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Relationships

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Original poster

Selfish DP

25 replies

Sparkles556 · 15/04/2021 08:44

I asked DP if he wanted to take DS to a fair that’s on at the weekend (me as well) but I was met with “can’t really be arsed” I’m so disappointed as I can’t remember the last time we did something as a family and I know that DS would love it. What’s annoyed me the most is that he plays football on a Wednesday evening, golf on a Saturday morning, and football again on Sunday morning yet he can’t spare 2 hours to take his son out. I’d take DS myself but I don’t drive and it would take me a while to walk there. I haven’t really said anything to DP apart from the “oh ok” when he said he couldn’t be arsed going. Should I bring it up again and tell him how I feel?

OP posts:

Orgasmagorical · 15/04/2021 08:51

At least he was honest with you but it's very telling that he can be arsed with his social life, just not his family.

How is he when you have 'a talk' usually?

ladygindiva · 15/04/2021 08:56

I wouldn't have said "oh OK". My dp is prone to occasional lazy arse behaviour and I can't help but hand his arse to him on a plate, to coin my favourite saying. He has a think, and agrees with me and apologises. Try it.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/04/2021 08:59

You need to learn to drive. I would hate to rely on a miserable dh.

honeylulu · 15/04/2021 09:30

Yes he is selfish. Unfortunately a lot (not all) men aren't really arsed about stuff like quality family time. My own husband is on the whole a decent sort (does plenty of chores, cooking etc. ) but has a bit of a blind spot about family time/ outings for kids. If he has free time he tends to go to his allotment/ the DIY store or if at home has a nap or reads the paper. His idea of keeping the children entertained is to pass them their tablets/switch TV on/let them have endless snacks.

All holidays, days out, birthday parties, school disco attendance, trick or treating, playdates, even walks/park visits are all organised by me. I work full time as well by the way (and drive/have my own car which is a godsend).

I do call him out on it and insists he takes a turn or comes along. He doesn't really get it as his attitude is a bit "well if you're taking them why do I need to come as well". But i have learnt that I need to be firm and on occasion I have pointed out that if he finds family life so unbearable then there isn't much point him being here. He actually seems to enjoy it when he does come along and the kids love it when he does! I just wish he would get his own arse in gear so I'm not always the moaning nag bag.

Original poster

Sparkles556 · 15/04/2021 09:31

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I can’t unfortunately I have epilepsy and have to be seizure free for a year otherwise I definitely would

OP posts:

Aprilshowersandhail · 15/04/2021 09:32

Taxi? Your ds shouldn't miss out...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2021 09:34

Does he speak at you (the word at is deliberate) like this generally?.

What do you get out of this relationship with him?. How are your needs being met?.

It is indeed very telling that he can be bothered to have a quite extensive social life but not to take his child out. He probably regards the housework and childcare also as "women's work" i.e your job.

Do you work outside the home?.

Original poster

Sparkles556 · 15/04/2021 09:37

@honeylulu sounds a bit like my dp. He’s a great dad and partner but he does tend to have a selfish streak and thinks that because he works all week he should be able to do what he wants at weekends (which is fair enough I never stop him from doing his hobbies and he’s entitled to have them) but it would be nice for him to be able to fit us in too. You’ve given me a few good points to say to him!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2021 09:43

These men are always so called "great dads". He is not a great dad to his child nor a decent sounding partner actually to you. Women in poor relationships also often write the "good dad" comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Where is your free time exactly?. I would think that if you went out three times a week to some social or sporting activity he would not like it (because he would then have to start thinking about someone other than his own self). We women are not rehab centres for badly raised men.

Original poster

Sparkles556 · 15/04/2021 09:46

@Aprilshowersandhail yes never thought of a taxi to be honest. If he doesn’t listen or refuses too then it’ll be a taxi

@AttilaTheMeerkat sometimes yes. I feel like things are always on his terms and usually find myself just agreeing with him for an easy life. All in all he is a good dad and partner although he probably doesn’t sound it. There’s just this selfish streak. He occasionally helps in the house, but lets me know that it isn’t his job. I’m not currently working but currently in the middle of looking for something. I had a baby 6 weeks ago so there’s a few things to consider and work out regarding a job

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparkles556 · 15/04/2021 09:48

@AttilaTheMeerkat I don’t have any free time. I rarely go anywhere other then to the supermarket or round to my mums

OP posts:

LindaEllen · 15/04/2021 09:56

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

You need to learn to drive. I would hate to rely on a miserable dh.

This.

I would never allow myself to be reliant on a man in this way.

LindaEllen · 15/04/2021 09:57

Sorry I didn't notice that you said you had epilepsy - that sucks :(. My partner has it too and after 30 years of med tweaking he's 2 weeks off 'clear for a year' and we're super excited!!!!

Babdoc · 15/04/2021 10:00

LindaEllen read the thread. OP has epilepsy and is not allowed to drive.

Original poster

Sparkles556 · 15/04/2021 10:00

@LindaEllen it’s fine! Aww that’s amazing! It certainly does suck! But my medication has been increased so hopefully that’ll be me soon

OP posts:

Elieza · 15/04/2021 10:04

I can understand him wanting time to himself but it appears he has an abundance of that.

Remind him of how much you do and how little spare time you have and that it’s not like you are asking him to work at the weekend you are asking him to put his child’s enjoyment before his own for one day.

Do not have any more children with this man any time soon as he clearly isn’t pulling his weight. That needs to change before you both have any more child rearing responsibility.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2021 10:08

sparkles

re your comment that I have separated out for more clarity:-

"I feel like things are always on his terms and usually find myself just agreeing with him for an easy life".

Your whole relationship with him seems to be all on his terms frankly. He has it made with you and treats you disrespectfully as well. He seems to have no real respect for you. And indeed your passive "oh ok then" response to your perfectly reasonable request for he to take his child out was just further proof of that disrespect towards you.

"All in all he is a good dad and partner although he probably doesn’t sound it. There’s just this selfish streak".

Selfish people do not tend to make for being good as people let alone partners either. What makes him a good dad and partner to you; what are your definitions of these words?. His selfishness too holds no bounds. I think too he treats this home as some sort of hotel with attendant maid service i.e. you to service him. How long have you been together?

"He occasionally helps in the house, but lets me know that it isn’t his job".

Oh that is too bad, he is really acting as the Big Man here isn't he?. He lives there too so it is his equal responsibility re the chores and childcare. Do not ever think of what he does too as "help" because he is equally responsible for how the household runs.

"I’m not currently working but currently in the middle of looking for something. I had a baby 6 weeks ago so there’s a few things to consider and work out regarding a job"

Congratulations to you on the birth of your second child . Put your children and your own self first and foremost in your life going forward. Consider what you want to teach them about relationships and what they are learning here. I don't personally think you want your eldest son to be just like his own father is when he is an adult. Would you want either child as adults to be in a relationship like you are describing, probably not.

How else can you expand your horizons here, only visiting your mother and supermarket seems so limited and that is not your fault (its the times we are living through currently). Can you retrain and learn new skills at college?.

Fireflygal · 15/04/2021 11:26

Op, have you chosen not to marry or is your partner not keen?

Original poster

Sparkles556 · 15/04/2021 12:15

@Fireflygal We’ve never really discussed it. And he hasn’t proposed. We’ve been together 8 years

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2021 12:29

He doesn’t sound like a good dad, he sounds lazy. Did he even want kids if he doesn’t want to do things with them at the weekend? Do you want to marry him?

BillMasheen · 15/04/2021 12:36

but he does tend to have a selfish streak and thinks that because he works all week he should be able to do what he wants at weekends

What part of this is anything other than ‘selfish arsehole‘.

Do you think that you should have weekends off childcare’s because you do it all week?

Thought not.

DrSbaitso · 15/04/2021 12:41

Why do you keep calling him a good dad and partner when he has no time for his family?

And you have epilepsy and a six week old?

You're damn right he doesn't sound like a good dad or partner. Because he isn't!

MrsDSalvatore · 15/04/2021 13:30

I wouldn't even have to ask my DP I'd just say we are taking DC to the fair this weekend and he would happily come along. He loves spending time with the kids as any parent should.
I don't think it's too much to ask to want to spend time together as a family.
You also deserve time to yourself aswel as him. Don't ask, just tell him how it is

AryaStarkWolf · 15/04/2021 13:49

[quote Sparkles556]@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I can’t unfortunately I have epilepsy and have to be seizure free for a year otherwise I definitely would[/quote]
Ah that must be tough to have to rely on him for stuff like this then. I would be less placid about it, tell him you want to take your DS and you you think he needs to make the effort

sunnyzweibrucken · 15/04/2021 14:15

How can he be a good dad when he rather spend time doing only things that he wants to do? And none of those things are with his family?

And he's not a good partner as you give in to him so he can get his way. Much less you call him selfish. That's not a good dad or a good partner.

A good dad would go to the fair even if he didn't feel like it. A good partner wouldn't always want to have things their way and make you feel as if you have to give in to "keep the peace"

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