dream of my own house, I can come and go as I please (when I don't have the kids), I don't have to tell him where I am going every time or when I will be back - currently feels like I am 15 again and living at home. And quite frankly I want to date, to feel attractive again. I don't want to dress up sexy for DH, ever. I don't want to be attractive to DH. We have nothing to talk about apart from the kids and this holiday he has planned for us. I dread going out to the pub/dinner with him as we can be over and done with in an hour as nothing to say to each other. Its embarrassing. But he doesn't feel it (undiagnosed aspergers I/we suspect). But, I don't have enough money to buy my own house or buy him out.

We are amicable at the moment but I highly suspect that he would be a complete A-hole to me once I mention separation. We would have to live under the same roof for quite some time. It would/could be hell. Ideally, in the short term, I would like to live under same roof, we have own money but pay joint for house (mortgage) and kids, separate sleeping (we don't have a spare room though), we each have the kids eow at the house so the other can have a week-end off if they want it/see friends etc. We are friendly, amicable and respectful of each other .. but I cannot see him agreeing to any of this.

I feel so very trapped.

This won’t be a popular view but I do think where there is no abuse it is better to stay for the children, yes.

@Clementinesandtulips - I can see your reasoning for saying this.

There is no abuse - I am just terrible lonely and unhappy. However, saying that there is sometimes an element of tip toeing around him to keep the peace eg if he is in the kitchen cooking then I daren't enter as he gets stroppy if I even go in for a cup of tea while he is cooking. The kids will whisper to me ''dads angry'' if he is in the living room getting cross with the tv and raising his voice and swearing sometimes too. Never any aggression aimed at us.

We don't eat together or sit together, he says I talk too much about nothing (he would prefer to sit in silence all eve) and that it annoys him, he says my singing annoys him, he wouldn't eat anything I cook (hence I never cook for him, he wont eat anything cooked by anyone else either except a restaurant). He prefers to sit alone in silence gaming and watching tv. Def not my thing. He is always cold and tired from being lethargic. He cannot make a decision without me. He cannot organise anything without me. He is a man child.

Thing is, you have kids together so you will still have to interact him and share access with him. In your situation I would be weighing up if separating and dealing with him at arms length is better or worse than the current situation.

How are you going to feel when he has the kids and is solely responsible for them during his access times?

How old are the DC? Is taking a long term view, staying for another year and giving them the dream holiday before going for a full on separation an option?

What you list there is a form of abuse, OP, so I will change my response based on that.

However I do feel (forgive me for saying this) your focus is very much on what you want in the future and I think that in the aftermath of the split the focus must be on the children.

I hope you understand why I’m saying this. It’s not to give you a hard time.

I do not think staying together for the sake of the children is necessarily a good idea if the atmosphere at home is tense.

You need to put your own needs and feelings more towards the top @twittwoowho

Whatever you decide to do I wish you the best of luck. You deserve to be happy.

This feel similar to my relationship at the moment. We went to couples counselling on Monday and I left thinking that we were both headed for a split. We both communicated quite clearly whilst there and both feel separate in the relationship. I said I was getting nothing out of the relationship, except a roof over my head. For me the relationship is over, although my partner has been trying to make an effort I just feel that I'm done. I've compromised for the last 12years and I want more from a relationship. And I don't want my children to grow up and think this is acceptable. Like you, no abuse, we generally get on but god it's so lonely! And you shouldn't feel lonely in a relationship. Currently trying to build up to telling him it's over. No idea how it will go, no clue how we will sort out living arrangements. I suspect we will have to live together until we can sell the house. I feel sick thinking about it all to be honest. As a child of parents who divorced when I was 3, it never bothered me that my parent were divorced. It bothered me that they hated each other forever!!! They could even be together when we were all grown up - And I don't want it to come to that.

@Clementinesandtulips - yes, its very much focused on me and (without meaning to sound patronising, I don't mean to be) that is the title of my thread ''am I being selfish to the kids''. It' so difficult to know what to do for the best. I don't think you are giving me a hard time at all. Waiting until after the holiday next year is an option. Separating would be a hell of a lot worse than it is now, atm its just me who is bored and lonely. To separate will mean there is anger, hurt and tears from him, the kids and potentially his parents too. I could speak to DH about being bored and lonely but tbh I don't want to try to fix it, not with him. None of it is fixable with him, in my eyes. I don't want to be with him anymore, I don't want to be married anymore.
@LeftyLou - it's not tense but rather stale at home. My youngest comments that me and dad never kiss or cuddle. He surely knows there is something not right then.

I have absolutely no interest in what DH is doing at all, if he had an affair it would be the icing on the cake for me as it's an exit excuse and I wouldn't be to blame. But there is no way he would have an affair.

Does he know how you feel? Would laying it out clearly that you aren't happy give him a kick up the bum to at least make life a bit more tolerable for you?

Is there any scope for re- organising accommodation so that you can have your own bedroom / space away from him?

Hi OP I was in a very similar situation and I am now in the process of separating from my partner. Our children are 5 and 3. Like you there were no abuse as such but we both admitted that we don't love each other in a romantic sense. Like you he is very much a man child and I feel like I parent him.

We've tried couples counselling- we have a very good counselled who confirmed we have a parent/child dynamic - and I do have overwhelming feelings of guilt about the children, particularly as they are so young.

However, I'm not prepared to live the rest of my life like this. We haven't had a sex life for years and we barely talk to each other. I have read lots of threads and I haven't seen anyone ever say that they wish their parents had stayed together for their sake, quite the opposite in fact.

Things are going to change massively but I want to be brave. I've missed so many opportunities in my life through fear and I don't want this to be a pattern. I wish you good luck. You deserve a happy fulfilling life too

Your kids aren't seeing a good relationship, and they are already picking up on the fact that there is no affection between you. They are also seeing a lazy, dirty, silent father, and growing up to believe that this is normal. The situation isn't beneficial for them. I'd leave OP - for their sake as well as for yours.

I wouldn't do anything just yet. This last year has been difficult for everyone.

Also dating sounds exciting when you are stuck in a stale marriage , but the reality can be very disapointing .Alot of the men are not really husband/ father material, they have had previous failed relationships, and don't seem to want to commit, and dating whilst you have kids can be stressful, trying to keep it seperate and even finding the time and being able to afford it. A lot of single women / mum's have made the choice to stay single because dating is too much like hard work. You might have better luck and l hope you do it you try it.
I would try and save as much as you can, and give it a few more months before making a decision.

@Moonface123 completely agree. Not sure why anyone would want to jump out of relationship and start dating. I think it's important to be on your own before jumping back in to the dating pond ..... Especially with kids involved.

Marriage is supposed to be for life....not until you get bored...

My opinion op is.
There is abuse! Emotional abuse.
If you don't feel loved by your partner and their is no effort made emotionally then you are both going without a major ingredient to a constructive relationship. I would get some legal advice and not rush although slowly move away. In the meantime keep your children in the know to try and stop confusion. Don't feel bad sounds like there is not any teamwork. There is no I in team and their are 2 adults in a relationship. You must feel alone? Good luck op you've got this.

@twittwoowho you asked how I made the final decision to leave? A lot of therapy! Seriously though, I had a bit of a breakdown, worked really bloody hard on myself for a year or so, we went to couples counselling and I just felt it was all being laid at my door. I'd worked so hard to be happier - and my exh hadn't budged one bit. And still said it was all my problem. Then he was diagnosed with autism and, even though I'd always suspected, that confirmed for me I think that he really wasn't ever going to change. And I'd built up enough self worth by then to believe that my feelings mattered too. Kids are generally okay if their parents are. And I wasn't.

With regards to the comments about dating, it's totally understandable to want to feel desirable after a dead marriage. I jumped into that (lived to rue it but hey) but now I'm happy single. So I would agree with the sentiment of don't leave in order to find someone else. Leave to find yourself the kids will be okay if you are

@twittwoowho I’m in a similar situation so following with interest. A lot of what you say resonates with me. Not wanting to ‘give things a go’ because that’s not where I’m at, I want out. But the guilt is crippling as things are ‘ok’ and there is no abuse.
Reading some comments are frustrating though. Those along the lines of ‘there is no abuse then just stay’. Why? Why don’t we deserve happiness? Why do we have to face a lifetime of a mediocre life because we’re not being abused? It’s a bizarre stance to take!!

Anyway, sorry I don’t have a great deal of advice but I’m with you in solidarity x

I 100% agree @Blossom2021. Not being a parent myself I can't imagine what it is like but the fact that you put the needs of your children first doesn't mean you should sacrifice your happiness.

Sending to you.

Dear OP I am in the similar boat with you. I have been with my DH for 26 years and have three kids, two of them adults but all living with us. Your husband does not have to beat you to abuse you. Abuse is not being loved the way you want to, not being respected, not being appreciated, not being listened to and acknowledged, not being cared for. This is the story of my life. In the beginning of our relationship it looked I hit the jackpot. My husband did housework, took care of the kids, was really gentle and loving, but some 10 years into our relationship things started changing. I do not think that this was entirely his fault. I am kind of a person that avoids conflict, however, if I would complain, he would get all defensive and turn conversation into a fight after which he would give me silent treatment (never any physical abuse or anything like that). We would never solve anything just “wait it out” and so after some time we go back to “normal”. I became very unhappy, stressed and grumpy over the years. Last year, before Covid I wanted us to get therapy, but he said he was not comfortable talking to a stranger so I started going alone. It was interrupted with Covid but I went back the beginning of this year. This helped me realize that I am not happy and that I do not want to stay with my husband, and was ready to leave him when something very traumatic happened to him (and all of us really). Now I feel extremely guilty as only a monster would leave her husband after all he went through (sorry cannot share to much info afraid that someone may recognize us), but at the same time, there is no way I can go back to “normal”. I do not mind continuing to chat with you via direct messaging if you wish.

[quote Blossom2021]@twittwoowho I’m in a similar situation so following with interest. A lot of what you say resonates with me. Not wanting to ‘give things a go’ because that’s not where I’m at, I want out. But the guilt is crippling as things are ‘ok’ and there is no abuse.
Reading some comments are frustrating though. Those along the lines of ‘there is no abuse then just stay’. Why? Why don’t we deserve happiness? Why do we have to face a lifetime of a mediocre life because we’re not being abused? It’s a bizarre stance to take!!

Anyway, sorry I don’t have a great deal of advice but I’m with you in solidarity x[/quote]
Exactly what I said in my reply. We all deserve to live happy and fulfilling lives. I have spent so many years accepting whatever. My DH was always making final decisions for both of us, so there are so many things I never did, experienced, saw, because he would not want them. I am thinking, however many years I have left to live ( I am a middle aged) I want to live them my way, go out, travel, sing and dance, dress up my house, spoil my kids, live out loud. I deserve to be happy!