Advice about introducing new partner to DC

[Roughandready]

Im looking for some advice re: the dos and don’ts about introducing a new partner to children.

I have a new partner , we are only 3 months in but so far things are going incredibly well.
Although we’ve only been going out three months, I did know him years ago and he had also been doing work in my house for several months before we started going out.

My kids are 8 & 3 and because DP was working in the house my kids have met him in this role.
At what stage would be sensible to introduce him as a partner? We’re happy to take it slowly at the kids pace to try and help them adjust as best as possible.
Thanks

As a partner? Wait a lot longer! Personally I would wait about a year before potentially introducing a new partner.

Give it a year and you have been through some disagreements to see how he handles conflict. Then if you are building a solid foundation together then perhaps start to introduce them.

I would say 6 months MINIMUM if seriously dating, although a year is probably better.
Far too soon at 3 months.

A year is always suggested here but I just don't think it's practical.

You and your kids come as a package deal and I think it's better all round if everyone meets earlier on. It doesn't even have to be a grand reveal you could just 'bump into' each other a park/woods/beach and take it from there.

They also don't need to be massively involved. I think people overly worry about how the children will take it if you broke up but they don't need to see you in a full blown relationship he can just be a friend and friends come and go at all times of your life.

Mine met my dp a bit less than 3 months in to the relationship and they see him maybe once a fortnight if he pops in for a coffee after work or we have dinner at his house sometimes. It's now another 7 months on and while I think they'd be sad for me if we broke up I don't think they'd lose any sleep over it better that everyone gets to know each other slowly over time.

Thanks all. I’m not actually thinking of introducing him right now , I’m just thinking ahead. Bearing in mind he has already met the children several times (from working in the house ) so they are aware of who is he and have a good first impression of him (as much as children can!).
@longhaulstress I appreciate that perspective.
I like to post on MN as it does open up my mind to taking in different perspectives.
I personally feel that a year seems a long time to invest in a relationship without seeing how it goes with the kids.
I’d be interested to hear why a year is better to say, 6months.
@litterbird I agreed with having to work through conflict. We have talked about that and the fact that we probably need to have an argument at some point to see how we work through it , but there’s just been nothing to argue about yet! I’m generally not an argumentative person though, but I’m sure our time will come.
I know kids adapt well, but I’m also aware my kids have been through a massive amount of change so I just want to do the best I can.

When I met now ex partner, he and his dc met mine when we 'bumped' into each other on a walk after about 4 months I think it was. Then my daughter overhead me referring to a boyfriend on a phone call so I told her I had one (she's 6) and told ds too (9). Then we hung out with him and his kids a few times and the dc knew us as friends. Then after we'd been together about 7 months I told my dc who it was (ds's exact response was, oh it's (name), I know him that's fine!) so I do think meeting as mummy's friend was a good gradual way.

But. The relationship actually recently ended and I'm glad we hadn't gotten any further entwined. Next time (if there is one) I'd still mention a boyfriend and engineer a relaxed meeting as a friend by 6 months or so, but be sure about my feelings before anything else. I do think it's important to see how the dynamic might look before committing lots of time though. After all, we come as a package.

@Misty9 thank you for sharing this. It’s really helpful and I can imagine a more gradual introduction working, similar to the previous poster above.
Sorry things didn’t work out for your relationship.

Thanks, it was my decision but it was a good one. On reflection, I think it was actually about 8wks when the bumping into him and his dc happened (mnetters would be horrified!) and I was amazed that when I did tell the dc who my boyfriend was, they genuinely couldn't guess! Shows how self focused kids are I think!

Interesting thread! Have been seeing my current fella for about 9 months, and due to Covid it’s moved quite quickly and he has been more or less living with me when DD isn’t here (she has been with her dad the majority of the time during lockdown as he doesn’t work, so can do all the home-schooling etc etc - I’ve mainly had her weekends, so my fella has just moved out for those bits - or at other points I went to stay at DD’s dad’s house to spend time with her while my fella stayed here).

But things are going back to normal now, and it doesn’t feel very sustainable for her not to have met him. She quite understandably wants to meet him now, too (she has known about him from the start - she was one of the people who encouraged me to do dating and meet someone, in fact!) Trouble is, I am TERRIFIED. What if they don’t like each other? Then I am royally fucked, as I will have no choice but to leave him..... I consider myself to be in love with this man, and yet he has not yet met the one person I love more than I love my own soul.....

I just keep putting it off, basically. Out of a sense of sheer dread.

I have no reason to suspect they won’t like each other - they are pretty similar people to be honest - but you never can tell, can you.....

It probably doesn’t help that I DID (to my shame) introduce her very early doors to the one previous partner I have had since splitting with her dad. He really pushed for it, but it was my bad for going with it - he met her within a month or so. Got very involved in both of our lives - we lived with him for about a year in fact. Then the bastard threw us both out with no warning..... That fucked with her head, quite obviously, tho she was never as taken in by him as I was.....

How can I risk anything like that happening to her again? ARGH, it’s a bloody minefield. If you find the answers, OP, please feel free to share......

@Lovelydiscusfish I hope you work it out too. Luckily my partner isn’t putting any pressure on and I happy to follow my lead.

I’m going to have a think about him being introduced as a friend at one point down the line and see how it goes.

When they're no longer a 'new' partner. 12 weeks is nothing

I introduced mine at 5 months. But told my kids very clearly that I would usually only see him when they're not with me. I didn't want them to worry that they had to live with a stranger.

I also didn't want to feel like I needed to continue a relationship just because we had met each other's kids.

Does he have kids?

@Sakurami
No he doesn’t have any children himself.

I wondered about telling them first and just taking it a small step at a time.

@Bythevennel in some ways he doesn’t feel like a new partner as we are so comfortable together and we knew each other before we started going out. When the kids are at their dads, he spends all that time with me. I find it hard to judge though as my married was over 20years so it’s all new territory for me.

@Bythevennel

When they're no longer a 'new' partner. 12 weeks is nothing

This, but it seems now that everyone a person dates for more than 5 minutes is now a partner.

@Bythevennel
I’d appreciate if you could give me more detail on your thoughts.
I appreciate all perspectives, hence the reason for posting.
Surely viewing someone as a ‘partner’ is subjective. When I’m spending 2 nights / days and extra evenings a week with my bf , then I view that more than dating. I view it as being in a relationship. I know others would differ in this but everyone’s pace in relationships are different.
Same with introducing the children , there’s no hard and fast rules, and surely planning in advance is a good thing.

Mumsnet always says a year but I don’t know anyone in real life who did this; it’s not practical and you’re really living real life with them if only seeing them without your DC and it’s pretty important to see how someone is around your DC. I met my DSD after about 6 months when it felt serious between me and now DH. It was as a friend first and then progressed to saying I was a girlfriend after a couple of months.

I've never been in this situation myself, but I have a stepdad which I met pretty much as soon as my mum and dad split up. I've never resented my SD and am really close to him; more so than my 'real' dad tbh. I remember the day I met him, it wasn't a big deal at all - in fact, I called him dad pretty much from day one (my DM would've been crucified on 80s Mumsnet 😂)

However my brother had a very strained relationship with my SD which continued into adulthood. So I would say it pretty much depends on the kids - I think I was about 4 and my brother 6.

arbitrary rules are meaningless, go with whatever you and your kids feel comfortable with.

@user1493413286
@lemmein
Thanks for the posts , it’s good to hear that not everything is straightforward as it is sometimes made to seem on MN.

I’ve never been in a new adult relationship but I’m not the type of person to be impulsive or to put my own desires before my children. To me , 6 months seems a reasonable timeframe to know your true feelings about someone and to integrate them into your life in other ways , and see how that is progressing. I’ve not kept my partner in a bubble , I’ve introduced him to some friends and family and equally I’ve done the same with his family/ friends. This is going well so I had started thinking ahead about the kids.

I like posting on MN has it helps process my thoughts and work out of hats for the best.