Is this selfish

[summer151]

Hi. I just want some opinions. Is it selfish to want to date when you have small kids 7 and 10. Do they feel that you are trying to replace their dad which isn't the case., will the hold it against me? How do I even explain it to them if I do meet someone. Thanks in advance

Have you asked them ?

Don’t ask them. It puts them in an awkward position.

It’s fine to date. You don’t have to stay single forever. They don’t need any details at all.

No you aren't selfish. Would you feel happy to keep this part of your life totally separate feom the kids for as long as possible? That may be the best for them for the near future, but, also allows you to meet your needs for companionship and fun and hopefully something long term down the line. When I was young, I would have appreciated this more than anything.

Don't ask them!
It is incredibly unsettling for children to have too much control over life, to have a say in adult decisions. To feel secure they need to know that the adults know what they're doing.

On the OP question, it is not selfish to date as a single mum. What is selfish is to prioritise your love life over your children's well being, bring a new man into their life too soon etc. There are many wrong ways of doing it, and right ways too.
Worrying about the impact on them is a good place to start, but don't let that block you from finding a relationship, just consider what's in their interests at each stage. There is a balance to be found.

Not selfish, you need your own happiness too.
Don’t ask them about it, just tell them what they need to know if/when they need to know.

Of course it’s not selfish
Heck do separated fathers ever ask this ? Or does anyone ever question whether a single father would be selfish to Date ?
You are more than just a mother regardless of your children’s age .
It’s important that they grow up seeing you as a fully integrated person with a life outside of them . Sure , you may wait some time before deciding to allow anyone you are dating to meet them , that’s natural and advisable but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you dating

Not selfish at all, just don't move them in!

Not selfish at all. They don’t need to know until you find someone you want to be a permanent part of your life. I dated when my DD was at her Dad’s. You need to find babysitting so you can go out. Once I met a guy I liked and he’d been part of my life for close to a year my DD met him. I introduced him as a friend and he just met us out for coffee. They didn’t hate each other so I felt comfortable having him appear a bit more often. Over the next 12 months he’d come round for tea now and then when DD was home. We all went out for the afternoon once. Eventually I told her he was actually my boyfriend and that I liked him. We discussed the fact that he isn’t moving in. She was fine with it. We are coming up on 2 years together, he still doesn’t stay over when DD is here but she probably sees him once a week now and he will be joining us for a holiday in the summer. She is happy and says the more the merrier.

@saltychoc

Not selfish at all, just don't move them in!

What a ridiculous thing to say! What happens if OP meets someone lovely and a couple of years down the line they decide that they want to live together, and actually the kids are really fond of this person?!! Once again MN at its best; single parents never being able to live with a partner ever again (or at least until the kids have left home) after separation from their ex. In the real world, this does not happen.

@summer151 there is nothing to stop you from dating. Assuming you have nights off from the kids, go and date! Of course, use sensibility and caution... if you want something serious and want to introduce someone to your children longer term, then just make sure that they're someone special, and that you have high standards so that you have a great relationship for you (and good for your kids to have about too).

@saltychoc

Not selfish at all, just don't move them in!

There’s something in this, of course you can date but blended families are a mine field.

Hi it isn't selfish at all but there isn't enough information in your post for anyone to advise about how to tell them etc.

I've really struggled with this too, mine are 10 and 6. I decided I would never date until youngest left home. Well, in the summer I started spending time with my friend's brother and we just clicked and he's lovely. 7 months in I finally let him meet the kids and they love spending time with him and even ask if he's coming round or can join us for days out. I suppose it helps that he's not a stranger although they hadn't met him before, he's my DDs best friend's uncle so "safe" maybe. I introduced him as a friend and last weekend my DD asked if he was my boyfriend. I explained he's a special friend and I love spending time with him and he makes me happy, so yes he could be described as my boyfriend. I told me DS afterwards and he said he really likes him, he just doesn't want things to change, by that he meant him moving in. I reassured him and that was that. They seem happy and importantly, I'm happy and they can see this, and they get to witness a healthy adult relationship, unlike the way their dad treated me

I think that you can date in a responsible way and I'm sure you will. Why not meet someone else. I don't think it's a bad thing that children see that relationships happen, they can end, people can move on with their lives. It happens and that will hopefully give them a healthy view of relationships and choosing the right people.

The fact you are concerned suggests that you will be very cautious. It will be fine.

Sorry I did mean, don't move them in immediately.
Or course you don't have to necessarily stay living apart forever if you are in a lovely relationship - but moving people in/blending families has massive consequences on the dc - and not always positive.
Have a look at the thread that's running about people in wonderful relationships who live in separate houses and the reasons why they have chosen to live this way (spoiler alert: it's wonderful)