Mum makes me feel guilty about my ex..

[bertieboo88]

My first boyfriend I was with while I was 17-19. He was a nice guy and I'll be honest when I say I didn't treat him nice and he eventually ended it. Often thought of him and remember the time together fondly. We're civil if we see each other and are friends on Facebook. (I'm 32 now, he's married with 2 kids and I've been with my partner 8 years with baby 2 on the way) my relationship isn't always the best but I can be quite hard work! High maintenance and have anxiety issues.. we've had many ups and downs but we somehow stayed together.
Mum ran into my ex in Morrison's the other day and made a point in telling me , telling me how nice and smiley his wife looks and what a nice lad he was and how I messed it up.
I'm fully aware of this!? I don't know what she expects me to say saying things like that.
Anyone else's mum the same?

I'd literally say 'what do you expect me to say to that? Oh I know, how about I invent a time machine and a body swap machine and then we can hop back in time and you can fucking date him?'.

Why do you think you are high maintenance? Seems an odd thing to say.
Did you always have problems with your DM, has this affected how you treat people do you think? She sounds a bit sneaky.
Some counselling might be a good idea to get to the bottom of things. But you would probably have to go privately.

My mum does this, not with me but my sister. She had a long term boyfriend when she was as university who my mum thought was the complete package - nice boy, good family, very wealthy (they met at Oxbridge). But a bit dull, and my sister broke it off after a couple of years.

My mother still talks wistfully about him now, and my sister is in her fifties

@Wanderlusto

I'd literally say 'what do you expect me to say to that? Oh I know, how about I invent a time machine and a body swap machine and then we can hop back in time and you can fucking date him?'.

Haha that's brilliant, I'll store that for next time as I'm sure it'll only be a matter of time before it's said again! I just don't get why as she knows how upset I was at the time. I literally cried on the concrete at his feet begging him not to end it, and she was there. It's like she enjoys picking at old wounds x

@Quincie good question! I suppose I've got slightly better with age but I guess I could be quite moody and sulk if I didn't get my own way.
We have always got on but she has issues, she was abused as a child and I think it's affected her more than she'll let. She wouldn't tell me who my biological dad was, I found out via the invention that wasn't thought of in the 80s that is Facebook. It's like at the moment I'm struggling with this pregnancy and she always likes to remind me "she never wanted a second baby. She only ever wanted one and is glad she stuck with just one"

@cheeseismydownfall oh good lord.. so I've got another 20 years of this! 😂 I feel for your sister! He wasn't anything special he was just quite placid and reliable which I think she liked. My partner can be quite short tempered and she doesn't really like him.

That sounds very similar, bertie! My mum is convinced my sister would have been happier with this other reliable, conventional boyfriend than her now-DH.

Sometimes I feel like telling her to read the horror stories on this forum - there is no predicting which guys turn out to be wankers - it is often the ones you least expect!

@cheeseismydownfall Yes that's just like my mum! The thing is he was the one to end things so it's not like I made that decision, I just didn't treat him as well as I should've. I was just a kid really but she likes to remind me of it. He was the first person I ever slept with - statically we were very unlikely to stay together! I had to go and live a bit of life first and I don't regret that. It was maybe right guy wrong time who knows xx

Sounds familiar my mum often “remembers things differently” and likes to tell me “where l went wrong”. E.g. my 1st boyfriend sold me his computer and it got me through all of my 1st degree. This turns into me giving him money for nothing? I couldn’t expect my boyfriend to give me a computer for free?!

@Wanderlusto love it!!!

*statistically

It's so frustrating isn't it. I bet if we were around in their youth we could do the same! I feel like saying "well you cheated on my real dad and he's now happily married with 2 kids so you fucked up there didn't you.. he's clearly not a bad man!"

All you need to do is agree with her. “Ah yes, he was a lovely lad, just not the one for me”. Takes the wind right out of their sails.

It's incredibly frustrating when your parents rewrite history. My mum hated it that I was divorcing my alcoholic husband - but then she was an alcoholic herself by this point, so I should be kinder to him and 'just because he liked a drink' wasn't a good reason. Never mind that my DD2 was showing signs of PTSD because of his behaviour.

However, as an aside, you don't seem to like yourself very much - you call yourself 'high maintenance' and blame your anxiety on your relationship problems. I wonder whether you would benefit from some counselling so that you can learn to like yourself more, improve your self esteem and maybe learn to react differently when things don't go your way? You sound insightful and intelligent, and I think with a little work you could be so much happier. You deserve it.

Are you my SIL? MIL still bangs on and on and on about two of SIL's ex boyfriends. In her defence, BIL is not a winner, but it infuriates me. Ex boyfriend1 was a total workaholic and SIL was early 20s, wanted to have fun etc etc etc and didn't want to be at home, in bed by 9pm every night. But exBF1 is now very successful, very wealthy and MIL is literally grieving the loss of this relationship (nearly 20 years later).

ExBF2 was a nice enough bloke but very boring and traditional. SIL is hardworking, likes to party hard and work hard, very creative and arty, works in a caring profession etc and while exBF2 was a genuinely lovely person, she would have died of boredom with him. DH and I both liked him very much but found conversations and engagement with him almost impossible. He was on the scene when we got married and my parents, who can talk to ANYONE, both came away asking why SIL was with him as he seemed nice but it was impossible to talk to him. He has subsequently gone on to marry a lovely woman and they have two children and from all accounts, are very happy. But SIL would have made him miserable. But again, all MIL can see is that exBF2 is stable and financially solvent (needless to say, BIL isn't). It's incredibly frustrating.

Oh, and SIL also has been convinced by her family that she's very "high maintenance" and that's why she can't attract and keep a "nice" bloke. Please don't be like SIL and absorb this ridiculous narrative where because you actually have expectations and standards you are "high maintenance".

My Mum does this from time to time because l two timed my first BF with my now Husband of nearly 40 yrs when he went on holiday with his mates for 2 weeks. I finished with him when he came back from holiday straight away . Despite the fact he has come out as gay many years later & is married to his partner she still says how lovely he was & l should have stayed with him

Yes, I went out with a lovely guy when I was about 19, but think I just liked him more as a friend, so that’s what we did. My mum always says “You were sooo stupid letting him go, it’s not about the fireworks, next time you find someone like him just promise me, promise me you will hold onto him with both hands” almost with tears in her eyes. I come from a family where there was an intense amount of pressure to settle down as young as possible, to the point where I nearly cracked up as they made it so stressful.

Hey, just because he's a nice guy it doesn't mean that he was right for you - he obviously wasnt. Ignore your mum and enjoy your life.

Next time, say, “mum this is a bit awkward but it’s starting to seem like you have feelings for my ex. Do you feel a romantic attachment to him?”

Head tilt and hmmm ok then when she denies it rabidly