Am i worrying unncessarily and self sabotating?

[pancakeshut]

Met someone great last year. We chatted a lot before meeting but when we met it was also great, nice surprise and things have steadily plodded on since our first date over 7 months ago.

We do meet up regularly and stay over. It’s all passionate when together and we can talk on the phone a lot. We are in touch most days by text.

It’s all great but I don’t feel sure it’s going anywhere. Is this normal? I have had some very intense men in the past who have been controlling in hindsight. This man isn’t like that at all. Does it mean he doesn’t care? I don’t know.

I’ve been reading a few self help books as well as therapy as I have always gone head first into relationships. The latest I read was why men love bitches and was amazed at the impact it had...he was far more assertive about being in contact when I relaxed and backed off ever so slightly. That’s not to say he’s a game player but just to show that I do have form for not being sure about what’s normal at what stage in a relationship. I want to be better at this.

Would you say this uncertainty is normal? There’s nothing exactly wrong but I don’t feel like he is constantly desperate to see me. He’s never been like that though, but when I’ve mentioned it (I try not to after reading why men love bitches!), he just says he loves spending time with me and wishes he could do it more. We currently are in different cities.

Am I reading into it all too much?!

@pancakeshut Is it more that you see each other regularly as dates rather than being part of each other’s lives? I know covid has made it hard to meet up with others depending on where you are but have you met any of his family / friends? Do they all know about you? Has he told you he loves you?

After 7 months I would think you could have a calm discussion about how each of you view the relationship and what you envision for the future.

@Haribo21 yes exactly that! I know all about his working life in detail (we are both quite career focused), he also talks lots about his friends and family and he remembers the names of my friends etc and asks about them.

It’s all really nice but the opposite of anything I’ve had before. He will say nice things like he loves my laugh and he is looking forward to meeting and that he enjoys the intimacy and so on. It’s not that he’s never affectionate in messages, he is, but it’s not full on. He wouldn’t turn up out of the blue with flowers, he’s never seemed worried about losing me (but then I’ve not given him reason to).

@Aquamarine1029 I did mention a couple of months back what we were doing and he just sort of freezes up and says he is enjoying what we are doing and wants it to continue. I don’t know if that’s a normal approach to things. I can be quite intense and it’s only after therapy and reading up on dating habits that I’ve kept myself in check a bit more, which has made it much nicer.

@pancakeshut he may just be playing it cool and not rushing into anything but from what you have said it sounds like he likes you, enjoys the time you spend together, but he wants to keep it on a certain level. It depends what you want out of it but sounds like he’s not giving you the level of investment you want. How old are you both?

@Haribo21 he’s 39 I’m 37. I really want to settle down and he said months ago his last relationship of a year ended because she didn’t want something serious. He also often comments in general about how he doesn’t do anything in life unless it’s something he’s investing in.

I do think that he considers us to be quite serious ish, in the sense that we see each other regularly and are in touch. But for me it is very much the basics, I’m used to men turning up last minute desperate to see me, calling me after a night out and wanting to chat, organising trips etc. This man is far more passive. It unnerves me in the sense that I don’t get it?! But I like him so much more than anyone else I’ve been with. It’s confusing and I don’t want to mess it up because I have a messy view of how a real relationship develops.

@pancakeshut I’m sure he doesn’t consider your relationship as “casual” but if you aren’t feeling part of each other’s lives after 7 months then I think I would be feeling the same as you. And you should probably take him at his word when he says he’s enjoying what your doing and wants it to continue when you questioned him. He enjoys your time together...He doesn’t want it to end....But at the minute that’s all he’s offering. He might just be taking his time but that seems odd if a previous year long relationship of his ended because she didn’t want anything serious. Essentially he was feeling as you are now. Everyone is different though and will have their own views but just to let you know, from what you have said, I would probably be feeling the same uncertainty as you are.

@Haribo21 thanks. It’s so shit as I like him
very much and I agree it’s confusing as he apparently didn’t continue with last relationship as she didn’t want a relationship.

I don’t know what to do really or whether to just be straight with him and say this is what I want. But what I want is for us to live together to see if we work like that. I can’t see him wanting to do that on the back of weekend meet ups. It’s shit.

@pancakeshut I think you should tell him what you want. I know it’s hard sometimes, but then at least you will know. It sounds like you already expect him to say he’s not at that stage yet but you never know. It’s hard when you meet someone you really like but if your 37 and want to settle down and maybe have kids you deserve to know. When are you next due to see him?