Lack of affection

[HannahAD]

Me and my DH have been together for 4 years and we have a 19 month old together. We have also been TTC for a year now and are engaged but things just feel off. I can’t remember the last time he kissed me or cuddled me or asked me about my day. I try to give him affection and he rejects it which hurts because he was so affectionate for the first two years of our relationship. He never wants to talk and he’s always “too busy” to cuddle or speak about our days even though I know he’s just sitting playing a game on his phone. It’s really knocked my confidence and made me feel quite depressed to be honest. Whenever I bring it up he says I pick the wrong times but I’ve tried so many different things and I’m out of ideas now. I try mornings, evening, on the couch, surprising him with a kiss and asking him to do it but it’s never the right time. Can anyone please give me some advice, please be kind x

Oh I’m sorry. I hate being rejected so I feel your pain. Would he be up for a weekly date night type thing? I know it’s naff but it can work.

Tell him you seriously want to discuss your relationship, how you can work together to get it back how it used to be, setting time aside for each is important, there's no point in planning a wedding or more children until you both feel happy. It could be he is unhappy about something but bottling it up but you can only suggest in talking it through he has to play his part in it. Failing that don't keep yourself in the relationship If he's not willing to work on it.

We used to do that every Friday night but now he’d rather play the Xbox or watch the football 🙄

I try to talk to him and he just shuts me off and says he doesn’t like talking. I’m finding it so hard

I wouldn't consider having another baby with him, OP, I'm afraid. Things will only get worse.

There's not a lot of point to him being there, is there? He sounds like the sort of flatmate who you wish would go out so that you didn't have to spend much time with him.

I used to be so excited for him to come home from work but now I sort of dread it. The awkward conversation and the constant feeling of something missing. I love him so much but I’m wondering if it’s even worth it anymore

You know you say you love him so much? What do you love, exactly? The memory of him or the actual man he is now? There doesn't seem to be much to love about him, frankly.

I do really think it might be the memory of him which is really hard to admit x

He actually sounds like he doesn’t like you op. I don’t think whatever’s gone can be gotten back.

Perhaps have a think about how life would be without him in it. Would you have to move house? How much support do you have from family and friends? Financially, could you manage? Perhaps look up on the Entitled To calculator and the child maintenance calculator to see what your financial situation would be like. You don't have to make any decision right now, but it's always good to know what kind of choices you have.

I think relationships change over time. So you won’t be able to go back to same love you used to have. But that doesn’t mean it has to get worst.

Are you fighting lots and there are bigger problems which is why he’s not being affectionate? If there’s not a big back story the. I’d have a talk and really clearly say, ‘I’d really like to spend some time with you. I feel like it would be nice to reconnect. I feel neglected Etc etc’. Don’t use the word ‘you’ (so don’t say ‘you lazy entitled f*er you spend all your time staring at a screen and you really need to start treating me with respect’). Ask if he’d start date nights again. Relationships need work sometimes but you both have to be willing to try. If he doesn’t want to put any effort in then don’t settle for someone who takes you for granted.

Relationships do change over time, and little kids + TTC + the year we all have had would affect any relationship.
So - I think there is some of that going on, rather than a gloom and doom.
Getting to a better balance would take time and communication. Maybe a bit of counselling. And ruling out he is depressed.
He probably won’t want to go to counselling just yet - maybe start on your own and see if he would get interested.
And it could give you some perspective on what you feel/want as well.

It sounds like he’s checked out of the relationship