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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you take this?

28 replies

Gson · 14/04/2021 20:52

DP had a very stressful job. Tonight, he snaps at me and tells me to ‘fuck off and shut up’ in a nasty tone.

All because I couldn’t get his food out the oven the second he asked me to (I was doing something and had wet hands). Apparently that makes me selfish. He was working late, so got up in a strop to get the food out himself and dropped his laptop, which is when he lost it.

99% of the time he is great to me and we have a lovely relationship, we love each other etc but when he speaks to me like this, I want to just walk out. Is this normal!?

OP posts:

litterbird · 14/04/2021 20:57

No, it is not normal, if my boyfriend ever said anything like that to me he would have short shrift from me and he would be shown the door.

wobblywinelover · 14/04/2021 21:02

He's probably had a shit day but it never excuses him from saying stuff to you in a nasty tone to fuck off and shut up. It's unacceptable in any circumstances

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/04/2021 21:04

It’s normal to want to walk out. It’s not normal for him to aggressively insult you.

Dump. It’ll get worse.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2021 21:05

I’d be shocked and appalled if DH said that to me. I don’t know what I’d do but walking out for a breather is probably where I’d start. I’ve had some fucking awful days but it’s never occurred to me to think that about DH so saying it would be unconscionable.

Sorry

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/04/2021 21:05

for you* to want to walk out. I would follow that instinct if I were you.

SnowAllSpring · 14/04/2021 21:05

No. There are limits. That is beyond them

Aprilshowersandhail · 14/04/2021 21:06

So tomorrow night he makes his own. And every night after that..

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2021 21:06

My husband had never once spoken to me like this and I would never tolerate it. There is nothing normal about it. Raise your standards and get rid of him. I bet he doesn't talk to anyone else like this, does he?

Original poster

Gson · 14/04/2021 21:09

@Aquamarine1029 funny you should say that, I just asked him if he’d speak to his mum or grandma like that...

I am so cross, when I confronted him about it he still turned it around on me and called me selfish

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2021 21:11

Please leave him. This will only get worse. He has zero respect for you.

BackforGood · 14/04/2021 21:38

It's normal response from you to want to just walk out in those circumstances, yes.

'Would I take that?'

No

transbadger · 14/04/2021 22:06

99% of the time is not enough of the time.

The times he should tell you to fuck off should be 0%.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/04/2021 22:12

So now you have even more proof he’s a malicious dickhead. To stay with him would just be self-sabotage.

Be brave and do the right thing for yourself - you deserve to be treated with respect.

beebeabee · 14/04/2021 22:19

Op do you have kids?
How long have you been together?
Is it really just the one off?
It's though! No one is perfect and anyone can loose their temper. I am a bit shocked by how many people here telling you so easily to just dump a relationship which is 99% good. Do you think you can get 100%? There is NO such a thing. So you leave him and your next relationship have another glitch and you dump him too.. that is insane.

It is perfectly normal to want to walk away, but once you both had a bit of time to reflect, can you have a conversation about it and share your feelings? Tell him it is not ok, and you can not tolerate this and he should try harder to control his frustrations. Obviously if that becomes a norm than it's a whole different story.

Talk, communicate and try to understand what just happens. Things CAN get better. Good luck 💐

ker89 · 14/04/2021 22:28

@beebeabee

Op do you have kids? How long have you been together? Is it really just the one off? It's though! No one is perfect and anyone can loose their temper. I am a bit shocked by how many people here telling you so easily to just dump a relationship which is 99% good. Do you think you can get 100%? There is NO such a thing. So you leave him and your next relationship have another glitch and you dump him too.. that is insane.

Talk, communicate and try to understand what just happens. Things CAN get better. Good luck 💐

This! I was about to say the same thing myself. Leaving him over one shitty comment/argument would be insane is 99% of the time it's good. Hopefully once things calm down he can see where he went wrong and apologise to you. We all loose our temper sometimes, hope it's just a one off xxx

sunnyzweibrucken · 14/04/2021 22:33

I'm always surprised when people post about their DPs cursing at them like this and wondering if it's okay. Of course its not okay. I can get really grumpy and stressed and may be a bit short and snappy, but i have NEVER cursed at anyone when I am. I always wonder if these people that do this would every muster up the courage to speak that way to friends, relatives, or their supervisors. Its always taken out on the OH.

noirchatsdeux · 14/04/2021 22:44

I would have walked over to the nearest window, opened it, and thrown his meal out of it. And then yelled 'Get it your fucking self and shut the fuck up'

Then left.

But I have zero patience for BIG MAN WITH BIG JOB shit.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/04/2021 22:49

@ker89 and @beebeabee of course no one is perfect. I get incredibly stressed with a lot of things. I am often under huge amounts of pressure. I might occasionally use a slightly sharper tone than is fair, from time to time, but no, I'd never speak like that.

If he's capable of speaking politely to everyone else, he's capable of speaking politely to the Op. Billy big bollocks job or not.

No. It's not acceptable.

Starlia · 14/04/2021 23:05

The concerning part OP is that if you told him it's unacceptable to speak to you that way, and he continues to defend and/or justify.
We have all said things we don't mean - though I've never told someone I love to fuck off - and when I have, I have apologised and acknowledged the hurt I've caused. Plus, it's it's good time to think about why I was stressed/frustrated/angry in the first place so that I can recognise what underlying issues might need to be addressed.
I would hope your DH will show some level of self-awareness to see he has hurt you.

beebeabee · 14/04/2021 23:11

For all of you who would Still walk out of a near perfect relationship because your OH said the F word to you, are you serious? You literally going to get divorce over it? I am so intrigued of how your OH's loose their temper in your relationship and if it's always so polite and controlled. Loosing your temper mean an act of over the top expression of feelings. All sorts of nasty things can be said. Even loud shouting is aggressive. Not every nasty argument leads directly to divorce unless this becomes a pattern or combined with other issues. As I said...
if one off - be reasonable
If repeated abuse - walk away, obviously

Guavafish · 14/04/2021 23:18

My husband has never sworn at me on the almost 8 years we been together and has only ever raised his voice at me once in that time.

He should apologise but his continuing to call you selfish shows a lack of respect

sadpapercourtesan · 14/04/2021 23:22

I've been with DH for 24 years and he's never spoken to me like that. It's absolutely not normal, nor is it excusable.

JackieTheFart · 14/04/2021 23:28

I'd be very upset with that, but I think the important thing is how he dealt with it.

Had be come to you afterwards, apologised for his unfair and cruel outburst and explained it wasn't you it was just the situation and he's sorry he took it out on you - then it's normal, and forgiveable (IMO, although not regularly). His response speaks volumes IMO.

daysofthunder · 15/04/2021 00:08

@beebeabee

For all of you who would Still walk out of a near perfect relationship because your OH said the F word to you, are you serious? You literally going to get divorce over it? I am so intrigued of how your OH's loose their temper in your relationship and if it's always so polite and controlled. Loosing your temper mean an act of over the top expression of feelings. All sorts of nasty things can be said. Even loud shouting is aggressive. Not every nasty argument leads directly to divorce unless this becomes a pattern or combined with other issues. As I said... if one off - be reasonable If repeated abuse - walk away, obviously

Everyone has their boundaries. I'm not in a relationship where we shout at each other. Ever. I wouldn't tolerate it and neither would he. We don't lose our tempers.

Famousinlove · 15/04/2021 00:21

[quote Gson]@Aquamarine1029 funny you should say that, I just asked him if he’d speak to his mum or grandma like that...

I am so cross, when I confronted him about it he still turned it around on me and called me selfish [/quote]
Tell him you are selfish, so you won't be doing anything for him now

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