4 months to early to ask for exclusivity...

[GemGems125]

So new to this whole dating scene. Particularly OLD... Haven't done this since was 18 and things are so different. Been a year since I've left, what I'm learning was a very messed up 10 year relationship with my ex.

Anyway I've been seeing this new guy for just under 4 months. We text pretty much, nearly everyday and see each other weekly, when my kids are with their dad.

Briefly, previously, I mentioned not wanting anything causal and he said the same, he said he hasn't dated anyone since me but we never really confirmed being exclusive. I'm just getting casual vibes, plus when my friend was scrolling through Facebook dating, his profile popped up.

I don't know whether it's too soon to have the exclusive conversation or even how to broach the subject... Hate dating 😣, never used to be this so unsure and lacking confidence... Any advice?

I think 4 months is plenty long enough. Me and my bf told each other after our 2nd date that we were deleting our dating profiles to see where things wet with each other.

I made the mistake previously in not having this conversation explicitly enough and then 5 months later found out he was messaging other women, and possibly meeting/sleeping with them.
He thought I knew and was doing the same - I wasn't.

If you scare him away then he's not for you as you want different things but if I'm dedicating my time to someone and sleeping with them, I want to know I'm the only person he's doing that with.

Absolutely! I had this conversation after three dates lol

4 months seems too long not early to have the chat, I had the exclusive chat after two dates to come off dating apps, I don't see why it's a big deal, if it doesn't work out you can go back on.

I would expect exclusivity before four months.

If anything too long, it was pretty clear I was exclusive with my DP after 2-3 weeks, and he asked me 'officially' to be his GF 6 weeks after our first date. 4 months is ridiculous!

Thanks for the messages. I think you guys have just confirmed what I was already thinking anyway. I just hate awkward conversations and have been putting it off but think I'm going to bring it up tonight.

How would one bring up a conversation, when my gut feeling is the answer isn't going to be what I want to hear.😐

I was pretty much exclusive after the 1st month. So that was probably 3/4 dates in. Part of me just assumed he was the same after our conversation about not being causal but when I think back to there was not clear confirmation that we will be exclusive.

Have you checked to see if his profiles are still up? I’d just have an honest conversation, we’ve been going out 4 months - are we exclusive or are you still talking to other women/ do you still have your dating profiles up ?

How would you check? I only added the Facebook dating one, and deleted it a while back... So new to all this.

It was a couple weeks when my friend was scrolling through and sent me the screen shot of his profile. I am assuming that still means his profile is open. But would that mean that's he actively using it?
As I remember scrolling trough tiktok and it being mentioned that people only pop up as an option to swipe if they are an active user.

That's sounds such a simple thing to ask. Don't understand why I'm making such a big deal of this. I never used to be like this. 😔

I would expect exclusivity within a month of dating (3 or 4 dates). And for some sort of convo to be brought up to that affect. 6 weeks in max.

If he hasn't broached the topic after 4 months then either he thinks its self explanatory that you are together...or he is dicking you around. From what you've said...it sounds more likely it's the later.

I've never known a guy that was interested in a serious relationship to leave it so long that i feel the need to broach the question (and I'm not the sort of person who is shy to ask).

You can't really check without going on yourself and that seems quite underhand to me. You ned to be able to trust what someone is saying if you are in a relationship with them so ask him and if he says he is no longer on them then I guess you have to believe him.

I would have thought the third date was the time to be exclusive. CERTAINLY from whenever you have sex for the first time.

I would definitely bring it up. If you're interested in a successful relationship with him you have to be comfortable enough to check that you are definitely exclusive. Where did you meet him? Check if he still has a live profile there.

Yes, such a red flag if a man is hesitant to take down a dating profile. It's such a tiny thing! you can always just put it up again if it doesn't work out. I would take refusal to stop using dating apps as a massive lack of respect and it would turn me off.

4 months way too long. I'd expect exclusivity from date 2. For me, as soon as you decide to continue seeing each other it should be exclusive.

That's what I was thinking sunshineandflipflops. I don't wanna play games and so don't fancy re adding a dating app to find out.

Crosspelican. I met him on Facebook dating app. I no longer have a profile so can't check. Deleted it.

See Rozziie, it's not refusal and I don't know if he is hesitant to delete it as we haven't had that conversation. Tbh we only had one brief conversation about what we wanted before.

I'm very reluctant to have awkward conversations or talk about my feelings at all with anyone I know. which i think is related to my past relationship and probably upbringing as well. But at the same time he hasn't brought it up either. 😐

Wanderlusto I think you're right. I'm leaning towards he's dicking me around. Kinda thinking, if he wants to he would have.

After everyone's comments, made me realise I definitely need to broach it tonight and be prepared for it not going the way I want. 😕

I first met my husband end of April 2014, I'd just turned 21 when we met, he was 29. I was a student and he worked full time but we still made it work, and couldn't be happier.
We became a couple 9th may 2014. We decided to start trying for a baby in July 2014, we moved in together in October 2014, I got pregnant in November 2014, we found out I was pregnant 19th December 2014. We got engaged 13th January 2015, and got married 9th April 2015. Baby was due 30th August 2015, was actually born on 5th September 2015.
So we had been together exactly 11 months the day we got married. I know it's very quick, being married and expecting a baby within less than a year of being together, but it worked for us. We had discussed marriage and both agreed it was what we wanted, but we weren't officially engaged. But when we found out I was pregnant we both knew it was important to us to be married before the baby was born, and I didn’t want to be showing if possible, so we made sure we were. It was perfect. Some people might think we only got married because I was pregnant, but that was never the case at all.

So I'd say that's too long.

Not too early absolutely you should have this chat

@crosspelican

I would have thought the third date was the time to be exclusive. CERTAINLY from whenever you have sex for the first time.

I would definitely bring it up. If you're interested in a successful relationship with him you have to be comfortable enough to check that you are definitely exclusive. Where did you meet him? Check if he still has a live profile there.

This. It is absolutely fine to ask for exclusivity any time you want. Especially before you have sex for the first time. Most people only want to sleep with someone if they know they are not sleeping with anyone else. Don’t get drawn into this Americanised new age “exclusivity chat” and be made to feel that you’re too intense or pushy asking for it too soon or that open relationships in dating are somehow the default norm.

It’s perfectly fine to ask for exclusivity before you have sex with someone.

I would be honest if was me, I'd mention your friend saw him on fb dating still and you were wondering if you were going to be exclusive because as you said before you weren't looking for anything casual. It's time to know isn't it? The way you should see it is it's wasting your time on not finding right one if he's still looking and your not. Never feel awkward about it.

There is never too early or too late, it’s how you feel and what you want. I waited for 6 months with my DP because I wanted to keep dating other people and ensure I was making the right choice with him (had rushed things before by being too serious too soon so wanted to be really sure before committing). 4 months is a good time to know they are worth your while, so I would have that conversation and ask if they’re ready to be “official” with you.

It might be daunting OP, but what a good opportunity to practice dping something uncomfortable - stating what you need in a relationship, and coping with the results if you don't get it. In the long run, being dicked around and uncertain is much more uncomfortable.

Thanks Grimsknee. That's a good way of looking at it. Like a learning curve. 🙂 Just gotta rip of the bandaid... Irony is i work for children services, having difficult conversations is practically my job.

Maybe 4 months is to late especially if he is still on dating sites. Exclusivity was always first to be mentioned when I've met partners.

We don't know him obviously, but if he's coasting now, expect more coasting. What would be nice to see here is enthusiasm, not just a 'Ok then' to a 'Can we be exclusive'? My feeling is that if you bring this subject up with him he might say ok to it, but it will be a luke warm 'ok' whilst he still browses and keeps his options open for other women. Hope I'm wrong about that.