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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Work friend

22 replies

guest2013 · 13/04/2021 19:23

My husband has a friend at work. 5 years younger, very slim(compared to me) pretty. She is married with children, as are we. They have got close since starting a new job at the same time. They spend lunchtime together and are, in his words, best mates in work. She invited us over to her house at the weekend and we went with children.. she was nice, if a bit different to us (more outgoing and quite loud). There was no indication of anything going on and her husband seemed comfortable with the friendship. But I can't shake the feeling that something is not right. They spent lunchtime together yesterday and it made me unreasonably angry and upset. But I have no reason to be. What would you do and what would you think?

OP posts:

AramintaLee · 13/04/2021 19:36

Just re-read what you wrote...

no indication of anything going on
invited you over her house
her husband is fine with the friendship
you acknowledge you have no reason to be angry and upset

It sounds like a harmless, platonic friendship. I have lunch with male work colleagues and I have absolutely no interest in them and vice versa. It is possible for men and women to be friends and nothing more.

Cloudfrost · 13/04/2021 19:40

You are just being insecure because she is young and pretty...

Hadtonamechangeforthis21 · 13/04/2021 19:48

I think you are insecure about her being in your words- your, slim and pretty. If she was looking to spend time with just your DH she wouldn’t be asking the whole family over.

You should be happy your husband has a close friend at work as it really does make all the difference having someone to banter and have lunch with.

Sally2791 · 13/04/2021 21:22

Hopefully all ok, but keep an eye on it. They tend not to buddy up with fat old men with halitosis, however lovely they may be.

Womencanlift · 13/04/2021 22:27

I have a male friend exactly like this. We started together, came from the same part of the country (both had moved away), had lunch every day, sometimes went for after work drinks.

Absolutely nothing in it apart from a friendship, if anything he was like a little brother. We have both moved on to new companies now but still text every so often. Even bought him and his girlfriend house warming and engagement gifts, because he is a friend

PersonaNonGarter · 13/04/2021 22:31

Are you my friends wife who came round last week? (Sadly not as I am old and fat).

Who wins if you get anxious about this? No one. What kind of friends do you want your DH to have? Male only? Be really honest with yourself.

PersonaNonGarter · 13/04/2021 22:32

@Sally2791

Hopefully all ok, but keep an eye on it. They tend not to buddy up with fat old men with halitosis, however lovely they may be.

Who is ‘they’? Is this ‘women who work’ as a homogenous group?

IWantYoutoKnow · 14/04/2021 08:02

@Sally2791

Hopefully all ok, but keep an eye on it. They tend not to buddy up with fat old men with halitosis, however lovely they may be.

What a ridiculous thing to say. Stop adding fuel to the fire.

Lifeaintalwaysempty · 14/04/2021 08:08

Bit sad for young women in the workplace if we’re saying they can’t be friends with married men without it being a thing. I get why you’re feeling nervous but there are zero signs it’s anything suspicious, particularly meeting each other’s families. My husband has a good female friend at work, I’m glad he has someone to offload to about work.

ZenNudist · 14/04/2021 08:16

But pp is right that your dh is probably good looking right? It seems odd to me to form exclusive friendships at work. I have a group of work friends. We go out to buy our lunch together either in groups or pairs. I don't go out with the same person every day. But then I rarely form work friendships that would lead to a weekend date with our families.

Are there very few people at his office? I think I'd be talking to my DH about my insecurities and asking him to cool it with the new woman.

bonfireheart · 14/04/2021 08:40

In my last job, everyone on my team was dull and ate lunch at their desks. There was a man years older than me and we got on well and wanted to actually walk outside at lunchtime so we did together everyday. It is possible to have a boring platonic work friendship. If it wasn't for him I don't how I would have got through work with all the other dull people! I suppose I could have just been a loner.

vauxhalldiva · 14/04/2021 10:08

Just stay tuned in.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/04/2021 11:57

@Sally2791

Hopefully all ok, but keep an eye on it. They tend not to buddy up with fat old men with halitosis, however lovely they may be.

'They'?

JM10 · 14/04/2021 12:03

They are being very open about it by the sound of things, inviting you over doesn't seem like there's anything more than friendship. I tend to get work with the same person every day when in the office, I don't think that's odd.

PersonaNonGarter · 14/04/2021 12:16

As someone who hopes to have male and female friends my heart always sinks on these type of threads.

bonfireheart · 14/04/2021 13:09

@PersonaNonGarter I always feel like I live in a different world. In MN world no man and woman can ever be friends and must never be allowed to talk to each other.

Womencanlift · 14/04/2021 13:15

bonfireheart · 14/04/2021 13:27

I wouldn't have got through the last year of working from home if it wasn't for my work friends (male and female).

Swordfish1 · 14/04/2021 13:32

I would felt he same OP, if my dh was having lunch with the same person from the office every day, who also happened to be very attractive and the opposite sex.

Irrational I know, but I'd still feel a bit weird about it.

crosshatching · 14/04/2021 13:42

I don't know there's often cases where partners have met affair partners at work. The thing is though she's extended the hand of friendship from her family to all of his family. She clearly isn't trying to create an exclusive friendship between the two of them. Why not go with it and get to know her? You might make a new friend too?

bunglebee · 14/04/2021 13:53

[quote bonfireheart]@PersonaNonGarter I always feel like I live in a different world. In MN world no man and woman can ever be friends and must never be allowed to talk to each other.[/quote]
Me too. I have quite a few good straight male friends, most of whom I met at work. (I even see them for lunches and drinks ALONE.) I've yet to fuck any of them, or come close to fucking them, or even been remotely tempted to fuck them, because you know I'm happily married and they're my friends.

Nor have I ever fucked a female friend I made at work, despite the fact I'm bisexual. And yes, my friends tend to be more or less my age or life stage, shockingly enough, which by this definition seems to make them "good looking". I guess I should be choosing the ugliest friends possible if I'm to be above suspicion.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 14/04/2021 14:37

I started on the same day as a guy at work - he was engaged, I was single. We lunched together quite a few days and caught up outside of work as well. And we talked about non work things!
Never occurred to me (and him -100%) that this was not normal. Some people commented on it I just never understood why. Almost 20 years later were him and his wife are great friends of mine and my husbands. And we’re guardians to each other’s children.
I think the assumption that spending time with someone of the opposite sex is a no no.
It’s unlikely they’re up to anything or even want to if you’re being invited over to their house. Do you usually not trust him?

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